Dogs of the Military
by BleedingCoffee
Summary: Chimera have been an increasing problem and Mustang is looking for the source while he juggles a pervert ex-girlfriend, his newfound stardom in doujinshi, the Elrics and his annoyingly helpful BFF. Little does he know the danger he is putting those he cares for in as someone from his past wants him to suffer, someone who thinks "Dogs of the Military' has a twisted application
1. Invitation Only

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.

AN: This story came about as part of a request. (Here you go ~animeadmirer) I had been asked to see what I could do with the idea of a political marriage and I created this OC and family as part of that. However _that_ is an entirely different story. This story evolved as I wanted to have a little fun with the people I created and explore some ideas based on an entirely different character history. I can't have a cross country porn war with an existing character, hence the need for an OC. I'm a fan of RoyAi, and I will get there eventually.

Since the people in FMA are named after military vehicles, I chose to name my OC and staff after US military saddles. The Whitman family is an old blood foundation family, quite like most countries have in the upper echelon of it's government at some point. They're driven to maintain prestige and power, while not always being the ones at the head of the government.

Warning: OC, AU, language, sexual situations, lemon...aka using that M rating for all it's worth and FFN will allow me to. RoyXOC (for now...) RoyxRiza later

* * *

_Dogs of the Military_

Chapter 1

**Invitation Only**

* * *

_Eastern HQ_

"Maes, what exactly is it I'm looking at?" Roy raised his eyes from the blueprints of Central command and at his be-speckled friend who hovered over his desk holding the prints. When Hughes called asking him to schedule in some time for an appointment, he expected the man to be burying him in pictures of his daughter not musty blueprints from almost a century ago.

"These are prints from almost seventy five years ago when the original building was built over the old city hall. This print, is the lowest level where they used to house records." Hughes lifted his right hand and let the print roll up to reveal another set. "These are the prints from thirty years ago when they added to those access tunnels. There was at one point an initiative to have an underground rail system that stemmed from Central to outlying portions of the city. That way troops could be moved underground via railway to vital areas in case of attack."

"Right." Roy scanned the print and tapped his finger on a stairway that was access to the subway system. "So what happened to this entrance?"

"Walled up." Maes shrugged. "Apparently Lt. General Thaddeus Whitman proclaimed it a weakness not an asset. That it made Central vulnerable to attack because any one of the access points could be infiltrated and attackers could use the tunnels to get into the heart of Central command."

"Whitman huh?" Roy wasn't surprised. The Whitman family was deeply entrenched in Amestris aristocracy since the formation of the country. Thaddeus Whitman was a major figure in the history books; he wrote the tactics manuals they still used today, his monument was the largest in Central Cemetery and his palatial estate on the Western edge of Central was a reminder of the power and prestige of the Whitman name. What the history books didn't record was his hobby of slave trading, using his ancestral home as a brothel or the numerous people who died questionable deaths for crossing him. However it wasn't exactly the image the name conjured up in his own mind. The Whitman he was familiar with was the old general's granddaughter who was at one point the girl he thought he would grow old with. That however was history, just like story these blueprints were telling.

"Hardly anything to speculate on, at that time he was the most influential General in Central. Hard to find something from that time period that didn't have his signature on it." Hughes responded and watched his best friend stare at the map too long thinking about his ex-girlfriend.

"Maybe." Roy pulled over another map. "So you're thinking these tunnels all exited at the laboratories around the city?"

"At that point in time, they were arsenals and barracks. Before the current regime, laboratories weren't nearly as popular as they seem to have become these days."

"So there is an entire subterranean rail system that runs between all these key points. Now labs for government experiments." Roy scratched his head. "I need to get in there."

"I doubt they're going to just let you stroll in and start tearing down the walls, Roy. How would you even explain being in Central?"

Roy looked over at the newspaper and smirked. "Furhur's having a black tie affair event there next weekend to thank the families of Amestris for their support. I bet I know a girl who has an invitation to that she's not planning on using."

"Haley?" Maes asked. Well that didn't take long for him to connect the dots back to her. Mention the name Whitman and was already salivating. "When was the last time you even talked to her? I hope it wasn't my wedding."

Roy shrugged and picked up the phone. "I think it was last year, that mandatory training in Central...sexual harassment seminar. We don't really _talk_ that much when we see each other these days Maes."

Hughes cocked an eyebrow at that statement and that grin. "Maybe you should really consider settling down sometime before you retire. What the hell happened to you two? I thought for sure you'd end up together...especially after you tried to ruin my wedding."

"She likes her simple life in the frontier fort away from her family. Not exactly compatible for what I have planned for myself." Roy flipped through his phone numbers to find the extension for that fort in the middle of nowhere where Lt. Colonel Haley Whitman was hiding from the influence and manipulations of her powerful family. He dialed the number and sat back in his chair. "Convenient you mentioned Grandpa Whitman and reminded me that's it's been a while since I touched base with our old classmate. "

"Convenient you keep ignoring mention of my wedding and how you both nearly destroyed my happiness." Maes said and watched those dark eyes cross and his tongue stick out in a rare display of childish behavior from his brooding best friend.

"_Sergeant McClellan speaking."_

Roy rolled his eyes. Damn he hated talking to that geriatric pervert who was in every respect Whitman's version of Hawkeye. Except old, vulgar and lacking in proper military anything. He followed Haley around like a dog...a mangy, plump dog who should have been put down for bad behavior years ago. Sadly, the bastard was her best friend and confident which granted him immunity from almost everything. Recalling how much he disliked the man he added some venom to his statement. "Sergeant, this is Colonel Roy Mustang. I'd like to speak to Colonel Whitman please."

There was a pause and a distinctive grunt. "_Why_?"

Roy ground his teeth. "Sorry Sergeant, want to rephrase your question?"

"_What sir, may I tell her your excellency is call in regards to_?"

"Tell her I'm calling!" Roy snapped.

"_Sorry, connection is bad. Didn't hear what I should tell her you're calling about Colonel Mustang._"

Roy wondered if he could set the phone lines on fire and have the bakelite receiver McClellan had next to his head explode or melt. Then he thought he heard a feminine voice and a brief exchange. "Put her on the damned phone!"

"_That didn't take long. Your tolerance levels are getting lower Roy_."

"Haley, I'm setting that bastard on fire next time I see him. I hate him. " Roy heard her chuckle. She was all too amused by her Sergeant's borderline insubordination. Roy knew that man had more influence on her during the war than anyone and had taken the fine polish off the professional young officer he graduated with.

"_Well come out and see me anytime, we hardly ever see visitors out here. So what do you want_?"

"Maybe I just miss talking to you."

"_What do you want Mustang_?" The tone was flat and he knew she wouldn't buy any line he fed her.

"Want to go to the Furhur's Galla next weekend with me?" He tried to go back to his cheery and charming tone but he could almost picture her on the other end of the line rolling her eyes. The silence told him she wasn't going to let that slide.

"_So, you want to take me out on a date...to an event you don't have an invite to? Go ahead and correct me if I'm wrong here._"

"No...but I'm sure you have an invitation. Being a Whitman and all."

"_Yeah, and being me you know there is no way in hell I'm going to use it. What the hell is wrong with you?"_

"Look Haley, I need a favor. Can you help me out?"

"_So, let me get this straight. You want to take to a formal event that is located a day away from both of us? Roy, seriously if you're that desperate than we can just go for phone sex or maybe I can send you some of McClellan's used porn_."

"Haley, can you please stop being so vulgar...on the phone?" She knew damned well there were always ears listening in to conversations, she just never cared. Her weapon was honesty and she used it effectively enough to scare people into keeping their distance.

"_No, tell me what I get out of the deal other than having to drag myself into the city, deal with my family, wear a damned dress and then deal with all those pretentious assholes I stay out in the middle of nowhere to avoid? Oh, not to mention the hell I have to deal with when I show up on your arm and rumors start to fly. Really Roy, the sex is good but not that good._"

He rolled his eyes and caught Maes's grin as he overheard her all too easily in the silence of his closed office. He glared at his friend and decided to dig in and fight. "It's better than you remember and I need to go to this Haley, I'll owe you."

"_Owe me what? I don't want anything other than to be forgotten out here in my happy little fort overlooking Creta. I go with you to that and I'm putting myself back in danger of being pulled into that life again. Nope._"

"Haley, please."

"_I'm sorry, what was that?_"

He sighed and closed his eyes. "Please, this is really important to me and I need your help. So don't make me beg."

"_What the hell are you getting yourself into now?_"

"So, can I meet you at the bar...next Sat around 5?" He asked hesitantly knowing he was asking a lot of her.

"_Fine_."

"You'll wear a dress right? Not a dress uniform?"

"_It's a black tie affair, moron, I don't want to stand out any more than I have to. Of course that's never easy for anyone standing next to you._"

"Thank you Haley, I owe you."

"_Yes, Roy, you do_."

He heard the click and smiled. Didn't really matter who was eavesdropping, he didn't care if they were prepared for him. " Can you make copies of the plans, just 25% of this size?"

"Sure." Maes rolled up the plans. "What exactly are you going to look for and how are you going to explain leaving the party?"

"I need to see those tunnels and make sure they are not in current use. All these rumors of these shape shifting animals, I have to find these labs. If there are old tunnels down there there have to be air vents. If we can just locate one I can get back in there after we leave the party." He smirked. "I have Haley's legendary Whitman libido to explain our absence."

"Maybe she knows why her grandpa sealed up that entrance?"

"Can't ask on the phone...but I doubt it. She couldn't stand him, I don't know why she's sit around the fireplace and listen to stories of his remodeling of the capital building. Grandpa Whitman helped build the railroads in this country, maybe she knows about some other access points. Can you get me railroad maps? This subway had to tie in with the main lines somewhere."

"Sure, I'll pull them from the records department for you. " Maes pushed his glasses back up to the bridge of his nose and quietly said. "You better be careful Roy. It's one thing to investigate it's another to do it right under the Furhur's nose."

"Haley's parents will be there." He chuckled. "That will keep everyone occupied."

Maes took out his picture of Gracia and Elicia. "Just think Roy, you could come home to a happy family just like I do!"

"Is this another invitation to stay at your house?"

"No, it's a suggestion to make something of the date with the girl you let get away."

"We both walked away." He stood and rolled up the maps. "I doubt she's interested in more than using me for my body and I'm OK with that. It's what our relationship is now."

Maes smiled. "You should stay with me! That way you can see what you're missing out on!"

"Think I'll stay with my Mom." He handed the maps to his friend. "The walls in your house are way too thin."

"Then Hawkeye can stay with us. Since I know she won't let you go to Central alone."

"Whatever makes you happy." He looked at the hazel eyes staring down at him and knew there was something else he was dying to add. "What?"

"What happened at that sexual harassment seminar you two went to?" Maes asked, the excited tone now gone and his more serious side coming through.. "I heard it was canceled this year."

Roy smiled. "You're intelligence, you should be able to find out without asking me."

"Roy, what did you do?"

"Haley got a bit excited about role play. I think she might have thrown General Kline's heart off rhythm with her award winning performance."

"Hmmm." Maes sat down. "Why didn't anyone file a complaint then?"

"I'm pretty sure they were all really jealous." Roy smirked. "I think Whitman means "sexual predator" in old Amestrian."

* * *

_Central Command, one year earlier..._

Roy doodled on the hand out material and tried to avoid falling asleep. One of the many joys of being an officer was having to endure these mandatory conferences, seminars and training courses that human resources concocted. He was told that these were supposed to improve and cultivate learning in personnel however about all it seemed to achieve was making him want to quit his job. How the military could justify letting the people in this room responsible for countless lives, national security and state of the art weaponry while at the same time doubting they could comprehend what sexual harassment meant was mind-boggling. He didn't even hear his name until the Major beside him kicked him. "Hello, what?"

"Colonel Mustang." General Kline growled. "This is serious. Sexual harassment is very serious."

"I_ am_ serious about it." He mumbled and heard a chuckle behind him. The only salvation to these required classes was that Haley would always pull strings to get herself into the same class as him. Once, maybe twice, a year they'd cross paths in Central and have a little fun to offset the torture of these damned classes.

"What was that?" Kline snapped.

"I agreed with you sir."

"Then you just volunteered to be part of our role play." Kline waved a course guidebook at him. HR told him he had to complete everything in the damned book or be stuck doing the next class. Apparently the Furhur thought this was suitable punishment for him telling his secretary that women only had one purpose in the army and that was filing paperwork and their nails. He longed for the good old days when they didn't have to pussy foot around everyone's feelings and only men played war.

"Well then you succeeded in making me feel dirty." Roy frowned and heard a chuckle from the back row an indication that Haley was still paying attention to the seminar. Thankfully she seated herself in the back where they wouldn't get in trouble for mocking the course material. General Kline wasn't really fond of either of them.

"God dammit Colonel, get your ass down here and take this shit seriously. Bad enough we have to have this seminar at all but it's worse you're having fun at my expense. So get down here and act out this fucking scenario so we can get through this material sometime today!"

"Yes sir." Roy sighed and stood to go to the front of the conference room.

"You of all people need to take this shit seriously with your reputation. Try not to be such a public whore." Kline hissed and snapped the role play script down on the desk and walked over to take a seat in the front row to get off his tired feet.

Roy sighed again. Nothing like forcing an old gruff General to teach the course they all now had to have annually thanks to some lawsuits. Of course Kline was notorious for feeling women had no place in the military and told every one of them that. It might be required, but clearly nobody was that serious about it if they put him in charge.

"Alright who wants to help?" Kline looked over his shoulder at the select group of Majors, Lt Colonels and Colonels from all over Amestris.

"Me! Me!" Haley jumped out of her seat and waved her hands in the air. Being the only woman in the room she seemed like the only choice but Kline was the kind of man who felt woman couldn't do anything right and would have forced one of the other men to act like a lady if he felt in the mood. "I'll do it with him!"

Roy shook his head as Kline's grumbled. The rest of the officers seemed to be too scared of the General to crack a smile or seem the least bit amused by her.

"Phrasing Whitman." Kline hollered. "Goddammit! Take it seriously!"

"I do! It's a family tradition!" Haley darted towards the front of the room and winked at Roy. She whispered "Take a seat, let me harass you."

He smirked at her and whispered back. "Now now, we have too much time before lunch and I won't be able to do anything to you for another hour."

"Challenge accepted." She smiled. "Let's get lunch moved up in the schedule."

Kline barked. "Just get on with it would you? Show everyone some harassment so they can understand the definition and we move on to the next topic of active listening and how to pretend you give a damn about people's feelings. I need to check this off the damned list so HR gets off my ass. Apparently our pencil pushers who write this shit think you all are village idiots. Horny village idiots."

Roy sat down at the desk and picked up a pencil to pretend to do paperwork per the instructions on the script sitting on the desk. He kept his eyes down, knowing if he even looked at her she'd make him laugh and they'd never get out of this damned room. Unfortunately the lull in conversation allowed her to take control and improvise.

Haley unbuttoned her tunic and took it off. She threw it at Roy and he looked up at her. "Hang that up for me, would you sexy?"

He frowned and threw it on the chair beside him. Then he casually crumbled up the paper and thew it in the wastebasket. So much for telling them what to do. "Colonel, I have work to do."

"You could be doing me." Haley leaned over the desk and wished she had breasts she could shove in his face.

"Please, Lt. Colonel Whitman, lets try to keep this a professional work environment. I find this paperwork fulfilling and your sexual suggestions are unwelcome and distracting." He managed to keep a straight face as she unbutton a few more buttons on her shirt and laughed. He was going to have to remember this word for word so he could tell his staff when he got home. It was his duty to relay the information learned here to them afterall.

"Roy, need I remind you that you work _under_ me?" Haley took her arm and swept all the items on the desk off onto the ground and jumped on the desk. "You think the military employs pretty little alchemists because of your strength and capabilities as soldiers? HA!"

He smirked and cleared his throat as she yanked him by his collar and pulled him towards her. "Colonel...this is inappropriate and I feel uncomfortable with your advances. Help! Help! I need an adult!"

"You're going to feel real comfortable when you drop your pants, get on his desk and..."

"Whitman that's enough!" Kline swallowed hard and felt his arrhythmia kick in. "I think...you got the point across."

Roy raised his eyebrows seeing the man's distress. "Uh, sir, are you OK?"

"Fine!" Kline snapped. "Just a little indigestion."

Haley released Roy's collar and sat up on the desk. "But sir, you said, and I quote, 'act out this fucking scenario'. Might have been a while for you, but I'm not even close to the fucking part yet..."

"Whitman, put your clothes back on and clean up that damned desk." Kline hissed. "It's time for lunch for the rest of us who haven't mocked this mandated seminar. Your damned family is half the reason we have to have these ridiculous classes anyhow. I'm sure your Father will be proud of you."

Roy watched him storm out and saw the looks on the other officers faces and gave them all a shrug. There were smiles, confused faces and a few encouraging nods. They quickly filed out of the room excited about an early lunch and release from the seminar for an hour. "Well let's clean up this desk so we can see about that nooner."

"Why not use this desk? I just cleared it off?"

He thought about it and closed his eyes. "Damn...we can't do that."

"Yeah, we can." She laid back down on the desk and smiled. "Lock the door."

"Haley..." He looked at her and she winked at him. "No."

"Why? We're cleaning up my mess. You have an awesome reputation that will explain it and I bet this desk has probably already been christened by a member of my family already. Come on Roy, you know you want to." She began to toy with the button on her shirt and blew him a kiss.

"Alright, I'll get the door." He listened to her clap her hands and went over to lock the door. He couldn't pass up the novelty of having sex at a sexual harassment seminar. Everyone was already on their way to lunch and nobody wanted to linger in the conference room for this mind numbing human resources crap. He locked the door and turned to look at her as she sat up on the desk and swung her legs off the side playfully. He began unbuttoning his uniform and couldn't help but smile. "If we get caught, I'm swearing that you raped me."

"I'll role play it for them at our court martial." She chuckled.

"I think you gave Kline a heart attack."

"Not surprised he lacks stamina or imagination." She leaned forward and kissed him. "You however..."

* * *

Sergeant Dan McClellan eyed his commander as she seemed more thoughtful than enthusiastic at the prospect of getting laid. He knew her too well to not read her like an open book. "What's wrong kid?"

"Just thinking about the sexual harassment seminar last year. " Haley looked up at the older man and saw the rest her staff give her mixed looks. "However right now I'm wondering what the hell he's trying to start."

Lt. Matthew Grimsley wondered the same thing. He knew his commander was talking about some political move and not the somewhat unhealthy relationship she and Mustang had, but it didn't really matter. He ran his hand through his graying hair and knew he was not the person to give relationship advice since he had already been divorced three times and clearly sucked at relationships. "Sounds like a formal event. Exactly how is it you're going to snuff the fraternization rumors at something like that?"

Haley wondered if Roy had to deal with his staff eavesdropping on every phone call he had. Then again he probably had a nice big office in beautiful East City and not the cramped room inside an old fort on the Western border of Amestris. Poor guy. "Same way I always do, make the situation awkward by pointing out all the men get their little sexual trysts and I'm entitled to have some fun as well."

"Yes." McClellan said dryly. "Leave them embarrassed and aroused at the same time. Nothing quite like it to make the male brain stop working."

"More of an underhanded implication of blackmail." Grimsley sighed. "Well, when is this date?"

"Next weekend," She said and looked in her phone book for a number for the seamstress in Central. "Guess I need to see about a dress."

"Too bad such short notice since you chose to go off birth control. Told you not to do that. You're a whore." McClellan watched the younger officers fidget, still uncomfortable with the personal information that was all too often shared in this office. They were still new and hadn't been through Ishval with them. They didn't understand how the three of them could be family yet.

"It was a dry spell anyhow after that Sheriff in Pendleton ended up dying in bed with a fourteen year old. Your definition of whore is a little skewed, I'm pretty much down to one stud in the stable right now and he's located on the opposite side of the country." Haley found the dressmaker's number and looked up at him. "What are my measurements?"

"I'll call, you have work to do." McClellan offered and smiled at her. He was glad that being a pervert came in handy as his boss never really seemed too interested in her feminine side. He however, was all about dressing her up. "My superhero power is eyeballing a girls measurements to perfection."

"Just don't use the words 'slutty' or 'easy access'." She stood and looked at her two younger, quieter Lieutenants in the corner pretending not to listen. "And please don't take all damned day telling those two my entire life story. We do still need to get work done around here."

"Can do, boss." McClellan shoved her out of the way and sat down in her chair. "What's this party you're going to with Pyro?"

"Don't really know, I threw out the invites without looking at them. It's probably the only formal party at Central this weekend, so that will be all you need to tell the seamstress. And can we please remember I don't have your amble breasts so all those low neckline numbers aren't going to work."

Dan nodded. "Got it under control. They make bras for that. Now go. Lieutenants Hope and Jenifer are dying to hear the story of how you and El Fuego spent your nights in Ishval."

"Yes, because they so need to hear the tender side of our time slaughtering the masses. Who wouldn't want to work for me when you hear I can decapitate Ishvalian squad leaders in the afternoon and be ready to snuggle up with my comrades at night? Just don't make me sound like a schizophrenic."

"For the record, Colonel," Grimsley said as she scratched out numbers on his paperwork. "I always liked Mustang. I wouldn't be upset in the least if you decided to leave us all for him."

"Thanks Matt." she rolled her eyes. "Not going to happen."

"Get out of here Haley, let me tell the youngins what they missed out on during the war."

Haley turned to her two young Lieutenants and smiled when Phil Jenifer handed her a fresh cup of coffee. "You keep notes and report to me what he tells you, got it?"

John Hope, the youngest of the staff, smiled at her. "Colonel, we're always happy to help your legend grow."

She snorted. "Legend."

McClellan smirked and put his feet up on her desk as she closed the door to go about her business. "Gather round youngins, it's time to learn more about your favorite commander and use it to create undying loyalty to her amoungst the masses."

"Shame you're an insubordinate old pervert with no ambition," Grimsely said. "You'd probably be head of public relation in Central by now."

"Well I'll call it a victory if she's in charge of the next war. Now you two missed out on Ishval, but that wasn't my first war. In fact I've served under three Whitmans: Haley, her father and her grandpa. Her grandpa was a real piece of shit. Apparently even worse on the home front that he was on the actual front. That man threw away soldiers like we were a renewable resource. Didn't care about casualties, didn't care about anything. The army marched on because they feared the fucker would drive by and shoot anyone who was dragging their boots. Her Daddy did the same thing to us in Ishval, but to ensure he got his son a promotion to General by war's end. That war dragged on longer than it should have because he couldn't get his boy promoted. "

"You've told us this before Sergeant." Hope reminded him.

"Shut it kid. It's worth repeating because you need to understand that the Whitmans are just horrible old blood rich people who don't give a damn about our country, just that it's their country to toy with. Except Haley, who someone came out of their compound with her decency intact. And her little brother Zane was a good kid too."

Hope piped up again. "Decency? I recall the war records I read saying Colonel Whitman's death toll was really high. A lot of personal kills. Especially after her brother was killed."

"Decency in regards to her men. Us. She has absolutely no regard for the enemy." McClellan said and shook his head. "Don't mention her little brother, ever. She'll never forgive herself for that. Zane shouldn't have been there."

"Yes sir." Hope said. "You've told us that before too."

Jenifer leaned on the desk and frowned. "You're getting old Sergeant. All this is what you've told us already. We're more curious about this date with the Flame Alchemist."

Grimsley put his pencil down and swiveled his chair to face the two. "They've been seeing each other since the academy. I'm pretty sure there were several points in time when there thought about getting married but two people that young who make such a high rank before they turn 30 aren't going to set aside their careers for a personal life. They're both driven and proud. When we were in Ishval we heard that Mustang had been shot and the next thing I know we're redirecting our march to his last known location under some bullshit excuse of 'providing support'. He was fine, but if he hadn't been Haley would have killed every last person in that town before Kimblee could have leveled it."

"About Kimblee..." Jenifer said

"We just had to babysit that lunatic that's it." McClellan snapped. "You hear anything else, you kill that rumor right there. I won't have anyone tie her to that psycho no matter what. "

Grimsley sighed. "Anyhow, whatever may or may not have developed during the war was over when it ended. People change, especially when they go to war and find out exactly what you're capable of doing to your fellow human beings. You two should pray you never have to see a war."

Jenifer cocked his head. "If I were in charge I'd make sure they were stationed together. I mean, with Colonel Whitman being such an effective army commander and the Flame alchemist being so destructive...I would imagine that would be the perfect combination for an army."

"There is your answer as to why we're out here picking fights with Cretians on the South Western most point of Amestris. They do scare people. Mustang has this incredible skill at his literal fingertips and she can wield her command like it's her left arm while crushing a man's throat with her right. Apart, they make people nervous, together they're not going to be easy to stop. " Grimsley said and went back to his paperwork then paused to add. "However that may change on Monday because I'm sure this isn't just a date. Mustang is a clever bastard, he's up to something. Not sure how I feel about that. He is a very capable commander in his own right."

"Speaking of," McClellan reached for the phone. "I have to order something slutty and easy access for my girl to show up in."

"Make sure you tell that seamstress she needs to get her hair done too." Grimsley reminded him. "I'm sure it's a full service establishment since it's where the Whitman's go."

"I wish I had been there with you, in Ishval." Hope said.

"No you don't." Grimsley said. "The fact that you just said that shows me just how naïve you still are Lieutenant.

"I just can't imagine the Colonel being..." Hope couldn't find the words he wanted.

"A hellbitch?" McClellan filled in the blanks. "Take my word for it, you don't want to see that. Her family made sure she was the best little battle ax they could take to war so that her big brother had someone's work to take credit for. She's nothing like the laid back girl you see here."

"Neither is Mustang." Grimsely remembered the hell that man unleashed with just a snap of his fingers. "A testament to how damned good those two are is that they can fool everyone into thinking they aren't capable of instant destruction."

"Shhhh!" McClellan said. "I need to order a dress...and maybe a thong"

"Why she trusts you, I will never know." Grimsely looked to the two younger officers and said. "Get back to work, story time is over."


	2. Special Guest Appearance

_Dogs of the Military_

Chapter 2

**Special Guest Appearance**

* * *

"Sure your date will show up?" Madam Christmas asked as Roy sat at the bar in his tux. She couldn't help but smile, she was proud of the man he grow up to be. She also had a surge of pride as there wasn't a woman in the bar that could keep her eyes off him. A few men as well, but she wasn't going to dwell on that.

"She'll be here." He gave his Mom a smile and she refilled his shot glass. He had arrived in Central on the early train and stopped first at the library to do research before making his way to the bar for lunch. He regretted not visiting more, but he felt like too much contact would put her in danger. Not that she didn't already deal in secrets and information, but that was her own doing. If anything happened to her because he slipped up, he'd never forgive himself. So here he was, pretending to be a patron waiting for his date.

"I remember when you used to bring Haley here when you were in the academy." Chris took a drag on her cigarette. "What happened to you two?"

"Went our separate ways after the war." He shrugged. Seemed to be the question of the week. Sure there was more to it but he didn't want to start that discussion. How in aftermath of their destruction Haley only saw a job that had to be done instead of the guilt he felt at night. He found comfort in her arms and body, but when it was over and he wanted to change the country...she simply smiled at him. She's support him when the time came, but that life wasn't what she would live. Her calling was the army, her freedom from her family was with the men she commanded. Haley Whitman was a field commander and to take her from that would have been cruel. Even if it would have been so much easier to use her name and his fame to get into Central. No, that war showed them their true selves and they both knew they walked separate paths. She however would always consider her a loyal friend and they did have their fun still when they chanced upon each other.

Chris raised her eyebrow as a woman in a long black dress stepped into her bar. Haley wasn't a knock-out, she was an average looking girl who's beauty came from the confidence of her fighting skill and rank. She was probably only an inch or two shorter than Roy, something she clearly considered when choosing the height of her heels. Short brown hair with sun-bleached strands, brown eyes and a fit but not supermodel body. Usually the girls Roy had on his arm had enough cleavage to hide his library in, however Haley was clearly relying on an expensive bra to create what she had going there. If she stayed quiet and dressed in uniform, nobody would have noticed her. However she was always eager to fight and had a smart reply for everything and she made people take notice. There was authority that could be communicated by just body posture and those eyes that surveyed everything, that was the kind of thing that could take your breathe away. So few women in the higher ranks and she was second only to Major General Armstrong. Chris knew it was no easy task to get where she was, especially at her age. "Your date is here."

Roy turned to look as he heard a catcall and a whistle. He smiled and stood as she walked over to him with the authority of a Colonel even though she was in a long black dress and not a uniform. "Haley, you look great."

She smiled at him as he leaned in to give her a peck on the cheek. "Not so bad yourself."

"Well if you're going to show up uninvited, best to look the part."

Haley smiled as she saw his foster Mom behind the bar. "Madame Christmas, it's been way too long."

"Good to see you kid." She gave her a wink. "Keep him out of trouble will you?"

"I can only try." Haley reached over and straightened his collar. "So are you going to tell me what this is all about or just leave me guessing?"

"I'll tell you on the drive over." He held out his arm for her.

"This better be worth it Roy. I'd rather fight the war a hundred times over than to walk in there and deal with my mother swooning over you asking when she can expect grandchildren."

He smirked and ran his finger over a scar on her arm from an injury during the war. Despite the beautiful dress and having her hair done, there was no hiding the fact that she was soldier. "Good. I'll tell her we're going to sneak off and go work on it when I need some time away from the party."

"You two coming back here tonight?" Chris asked. "Don't want to greet you with a shotgun on accident."

Haley smiled. "As long as I don't have to pay for him."

"Hell of a thing to say to my mother." He reminded her.

"Preemptive strike for what you're going to say to mine." She said and watched that mischievous smile tug at his lips.

"Yes, we'll be back pretty late." He said and clamped his arm down on hers and led her out of the bar before she could add anything lewd to his statement to see him blush.

She let him lead her down the street and over to his parked car. "Did you steal this or drive from East City?"

"It's Maes's."

She looked at the kid's toys in the back seat and smiled. "I guess there were a few ground rules about borrowing the car, huh?"

"Last time we tried the back seat of a car you ended up with a bloody lip and I got a black eye." He opened the door for her and she laughed at the memory. He leaned over the car door and couldn't help but smile. "You look beautiful Haley."

"Mmm...so do you." She looked to him and let herself drink in the uninhibited smile and handsome face. "Can we just skip the party and I'll make it worth your while?"

"Tempting, but no."

"Pity." She said and sat down. "Doubt I'm going to be this aroused later tonight after having to deal with their shit."

"If I wasn't trying to save the world, I'd be happy to give in to your seductive wiles." He leaned over and gave her a light kiss on the lips. "And yes, you most definitely will still be in the mood later."

"I really am a whore, aren't I?"

"No dear, you know what you want and I am a very lucky man." He grinned. "I need your help with something tonight, it's not just about my bid for General."

"Oh God, what the hell are you getting involved in now?"

He smiled and closed the door, then rubbed his face with his hand. This was going to be a long night. He opened the drivers side and sat down, trying to ignore her playful smile. "Not helping Haley."

"No wonder you're not married, you have a woman practically begging you to take her to bed and skip over the lavish date you have planned and you're ignoring her."

"I'm not married because you walked away from me and told me you wanted your career." He said more bitterly than he wanted to.

"So this is my punishment? Telling you I'd like to fuck you and you telling me we have to work first?"

"Yes." He said and handed her the blueprint copies hidden under the seat. "So quit talking dirty to me and focus."

"This is why alchemists don't have sex lives, it because you bring text books and blueprints on a date!"

"I have a great sex life, thank you." He slapped her hand off his leg. "Stop trying to rile me up."

"Did you finally hook up with Hawkeye?"

"No!" He stammered. "Why the hell would you ask that!?"

"It would be a very good reason for you to refuse me." She sighed.

"Hawkeye works for me and I would never cross that line with her. You however don't work for me and volunteer at every juncture to hop in bed with me. Why would I refuse that?" He pointed at the papers. "However right now I need your help and then I'll do whatever you want me to do to your body later. Just please stop trying to make me lose control. It's cruel and you know it."

"So is parading me in front of Central's finest." She sighed and looked at the prints. "So you want to talk architecture now? Worst, date EVER."

"So glad we didn't get married, I think I would have killed you."

"With boredom?" She asked.

He started driving. "Do you want to know why we're here or not?"

"Clearly not for sex." She sighed. "So from the looks of this my grandfather had Central remodeled."

"Yes. There used to be an entrance to the subway in the main building."

"Well that's the perfect way to make sure enemies have the easiest route possible into the capital building so they can kill your entire high command. Bet you're rolling in your grave now old man! Can't believe the worthless granddaughter agrees with your reasoning behind this move."

"We're going to find that entrance because it's the access to the underground rail system that leads to the five laboratories within Central and may give us a lead on where these chimera are coming from." Roy summed it up and watched her face betray her intrigue.

"Chimera." She said. "OK, I'm listening. What's going on?"

"These alchemic experiments are showing up on the outskirts of Central. Like someone is letting them loose to see what they are capable of. We have reports of these things all over the place, different degrees of hybridization. They're weapons of war and I want to know who's weapons."

"Wasn't there a chimera maker alchemist?"

"Shou Tucker. He was exposed as a fraud and went missing." Roy sighed. "He was supposed to be tried for his crimes but somehow vanished while under house arrest. I think our government is using him and his research to conduct experiments on people. Some of these chimera have human characteristics. More of a bonding of human and animal then a creation of a being."

"But you think there is more to it?" She asked and scanned the prints.

"These are government sanctioned experiments." He said. "This is a step beyond sending alchemists to battle, this is creating soldiers that are better and more destructive than even us. Our ability to stop them has been limited. One of these battle chimera could easily wipe out a unit of human soldiers."

"So what's the plan Colonel?"

"Get in those tunnels tonight and locate the air vents, find another access point so that I can come back and investigate. I'm sure someone is wondering why I had to get into this party and I can't risk doing too much tonight."

"That's good because I doubt I can fight a Chimera in this dress and heels."

"Thank you for doing this."

She smiled at him. "I guess it's not such a bad date after all."

"Thought you'd like it."

"So who do you have a great sex life with?" she asked without missing a beat in the conversation.

He glanced at her. "What?"

"You just said you have a great sex life, with who?" She smiled.

"Whoever."

"So you still don't have a seriously relationship? Just one night stands and dating random women?"

"Why are you bring this up now? You want me to ask you about your love life?"

"Women can self-service and last a while." She informed him. "You I worry about because I...worry about you. Especially when you keep a little black book of names. You know who else does creepy shit like that? Serial killers."

"Worried because I won't give in to you right now? I don't want to be late to the party, I have way to much to do tonight and for the record, yes, you are on my agenda too." He stopped at a traffic light and sighed.

"I'd rather hear a name of one girl you've lasted more than three dates with."

"You."

"See, that's why I worry."

"You sound like Maes."

"I want you to be happy Roy, I'd like to know you don't just spend your day at work plotting to overthrow the government and go out with shallow women who won't keep your attention for more than an hour."

"Well I'd like to see you not spend you nights listening to an old pervert read porn around the campfire and hear you tell me about 'self-servicing'. Who have you dated past the third date?" He countered

"I'm not trying to rule the country. Healthy family life just seems to make people trust you. Might want to work on that image. Maybe with the beautiful blond you have working for you." She watched him react to that and wondered how much more difficult he could make it to save him from himself.

"Wow, five minutes and you start off trying to seduce me, then telling me about taking care of your needs yourself and end with talking about another woman. And you're worried about _me_?" He scoffed

"Point taken." She mumbled and rolled up the plans to hide them under the seat.

"Can we not ruin our date by talking about this?"

"Sure, lets go dance around the blue bloods and then go hunt monsters in the abandoned tunnels under our government headquarters."

"Thank you."

"It's not about the image or being normal, Roy. It's about going home to someone and being able to separate your work and real life before you can't distinguish the two." She wasn't about to drop the subject. Time was limited.

"Enough Haley." he growled. He knew it was because he was prone to getting depressed and self loathing that she was bringing this up. It wasn't that she wanted to see him live the dream, it was to make sure he wouldn't dream. "Unless you're proposing to me. Are you?"

She frowned. Well that was one way to shut her up. "No."

"Then lets remember that when this weekend is over you're not coming home with me because you hate this life." He snapped and once again chided himself for making that sound more hostile than he intended.

"Fine." She looked at the traffic light and tried to ignore the tension.

"I have to hear this from Maes, I don't need it from you too."

"Fine." She said. "Sorry your friends care so much about you."

"Now I don't feel so bad about subjecting you to your family." He smirked as she glared at him.

"I'm proud of you Roy. You've accomplished so much in the last ten years and you aren't going to stop there. I just wish you could see that those of us who support you...we want you to be happy instead of sacrificing yourself for your cause. That's why we give you a hard time. You're on your way to changing the world and we don't want you to miss out on your own life in the process."

"Thanks." He gave her a smile. "Remember that in a few minutes when I am having a great time walking into this party with you on my arm."

* * *

"Lt. Colonel Haley Whitman and her escort...Colonel Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist."

He didn't even try to suppress the grin when they were announced and the crowded room went silent. All eyes turned to the entrance as he stood there with his date. "Smile Haley, they're going to take our picture."

Haley put on a smile and hissed through her teeth after the flash of the camera went off. "You can't even come close to repaying me for this."

"I know. You said you wanted to see me happy. Look, I'm pretty damned happy right now." He lead her down the stairs as the shocked aristocracy moved out of their way. "However I think you should appreciate how worried these people look at the sight of the two of us together. I'm sure you'll never leave the frontier now."

"You forget my father's substantial pull and how much they want _you_ under the crest of the Whitman household." She dug her fingers into his arm.

"Didn't forget that at all." He looked down at her. "I'd like to say I'm sorry but I really am enjoying this."

"Lose my phone number and don't ask me for anything ever again." She whispered as she saw her parents and that nuclear level glow of excitement on her mother's face. "Or turn me into a pile of ash before my Mom opens her mouth."

He gave her a pout. "That didn't take long. Your tolerance levels are getting lower, Haley."

"Aren't you adorable." She snorted as he threw that back at her.

"Yes, yes I am." He said proudly.

"Haley, what a pleasant surprise!" Evelyn Whitman was so excited she was trembling. She almost didn't believe her own eyes. Her daughter finally did something right! "Colonel Mustang, it's a pleasure to see you again!"

Lt. General Gerald Whitman raised his drink to his lips and smiled. "One hell of a +1 Haley, perhaps you've finally come to realize what you let slip through your fingers?"

"Here we go." She sighed.

"General, Mrs. Whitman, it's nice to see you again." Roy shook the General's hand and kissed Mrs. Whitman's hand in gallant fashion as Haley just stood there and glared at them all.

Evelyn felt like she was going to faint. "Oh God, you two look perfect together."

Haley groaned and wished that she was a drinker. This was going to be a long night. Of course Roy was going to make it exponentially worse by being his charismatic self. She looked around and saw the curious glances, the top brass whispering and the smiling face of the Furhur as he made his way over. "I kind of think you put on a little wight Roy, that tux doesn't hide it as well as the uniform. Might want to get out from behind that desk more or maybe do more than paperwork on top of it."

Roy turned to her and smirked. She wasn't going to bait him into a fight, not tonight. "I think you look incredible too Haley."

She watched his mischievous smile and heard her mother squeak like a schoolgirl. She leaned in close to him and whispered. "Keep it up and I'm going to leave your body in the tunnels tonight and walk out of here alone."

"Remember you wanted me to be happy." He placed a kiss on her cheek and winked.

"Trust me. I won't forget." She glanced over as the Furhur arrived. "Sir."

"Well, leave to our military's youngest and most promising officers to surprise me with an ambush." Bradley's eyes twinkled with amusement. "I'm happy to see I can count on your support Colonels. You are the future of this country and having you here shows how bright of a future that is."

Roy smiled. " Furhur Bradley, it's a pleasure to be here."

Bradley looked to the young lady next to him. "Lt. Colonel Whitman, you never cease to amaze me. I never saw this coming."

Haley gave him a warm smile despite the fact that that everyone knew the phones conversation had been on his desk within minutes of having been spoken. "Occasionally even I need a breath of civilization and some delicious food."

"It's nice to see you've both grown up." Evelyn Whitman still had a stupid grin on her face. "And seen what an amazing future you can have together! Oh you just look so perfect..."

Roy pulled Haley close to him knowing her patience was already paper thin. "We're just old friends."

"Of course you are." Gerald Whitman chuckled. "Come and drink with us Mustang, we'd love to hear what you've been up to and my wife would love to spend some time with the daughter who never comes home."

"Don't worry, Colonel." Bradley smiled. "We'll give her back to you before the dance."

Roy locked eyes with his date. She cocked an eyebrow and he returned with a smirk. They could wait til later to go exploring, right now they needed to gather as much intel as possible from the rather chatty and bored blue bloods of Amestris who were all too excited to talk to someone outside of their rather impenetrable circle. "Try not to get into too much trouble."

"Don't get too possessive of him Daddy, he is _my_ date after all." She watched her father's eyes darken as he recognized when his daughter was drawing a line in the sand and declaring her possession.

"Haley, keep your mother company while the men talk, would you?"Gerald shot back.

Roy ignored her cold stare at her father and flashed his signature smile. He heard a few women sigh dreamily. "Don't worry, I promise I won't leave your side for the rest of the night. I know our time together is limited."

Haley watched him leave and felt the women begin to swarm. Now she was left at their mercy and she wondered how long she cared to hold her tongue and not scare them off with her lewd and honest side. Normally she wouldn't care but she didn't want to make Roy look bad. She noticed the Furhur hadn't left yet, perhaps he was still an option to save herself from this. "Sir, how are Mrs. Bradley and Salim?"

"Good. Salim wasn't feeling well so Mrs. Bradley stayed home with him."

Damn. There went the chance to talk to the one woman in the room who wasn't a vulture. Her thoughts were interrupted as she heard her mother prepare to make another proclamation that would make her want to put her service weapon next to her ear and blow out her eardrum. Thankfully she wasn't carrying one for that very same reason.

"Oh, I can't wait for grandchildren! He's going to be such an amazing father of your children, Haley! They're going to be beautiful!" Evelyn sighed dreamily and looked to one of the other high borne women of Central. _Yes, Louise, feast your eyes on them!_

"Talented too!" Mrs. Louise Haverton chimed in and eyed the Whitman girl like a prize cow. "His influence will help curb that insubordinate independence you seem to have in you. Yes. Your babies will be perfect soldiers. Alchemy, strategy and a touch of aggression.. What took you so long Evelyn, these two are getting older now. Clock is ticking."

"Not like I haven't tried Louise." Evelyn sighed. "Better late than never."

Haley watched the old Mrs. Haverton circle her and check out the size of her hips. Another insufferable old woman that was one of her mother's 'friends'. An evil old biddy who had tried to turn her into a lady. Damned rich people had nothing better to do but sit around and plan out marriages and dream about adding some spice to the gene pools. "Still alive, Mrs. Haverton?"

"Miss Whitman." The old woman hissed. "Don't embarrass that man of yours."

"Mrs. Haverton, you don't get to order _me_ to do anything." Haley said dryly. Maybe some day high society would change and women would be useful for more than just making babies. Today however was not that day. Nevermind her military achievements, she was not married and had yet to produce children so she was labelled a failure.

"You grew your hair out." Evelyn noticed. "For him?"

Haley watched the ladies eyes all focus on her reaction. "Nope. Just don't trust my staff with scissors anymore."

"He's even more handsome than he was before Haley." Evelyn sighed. "If that's even possible. War hero, alchemist and gorgeous. I can't believe it's taken you so long to make your move!"

"I ran out of coffee." Haley said and looked at Bradley who seemed to be pretending that he wasn't standing in the middle of a hen house eavesdropping. "So a nice dinner, a reminder why I don't ever come home and casual sex with an old friend seemed like a small price to pay to restock."

Bradley chuckled. "Well, Colonel Whitman you are as honest as ever."

"Sir, if you would please save me from them I would be forever in your debt."

Bradley watched the woman chatter amongst themselves, feigning embarrassment at Whitman's crass statement. He held out his arm for her and she took it so he could walk her towards her family's reserved table where her brother was sitting and glaring at her. "Yes, let's talk about this surprise move you've made. Should I be worrying about finding your replacement?"

"Only if my brother doesn't wipe that ridiculous look off his face." Haley mumbled as their leader walked towards the table where her older brother sat scowling at her.

"Haley, great way to flaunt the fraternization rule in everyone's face." Brigadier General Sam Whitman held up his glass in a mock toast. "Well done little sister."

"Mmm..." Bradley said as she let go of his arm upon reaching the Whitman's reserved table. "I suppose I am supposed to have that discussion with you at some point."

"What discussion? The one where we pretend that everyone in Central isn't banging their secretary and that those cute little girls running around in skirts can actually hold their own in combat instead of take 'dictation'?"

"Yes, that one. Glad we got it over with." Bradley chuckled. "I am glad I don't have to take this up with you as much as I do with General Armstrong. However with rank there is entitlement and I suppose you ladies wouldn't be so ambitious without a touch of masculine drive every now and again."

"Maybe you should take notes Haley. How to be discreet with your sexual exploits instead of tell every gossip in the damned town you're here to screw your boyfriend and go home."

She shrugged. "Well find me a secretary that looks that damned good and knows how to do more than hump a warm body twice and fall asleep and I'll be happy to stay at home."

Roy made his way over to the table just in time for that comment and despite his best efforts, he burst into laughter. He tried to cover his mouth with his hand but then he looked at Haley and thought about doing her paperwork for her and started cackling as memories of the sexual harassment seminar resurfaced. He must have already had way too much to drink to let himself have that luxury.

Haley couldn't help but smile. He rarely laughed like that and never in public. She could see from the looks on the woman's faces around the room that she wasn't the only one who found it downright irresistible. He was handsome and charming, but put a smile on his face and women would choke on their drool. "You must be here to rescue me before I get court-martialled."

He nodded and bit his lip in order to compose himself. He cleared his throat. "Instead I find myself demoted to secretary."

"Apparently my brother thinks I'm being too open and honest about my intentions." She smiled. "Clearly he didn't talk to General Kline about what I learned in sexual harassment training."

"Look Haley, you might think this kind of publicity is funny, but it degrades the respect of the military." Sam hissed. "And thanks to you General Kline now has to take medication for that heart condition you aggravated."

"Quit lecturing me Sam. Not when you're bending your own secretary over your desk and enjoying the 'privileges of your rank'."

"Well Colonel Mustang, " Bradley raised his glass. "I suppose you could have bigger problems than a reputation like this."

"So I get lectured and he doesn't?" Haley rolled her eyes.

"I'm more interested in why you invited yourself to my party, Colonel Mustang." Bradley watched Mustang's reaction.

"Just thought I'd remind everyone that I'm rotting away in East City." He smiled back.

"A secretary job just _came_ available _under_ me, maybe you'd be interested in filling _my_ opening?"

"God Haley, seriously?" Sam spilled his drink and cursed under his breathe.

Roy almost started to laugh again but covered his mouth just in time.

"Well," Bradley smirked. "Glad you're going to give the folks around here something to talk about that isn't critical of my foreign policies."

"I think we need to go dance before you get us both fired." Roy held out his hand for her and didn't bother to hide his smile.

"Keep smiling like that and some of these old gals might not just be undressing you with their eyes."

"I'm more worried about you." He said and lead her to the dance floor.

"Can't believe you just called me old!" She let him whip her around and into his arms for the dance. She grinned as he pulled her close. "You wanted an excuse to disappear."

"I forgot how creative you get when interpreting orders. " He tired to suppress his laugh.

"You're irresistible when you laugh. You should be careful, Whitman's have a reputation for taking what they want."

"I think your mother might have just passed out." He tried not to smile as he saw General Whitman rushing to his wife's side as some old lady fanned herself and ogled him like a prize racehorse.

"Eh, it's a good night for everyone then. I bet my parents have sex for the first time in ten years, Sam will think twice about ordering his secretary to not wear underwear and Furhur Bradley will send you a thank you note for distracting the public who is getting a little critical of his build up of military force when we're not at war."

"Think you got yourself scratched off the guest list?"

"No, I think I got you put on it." She smiled back at him.

"So you think we'll skirt any ramifications of the fraternization?"

"Always do. It's a rule that applies to normal folks, not the privileged. You're fine as long as you show up with me."

"Want to slip away for a little while? Give them all a chance to recover?"

"It's awfully early." She ran her hand down his back and gave his butt a squeeze.

He shook his head. "I think I might get a medal of honor if I mellow you out a bit for the next round."

"After this dance." She let a grin touch her lips and eyed the socialites in the room. "All those years of dance lessons, I think I might want to put them to use and give someone else a heart condition."


	3. The Underground Railroad

_AN:_ Trimmed the sex scene as I've yet to figure out how far I can really go with an M rating. Sorry for the shorter chapter. I make up for it in the next one.

* * *

_Dogs of the Military_

Chapter 3

**The Underground Railroad**

* * *

Roy's eyes scanned the walls for any indication that they might have been altered. "So what exactly are you hoping to achieve by your...admissions up there?"

Haley squinted at the blueprints and frowned as the corridor seemed to have been completely remodeled and showed no evidence that it was access to anything downstairs. "You left me with little choice. Either I show up with you and have half of Central shitting themselves thinking you're making a move on their jobs or I downplay it as a overly complicated way of getting laid."

He looked over at her. "You really think we scare them that much?"

She cocked an eyebrow and continued to try and get her bearings in this hall.

"OK, that was a stupid question. Sorry, I didn't mean to drag you here so you would be forced to degrade yourself."

"I would go that far." She shrugged and looked to both ends of the hall to try and gauge if this was the center or not. "I defused a tense situation and now fewer people will be talking on Monday about you trying to climb into Central."

"Not really a fair trade for having this country talking about how I got into your dress."

"It doesn't bother me Roy. My whole life I've been treated as an inferior because of my sex and I honestly just don't care anymore. I'm where I want to be, I have nobody I care to impress and I'm confident in my ability to best most people if the situation calls for it. Trying to change the mindset about women in the military isn't my cause. Especially with those assholes up there."

"This is different." He said quietly. "I'm the one reducing you to no more than an escort service."

"And talks will eventually fade once we both go back home. Hardly even worth mentioning in the Whitman family history sadly." She narrowed her eyes and thought about that. "How thick are these walls?"

Roy walked over and opened an office door. "About three feet thick. You think the entrance wasn't walled up but just half the hall?"

"Remember my house?" She asked and eyed the size of the room. "Grandpa liked his secret hallways. Guess what worked for the slaves in his house would work just as well for the soldiers in Central. He felt about the same way about both of them. Use them and throw them away. "

He pulled out some chalk from his pocket and was about to start drawing when she grabbed his hand. "Someone coming?"

She heard the steps get closer. If he performed alchemy the glow of energy would be a dead give away. "Conference table or wall?"

He pocketed the chalk and looked around the room. "Wall. I'm the only one who gets to see you naked. Not putting you on display on the damned table."

"Then get this damned thing unzippered." She loosened his tie and unbuttoned his top buttons when he unzippered her dress. As soon as she was able she slipped it off her shoulders and he discarded his jacket. He was quick to unclasp her bra and toss it over his shoulder something she though was a little above and beyond selling it.

The footsteps got closer and he pressed his body against hers, putting her back against the wall and giving her a smile before running his hands up her exposed torso and landing on her breast. "The things I do for my country."

She wove her fingers into his hair and ran her leg up his so he could grab it. Then with a twinkle of amusement he gave her a kiss that betrayed his arousal. She hoped it was because he had the ability to turn him on and not that they were about to have someone walk in on them in five seconds.

"Hello?"

Roy broke off the kiss hesitantly and glared over at the intruder, a shocked private who was clearly just on routine patrol. "What is it private?"

"Uh...this is a restricted area. Military personnel only." The private looked away despite his training and cleared his throat.

"We are military personnel." Haley watched the boy look back up at her and she readjusted Roy's left hand to make sure it wasn't giving the kid a free show. Well any more than they already have.

"Uh...Can I see some identification?"

Roy looked at her and tried to hide his smile. "Private, I'm not going to move right now and expose anything else your virgin eyes shouldn't be looking at."

Haley reached up and ran her hand into his shirt to pull out his dog tags and pull the chain off his neck, then threw them at the kid. "Sorry, mine aren't an acceptable accessory for this dress, per Whitman family fashion standards."

The private looked at the name stamped on the tags. "Oh, Colonel Mustang. I'm so sorry I...still don't think you can be down here. "

"Listen kid, I appreciate what you're trying to do but if you make me take my hands off my date then I'm going to reach into my pockets and take out my gloves and you don't want that to happen."

"You should be more worried about me garrotting you with that chain necklace in your hand before he gets his gloves on." Haley sighed and shifted. "Seriously kid, you're killing the mood!"

"I'm sorry Miss...but..."

"It's Lt. Colonel."

"Ah..."

"And this is not the first time you've walked in on officers doing something appropriate in this building. So why don't you go ahead and forget what you saw and go back upstairs so we can resume and get back to that party?" Haley watched him fidget.

"You're not supposed to be down here." The private repeated.

"I told you we should have used my father's office." Haley sighed.

"Whitman." He stammered. "Oh my God. I'm sorry, Colonels. I...excuse me. Uh...good luck."

Roy watched him drop the dog tags on the table and scoot out the open door and shut it behind him. "Good luck?"

"Yeah, that killed the mood."

"Good luck?" He snorted. "Why does your name scare the shit out of him and not mine?"

"My father and brother abuse the hell out of their rank." She took the bra he handed her and put it back on. "Bet more than a few new transfers sent to Briggs saw something they shouldn't have. Don't be too offended by that."

"You never did tell me what that secretary position requires." He gave her a smirk and a wink.

"Love to show you but it's cold down here and now my nipples hurt." She slipped her dress back onto her shoulders and turned her back to him.

He zipped up her dress and placed a light kiss on her shoulder. "I miss you Haley."

She turned to him and pet his cheek with the backside of her fingers. "I miss you too Roy."

He bit his lip and forced himself to get his jacket and tie trying to ignore his erection and remember they were running out of time here. He turned to her as she came back with his dog tags and he bent his head to let her return them to their rightful place. Then she re-buttoned his shirt and he handed her his tie. "Do you really have to go back tomorrow?"

"Yes and so do you." She reminded him as she tied his bow tie for him and straightened out his collar and smoothed out his shirt and ran her hands over his vest.

He knew better than to kiss her, she wasn't going to be able to tell him no. He took a deep breathe and reached for his jacket. "Being responsible sucks."

She nodded. "Yes it does."

He grabbed his chalk and went over to the door to make sure the young man was gone and not lingering for a peep show. Then he quickly scratched out a transmutation circle and put a doorway in the wall. He raised an eyebrow. "Well that's not what I was expecting."

Haley walked over and was amazed that the interior walls were finished and the hall was lit. " I'll go first you need to seal up the wall behind us." She handed him his jacket and walked into the hall and made it twenty feet before finding the subway entrance. A beautiful display of craftsmanship, the arched entry way was too pretty to be hidden behind walls.

"Need some light?" He asked and produced a glowing orb of controlled fire and gave her a smug smile.

"It really does turn me on that you can do that."

"I thought your nipples were cold." He started to descend the stairs and heard her shoes clicking behind him to assure him that she was following.

"It will make for some fun pictures once we get back to the party." She followed him and found herself distracted by the architecture. "This is really quite the elaborate entrance. "

"It's also not dusty or showing signs that it's not currently in use." He shook his head. "That's not a good sign."

"Quite the pain in the ass have to drag an alchemist around you as the key to your secret subway system."

"It's something easy enough to learn." He said as they reached the platform for the non-existent train.

She walked to the edge of the platform and looked down at the tracks. She sat down on the edge and jumped down. "Tracks are rusted. At least the trains don't run anymore. However there are footprints and most of them don't look like boots."

Roy jumped down and illuminated the portion of the tunnel. He listened and heard nothing. "We need to find air vents. We've been gone too long thanks to Private Peeping Tom up there."

"Right." She nodded and opened up the blueprints. "We'll have to walk at least half a mile to get out from under Central command. You should have brought flashlights."

"Where did you want to hide those?" He asked as she started to walk down the tunnel.

"Point taken." She looked at the tile work on the tunnel walls. "Shame this was never put to use. Do you know if they ever utilized it?"

"Didn't really check into the history." He said. "What bothers me is that there is no access to street level for the trains. They would have to have somewhere to get a locomotive out of here to service it."

"Maybe there is another level of tracks you haven't found yet." She suggested. "Grandpa used to utilize this subway for his human trafficking and slave trading business. He had to have a way to get the cargo to Central Station in order to use the rail system."

"Old Grandpa Whitman, such a multifaceted guy." Roy watched her look at the tracks on the ground and said. "Did he ever tell you about this?"

"What? His secret route for shipping people?" She shook her head. "Only threatened to box me up and sell me to some pervert in Shing if I didn't kill people for him. I also used the walls in our house to spy on him and find out what he was up to. I wanted something to use against him, when I did try he smacked the shit out of me and threatened to turn me in for murder. I hope he's burning in hell, that is if he hasn't already taken over the place because the devil wasn't running it efficiently enough."

"I hate your family." He said.

"Me too." She turned and smiled at him. "Can't wait for the day you take control and kick them out of power."

"I wanted to set your Father's tongue on fire for the shit he was saying about you tonight."

She shrugged. "I'm used to it."

"Haley, you're the second highest ranking woman in the military and he still talks about you like you're the family dog. Worse, I have to stand there and listen to it." He watched her casually shrug, she had learned to tone out the insults long ago.

"I'm sure you're in store for more of that once we get back up stairs." She looked up at the ceiling. "We should be getting close now."

"You do know I'm proud of you, don't you? Even if your family can't acknowledge what you've done, I have always been proud of you." He said it softy, feeling like he had to do something to offset the talks about why she was on his arm tonight.

"Me? You're the one who can't stop overachieving! Now you're trying to save the country from monsters in addition to an evil regime..." She fell quiet as she heard voices.

He extinguished the light and inched closer to the sound. Then whispered. "I think we're outside the walls."

The sound of a passing car made her turn to him in order to confirm his statement. Instead he slammed into her in the dark and instinctively grabbed her by the waist to make sure he didn't knock her down. She leaned close and whispered, "So...how are we going to mark the entrance?"

He frowned. "Shit. Didn't think of that."

She thought about what they had on them that they could do without. She could tell he was thinking the same thing. "Well, I guess you don't get to see this thong I'm wearing."

"We're not having sex down here."

"No, but I'm donating something to the cause of finding this storm drain again."

He felt her wiggle in his arms and chuckled. "And you gave Sam a hard time about his secretary going commando?"

"Well I guess it's going in the new edition of the War Manual as a bona fide tactic." She pulled from his arms and felt for the track with her toe before she tripped over it. She stepped over and felt him behind her. "Going to give me a lift?"

"Least I can do." He put his hands around her waist and lifted her up so she could step on the ledge.

She climbed onto the service walkway trying to not touch it with her dress. Then she started to climb the old metal ladder up the the drain access. It attached to the wall beside the actual drain and she was glad it wasn't underneath it as she'd never salvage the dress if she touched the oily scum running down the walls. She was going to have to thank McClellan for buying the string release version of the silk panties as it came in handy while trying to tie the undergarment on the storm drain grate. Successful she climbed back down.

"Put your hands on my shoulders and fall into me, I can't lift you down without you touching these nasty walls."

"Stupid engineering, the rain water must be eroding the walls and ground under the tracks."

"That's really what you're going to choose to comment on right now?" He asked as she fell into his arms and he set her back down on the ground. "Waste water management?"

"Just light it for a moment." She said and he did as requested. The water was actually running down into another drain system. "Wonder where that goes and what's beneath this tunnel..."

"Sorry, I'm just a little distracted by nothing being beneath your dress." He glanced up at the thong dangling from the drain above before he let the light extinguish. He listened to her laugh and smiled as they made their way back to the party. "We really need to do this more than once a year."

* * *

"Kinda reminds me of when we were cadets." He winked as he opened the door to the kitchen at the bar and she slipped past him after slapping his ass. They suffered though the rest of the party and spent most of the night out on the dance floor trying to stay as visible as possible. At least that's what he told her, he just genuinely enjoyed dancing and it was great to have a partner who took ballroom dancing lessons as a child.

"Except everyone wants to watch us now." She took off her shoes and watched him close and lock the door.

He pulled her back into him and kissed her. "You were fucking killing me tonight."

"Then punish me for it."

He leaned around the corner and made sure nobody was in the bar. Then he looked up the stairs to his old room. "Weird that my Mom knows what we're doing now."

"She always knew." Haley informed him and darted past him and up the stairs to his room.

He smiled and ran up after her, untying his bow tie and removing his jacket so he could throw it on the floor as soon as he got in his room and shut the door. She greeted him with a kiss and pinned him against the wall. He ran his hands up her body and couldn't help but smile. "I think we're much better at this now than we were back then."

"Unzip." She spun in his arms and showed her ass into his pelvis while leaning forward so he could still have access to the zipper. She heard his breathe fluctuate and smiled. Yeah, she was much better at this than she was back then.

He did as commanded and freed her from her dress for the second time that night. She turned around again and raced to get his vest and shirt unbuttoned. His hands found a useful place on her butt and he lifted her up to give him better access to her shoulders so he could kiss her clavicle.

She cursed the clothing and finally got the vest off, his shirt was unbuttoned enough to give her hands access to his chest. She wanted to touch him. "Guess I should have mentioned earlier I wasn't expecting to see you so soon so I've been off birth control for a while."

"Part of being a womanizer is being prepared for that." He grinned as her hands ran over his torso. He pushed her dress off the rest of the way and picked her up to put her on his bed. It gave him a chance to finish undressing and her a chance to kick off her nylons and garter belt. He noted the lack of underwear and smiled.

She had less to shed so was pretty quick to pounce him again and cover his lips and neck with kisses and nips. He kicked his shoes off and stepped out of his pants. Her hands were on his boxers and helped free him of those so he could rip off his socks and pin her to the bed.

"How the hell can we only do this once a year?"

"I know..." She moaned as he ran his hands down her torso and his mouth found her breast. "You really need to consider that secretary position."

"That is not one of the positions I have considered tonight." He let his hand roll over her hip and then her thigh, then between her legs so he could feel her breath get sucked out of her.

She dug her fingers into his back as his fingers rolled over her most sensitive spot and teased her to the point of a gasp escaping her lips. "Quit teasing me, I've been wanting you inside of me all fucking night."

"Hold that thought" He said and fumbled in his bag for the condoms he had purchased at the train station upon his arrival in Central. She kissed his arm as he struggled to get the package open. "Dammit!"

She grabbed the package from him and opened it with her teeth and then made a face when she tasted the latex and spermicide. "I hate that smell. I'm never going off birth control again."

He chuckled and took the condom from her and managed to concentrate long enough to get it on.

"Don't laugh at me." She tried not to spit the taste out of her mouth.

"Just enjoying you. You're really cute." He jumped back on her and kissed her. "Sure you don't need a little more teasing?"

"I want you inside of me now."

He swallowed hard as her husky voice and words threatened to shake his concentration. He ran his hand over her leg and she wrapped if around his back so he could guide himself into her waiting body. He felt her tense and squeak in excitement as he slowly worked his way inside of her. His eyes remained on hers as he slowly pressed himself into her body.

She ran her hands through his hand and pulled him down to her lips raising her body into him. Her hands roamed over his back and she grabbed at his shoulders and finally around his neck so she could pull him closer to her as his thrust began.

* * *

Roy jolted awake covered in sweat and with his heart racing. He felt something restricting him and his first reaction was to try and break free.

"Easy." Haley said softly.

He let his mind push away the fingers of panic and took a deep breath as she stroke his back with her fingers and slowly ran them up his neck to play with is hair. He relaxed and put his head back down on her chest. This was exactly the reason he never stayed til morning with any women he made it past dinner with. However there were always exceptions and Haley knew his demons.

She wrapped her arm back around him protectively as he nuzzled his head against her and placed a light kiss on her bare shoulder. He was quick to drift back to sleep and she continued to pet him reassuringly and worry about the increased intensity of his nightmares since the last time they had been together. She had hoped that things would eventually evolve between him and Riza but if he was in her arms tonight than that clearly wasn't the case. She hated the thought of him waking up alone at night tortured by the sights, smells and screams of the war.


	4. The Wedding Fiasco

_Dogs of the Military_

Chapter 4

**The Wedding Fiasco**

* * *

"Good morning."

Roy ran his hand through his wet hair and smiled when he saw Haley was still here and enjoying her coffee at the bar. "Glad you decided to stay."

She raised an eyebrow as he looped his arm around her waist and gave her a kiss on the neck obviously trying to start something. "Forgot you like to start off your morning with cardiovascular exercise."

He grinned and let his hand drift higher, gently rolling his hand over her breast as he huskily whispered, "You should take advantage of me as much as you can before you head home. We have a lunch date at Maes's at 11am...not going to leave us much time to fool around before you leave."

"When has that ever worked on me?" She swatted his hand off her as she heard Madame Christmas coming around the corner with breakfast. "Not a morning sex person and you're never a morning person. Especially after you inform me I have to take an even later train to get home."

He stood up and smiled, pretending like he wasn't just fondling the woman who spent the night in his old bedroom with him. "Good morning."

Chris put down the plate of scrambled eggs and watched his eyes light up. "I take it you want me to make you breakfast too?"

"Just have mine." Haley pushed the plate to him and watched him descend on it like a swarm of locusts.

"You're too nice to him." She reached for a cigarette and refilled the coffee cup in front of her. "I'll be back with yours then and I'll make sure it's tastier for your sacrifice."

Roy gave them both a boyish smile. "Sorry, nobody else's scrambled eggs taste this good."

"So when do you two head home?" Chris asked as he cleaned the plate, clearly ravenous from his activities last night. She was glad to see him happy, though she wished it would last a little longer.

"I guess I'll take the late train since someone scheduled a lunch date with Maes for eleven." Haley sighed. "Some Colonel who clearly can't use a train schedule and basic math to realize it means I have to drive through the night to make it home by dawn."

"Sleep on the train." He scraped the last bit of egg off his plate and reached for her coffee cup to wash it down and was slapped on the hand for his effort.

Haley took her cup and protectively moved it out of his reach. "I'm not capable of sleeping through everything like you are. You should get out from behind that desk more often and remember why we are light sleepers around hostiles."

"Maybe I'll come visit." He said and grinned when Chris handed him a cup of coffee. "You can meet me in Pendleton."

"Don't want to come out to my fort?" She asked.

"Not unless you want me to execute Sargeant Insubordination."

"Good point." She stretched as Chris went back to the kitchen with his plate to refill it and bring out another one for her.

"I'm serious though, we should visit more often." He eyed her coffee and she reluctantly let him have some.

"You're just saying that because you can't figure out how to work sex into our already busy schedule today." She watched him drink everything out of her cup and put it down on the bar top.

"I'm saying that because I think we need to work _us_ into our busy schedules."

"We're already treading a dangerous line Roy, taking quarterly sexcations to the other side of the country is not going to help either of us." She hated to admit it, but they were pushing it a little.

"I was hoping you'd come up with some brilliant battle plan to make it plausible." He sighed as he lift his eyes to see a steaming hot cup of coffee and another plate of eggs come around the corner followed by his foster Mom.

"Not after this." She slid the morning's newspaper over to him. She knew he'd be thrilled that they were on the front page but she wasn't nearly as excited about it.

He grinned as he saw a picture of them from the previous night on the front page, above the fold. "We do look good together."

* * *

"Why does chaos follow you two everywhere you go?" Maes asked as Roy and Haley sat down at his kitchen table. He threw the morning's newspaper at Roy and watched him smile.

"Seems like it's how everything seems to go with you two." Gracia chuckled as Haley rolled her eyes and Riza sat at the other end of the table shaking her head.

"Sir, do you have any idea how difficult this makes my job?" Riza asked and he gave her a grin in reply. She had enjoyed her day shopping with Gracia and spending time with the Hughes family at the park. Maes was just adorable when he was out playing with his little girl and she had told him she'd take the pictures for him so he could enjoy himself. They were a perfect family and it was nice to see it. It was also nice to see Roy happy and she had to admit she could picture doing the same thing for him one day as he played with his own kid with the woman who was currently beside him.

"Or mine." Haley sighed and reached for her coffee cup. "Since now I have to answer the phone every day and listen to my mother tell me about baby names and wedding dresses."

"Speaking of weddings..." Gracia smiled sweetly. "I never did hear what happened to that swan that ate my wedding ring or that horse you stole."

Maes picked up his daughter and grinned. "Want to hear about the day Mommy and Daddy got married?"

Elicia squeaked.

Riza raised her eyebrows. Well this ought to be good. It amused her that Roy had a childish side to him that Haley seemed to bring out. It was nice to know that he could get a break from his rather burdensome life. Beyond being a stress reliever, the woman seemed to give his mind a much needed breather. It was a long way from the relationship she had seen in Ishval, but it was hard to compare anything to those days fairly. "Are you sure this story is appropriate for all individuals in this room?"

"Haley, do you even know how to tell a censored version of this story?" Roy asked. "Do you even know what censorship means?"

She shrugged. "You tell it then. You were the best man."

"Roy! I'll be your best man right?" Maes said.

"I guess." Roy watched his mood change and hesitated to take a sip coffee in case his next move was to shove a photo in his face.

"Good." His smile faded and he let his glasses slide down his nose as he could look at his friend over them. "Because payback is a bitch."

"It was an accident!" Roy exclaimed.

"How does my wife's wedding ring accidentally end up inside a goose?" Maes growled back.

"It was a swan."Haley informed him. "Had it been a goose we would have served it for dinner and you would have never known anything happened."

"My Gracia's wedding ring is at the bottom of a lake encased in swan crap." He reminded them.

"Please tell me the story?" Gracia asked. "I've been dying to know the true story behind this ring since I found out the one I picked out wasn't 'good enough'."

"The ring wasn't good enough?" Riza asked as she heard the tone in Gracia's voice relay that this was a key part of the wedding story.. She was amazed Roy could berate Edward for being a harbinger of chaos and destruction when clearly he wasn't much better.

"Thanks Haley, way to sell the story!" Maes said with a roll of his eyes.

"Price you pay for marrying an intelligent woman, dumbass." Haley grabbed her coffee and looked up at the clock. "Ironic we have to do this on the day I'm probably going to be late for another damned train."

"Can you refrain from cursing constantly in front of my impressionable daughter?" Maes asked.

"Yet you want us to tell _this_ story?" She asked and he glared back at her.

"Oh please, do tell! I don't know when we'll see you two again." Gracia smiled sweetly and saw the glance from her husband who knew exactly what she was doing. Thankfully the two 'brilliant' soldiers at the table were too busy trying to ignore the picture of them on the newspaper sitting between them and their lunch plates to see the ploy. Riza smirked seeing thought the plan.

"Yes Roy, let's hear about the day you tried to ruin my wedding." Maes said dryly.

* * *

_~The Wedding Day~_

"So let's remember the plan." Maes closed his eyes and steadied his breathing. He opened then and used a pointer to slap a huge poster on the wall outlining exactly how the day had to go. "You have to be back here by 1."

Roy rolled his eyes. And they called him dramatic. "Yes. Noon train. We can be back by 1."

Maes looked to the other man in his wedding party, Major James Fletcher. "And you need to pick up the wine from the train while Roy picks up his date."

James nodded. "I think we can handle this mission Maes. I realize none of us are Generals yet, but something makes me think that we can handle a simple retrieval."

Roy sighed. Major Fletcher was another intelligence man who Maes had befriended during the war. Fletcher had graduated a year before them and had spent four years in Ishval. He was probably missing those days now as Maes was driving them both insane on his wedding day. "Can we leave now?"

"Yes. No." Maes looked around and wondered what he could possibly be missing.

"We're leaving. Be back by 2." Roy stood and watched Fletcher smirk.

"2!" Maes screamed. "Are you insane?"

Roy walked out of the room and rubbed his face with his hand. "I'm glad Gracia still wants him because I sure as hell don't."

James chuckled. "Funny how a woman can reduce a man to just a babbling pile of idiocy."

"Roy wait!" Maes burst out of the room and grabbed his best friend by the shoulders and shook him.

"Seriously Maes! Haley is going to slit my throat if I leave her standing on that train platform waiting for me. You know how impatient she is and the people in this town are very nice, easy going and simple. This is how wars start." Roy winced as he shook him for not apparent reason other than to be a hyper pain in the ass.

"The ring." Maes said and stood perfectly still. Then he pulled the sacred band out of his pocket and placed it in his best friend's hand. "You have to take the ring and keep it safe. I can't watch it in the dressing room. They want me to talk to them about pictures."

"OK, great. Go do that." Roy looked at the little gold band and wondered how Gracia's fingers could be that small.

"I'm so glad Haley's coming." He smiled and hugged his friend. "I hope you two can realize what a great thing marriage is and what you're missing out on."

"Going to be missing that train." Roy mumbled.

"Yes, go. Be back by 1!"

Roy put the ring in his vest pocket and shook his head. He wished his date wasn't stationed on the other side of the world and could have been here with everyone else yesterday. It was a long trip from her fort to Central and then a few connector trains were required to get to this remote vacation spot. His patience was about worn out and it would have been nice to have reinforcements from the beginning.

"So, can't help but wonder what exactly is going on with you and Lt. Colonel Whitman. Maes seems to be under the impression there's something...uh..long distance?"

"He invited her and begged her to come. She's my date because she likes to get in my pants. That's the extent of things." Roy didn't really know the guy and he wasn't about to divulge his entire life story.

"OK, just curious." Fletcher said.

* * *

Haley stared at the conductor. "You have got to be shitting me!"

"Please, ma'am...sir.." the conductor cleared his throat. "Please, there are children listening. Please watch what you say."

"It's Lt. Colonel." She hated small towns. Not only was she the only person in uniform but the rural folks just didn't seem to have the vocabulary she was used to or a damned iota of motivation. "So what you're telling me is that I missed the only train heading to Hopewell Springs because you had to stop and let cows cross the tracks?"

"What would you have me do, run over them?"

"Isn't that triangular thing on the front of this locomotive called a cowcatcher?" She pointed at the device mounted to the from of the engine.

"I'm sorry, Colonel, but out here we do not run over innocent cows just to keep the trains on time. That is senseless slaughter of innocent bovines." The conductor held his head high.

She wanted to stuff him in his own engine as fuel for the remark clearly aimed at the military. Instead she looked around for a car she could hire to drive her to the next station where her date was waiting. "OK, why don't I see any cars here?"

"In this town?" He asked with a chuckle. "Well this is only a junction. There is a market for livestock and grain being shipped out, but nothing more. Nobody really comes here unless they're passing through or dropping off products to ship out. The two proprietors, the livestock guy and the butcher, both live in their shops."

"So, let me get this straight. You have no transportation whatsoever out of this shithole except for the train you're standing on?"

"Yes, Colonel." He replied coldly.

If the damned train wasn't on a perpendicular track to the one she needed to be on she would have already commandeered it and just suffered for it later. She walked away from him and started towards the stockyards. She mumbled to herself as she stormed over ignoring the looks from the locals. "I am never going to hear or see the end of this if I miss this stupid wedding. Why couldn't you just have it at a church in Central? Why did you have to spend your savings on a wedding at some far off resort town Maes?"

The owner of the stockyards spit a wad of tobacco out and raised his eyebrows. "Well a lady in uniform, don't see that everyday."

"I need to buy a horse, got one?"

"Nope." He looked over in the pens. "I got cows."

"I see that." She wondered how fast a cow could run and how uncomfortable they would be to ride.

"Sold the horse I had to the butcher. "

"OK, so was that recently?" She asked and he spit out some more chewing tobacco.

"Yup. Don't think he's broke to ride."

"Don't care." She looked over at the shop with the meats in the window across the street and hoped the guy hadn't already turned the only mode of transportation in this stupid town into sausage.

"I sell ya a saddle though."

"Great, thanks." She slung her haversack onto her back and walked over to the butcher shop and general store. The bell rang and a small woman looked up from the counter.

"Hello! What can I get you today Miss?"

"Do you have a live horse somewhere in this building?"

She frowned. She had read that some soldiers were forced to eat things instead of starve during the war, it seemed a shame that this young woman was forced to do that. However if she had the taste for it..."Yes, I do."

"I'll buy it."

"How do you want it processed?"

"I'll take it alive thanks." She said and walked up to the counter with her wallet. "How much?"

"Um...per pound is...well $250." Well it appeared this young lady liked her meat rare.

She shook her head. She knew she was getting robbed but there was little choice. Somewhere in the back of her head she heard her father bragging about how adaptable she was and how that made her a great field commander. Then another part of her brain screamed that she was late to a wedding she promised she'd come to and the groom would make sure she never forgot it if she was late. "Here. Where is it?"

"We'll bring him out back for you."

Haley sighed and walked around back and saw a wild eyed black thoroughbred dancing around a man with a blood stained apron. "Wow, your scales must be broken because that horse is nowhere near worth your price."

"This is a butcher shop not a livery." The man handed her the lead rope and walked off before he was trampled.

She lead her new horse across the street as he nickered and tried to step on her. "I'll buy your saddle and a bridle if you have one."

"You can't ride something that ain't broke."

"Watch me." She snapped the lead to get the animal's attention and he stared at her before screaming and dancing again. He seemed fit even if he was underweight so it was a good bet he might have raced for someone and ended up not being fast enough. She snapped the lead again and pointed at his nose. "Listen pal, you just have to get me from here to the next stop and that's only 5 miles. So try not to be an ingrate and remember who just saved your skinny ass from becoming dinner."

She quickly paid the man and tied the horse to the fence, threw the saddle on and cinched it, then fought with the gelding to put the bridle on. All the time she was thinking about Maes crying and showing her pictures of Roy sitting at the reception all alone and telling her how she ruined his wedding. Horse ready, she walked him over to the train platform where some local kids had gathered to stare at the crazy lady soldier who thought she could ride an unbroke horse. At this moment she was glad she had joined the polo team at the Western command and was back in riding shape again. It would have been a stretch to pull this off if her last lesson was when she was 15.

She climbed he platform and jumped into the saddle so she couldn't have to fight with the animal to get her foot in the stirrup. As soon as her butt hit the saddle the horse reared and launched forward, then refused to move. She pulled his head around to determine that steering was minimal. Kicking seemed to confuse him and there was little understanding of the bit. She didn't really care. As long as he went forward and she either died or got to the next stop it was going to be a victory. So she took out her pistol and shot behind him to launch him forward. "Go forward dammit! Run that way!"

Another shot and the horse bucked twice, leapt forward and took off.

* * *

"Date wasn't on the train huh?" James asked as Mustang frowned. "Some great womanizer you are."

He watched the train leave and wondered why Haley would torture him with a weekend of hearing Maes whine and James mock him. It had been six months since the war ended and they went their separate ways, but it had been on good terms. Or so he thought. He didn't even ask her to this! Maes did, so she couldn't be mad at him for trying to rekindle things. Or maybe she could. Either way it was going to suck dealing with this hell alone. Yeah, so much for his reputation.

"Well we have a deadline so time to go Roy. It's not like she's going to show up now, train's left and there are no other ways to get here."

He shrugged and heard some people begin to gasp and chatter on the other end of the platform. He thought he heard a gunshot and dismissed it. It was the country, surely people hunted or practiced out here. It was a resort town.

"Was that a gunshot?" James asked and looked towards the cause of the commotion. "Is that...a horse?"

Roy watched a black horse fly past the platform on the other side of the tracks and the blur of a blue uniform. He also thought he heard someone shouting obscenities. "I think my date's here."

Haley regretted using the gunshot to motivate her horse to go faster as she didn't realize exactly how close she was to the station. Now she was going to have to figure out how to stop a horse without brakes and find Mustang before he left. She yanked her mount to the right and he jumped the tracks, continuing on his path into the main street of town where he suddenly remembered he was scared of everyone and everything. He planted his feet and stared at the people.

"Well better late than never." Roy called to her as he walked down the stairs from the platform and smiled as she looked down at him looking every part the cavalry officer from a picture in an obsolete book. "I remember you telling me you used to take lessons and play polo, but this is a weird time to remind me of that."

"I missed the damned train." She explained. "He's all they had for transportation in Shithole Junction back there."

"Well, we have a car waiting over here if you don't mind continuing the conversation as we drive. We're on a strict schedule." He informed her and she rolled her eyes knowing Maes was probably on the verge of insanity already.

She eyed the man coming over swirling keys around his finger. "Well if it's all the same to you, I guess I'll ride. I'd hate to have people say I 'ride em hard and put em away wet'...it would ruin my reputation as a humanitarian."

Roy smiled at her as he realized that was for James's benefit and not his own. Yes, because 'humanitarian' was exactly the first term that popped in people's heads when their names came up."Major James Fletcher, this is Lt. Colonel Haley Whitman."

"Well I am not surprised you know how to handle a wild horse, Colonel Whitman." James watched Mustang react to that and smiled. "After hearing how well you handle this Mustang."

"Isn't he clever." Haley winked at Roy. "That just opens up all kinds of fun innuendo doesn't it?"

"I really doubt you two need the help." James slapped Roy's shoulder. "Let's go before the groom has a heart attack."

"So did you steal that nag?" Roy asked as she gave him a playful smile.

"No, thank you very much! I paid way too much for him and this dry rotted saddle." She spun the horse around to make him walk and do something other than stare in fright at pedestrians. "I think I'm going to call him Widowmaker... or Woah Dammit."

"Long way from the thoroughbreds your parents raised." Roy mused.

"Are you talking about me or the horse?" She asked and pulled her gun out when her skinny black steed refused to move. He saw the gun and chose to move forward without encouragement.

"That is kinda a funny analogy. Wonder why I never heard that one." James started the car and watched the horse jump and snort. "Thoroughbred and Mustang. One pedigreed well bred animal for the sport of kings and the other a wild unpredictable horse of no specific bloodlines. The athlete and the scrappy fighter..."

"That's cute." Haley chirped. "Almost makes it sound dirty... like interracial porn."

James watched her trot the spooky critter down the street in front of them and looked over at Roy. "If you're not serious about her by the end of the weekend, I'm getting her number."

Roy glared at him and sat down. Something like that shouldn't make him jealous, but he didn't have another explanation for the emotion he was currently experiencing. "Not concerned about fraternization laws?"

"I hear you get a pass when dating one of the blue bloods. Is that true Colonel?"

"We're not dating."

"Well then , you don't mind if I get her number huh?"

"You can try. I think they still bang rocks together or use carrier pigeons where she's stationed."

"Good to know. I think I still have my junior detective Morse code super spy kit out of a cereal box from when I was a kid.."

* * *

Maes looked at the clock. "It's 1:08!"

"You should have them executed." Haley suggested. "Punctuality is a virtue."

"You're not wearing that are you?" Maes started biting his nails. "I thought I told you you had to wear a dress! It's not a military wedding! Oh my God why did you bring a horse to my wedding?"

"She stole it." James offered.

"I did not! I was the one robbed." She offered the reins to Maes. "Unless you think it's a great wedding present?"

"No! Oh my God! This isn't on the schedule!"

"Horse theft isn't scheduled. " Roy said with his most authoritarian voice. "Off with her head!"

"Sorry, left my sword at home per Maes's orders." She shrugged. "I'm going to go take a shower and get cleaned up."

"In that uniform?" Maes asked.

"I was thinking about maybe taking it off to shower, but dismissed it as a little over the edge for even me." haley replied and watched Roy smile. Maes wasn't amused.

"Look, Gracia's mom is a little critical of women in the military. She's old fashioned. Thinks...women should stay home with their family." Maes smiled and batted his eyelashes at her. "So maybe...just today you can be...an ordinary girl?"

Roy chuckled. "Good luck with that."

"Little late for that." James added. "Good girls don't steal horses and discharge their firearms as merely a show of force."

"Fine, I'll go jump in the lake and get cleaned up that way." She turned and her new horse sneezed on her and got half grass and saliva all over her face.

"Great!" Maes said.

"I'll come with you." Roy offered. "Make sure nobody sneaks up on you."

"Excellent!" Maes said. "Do it quick, we lost five minutes standing here talking! Keep her away from the guests until she looks like a normal girl Roy."

"You're such a gentleman." James said dryly.

"Sorry, what's that in Morse code?" Roy retorted and put his hands in his pockets to follow Haley to the barn where she was going to store her new purchase while she bathed in a lake. Yeah, things were never boring with her around.

"What is wrong with them?" James asked as Maes shrugged.

"I wish I knew. I've been dealing with this since sophomore year at the Academy."

"Your best friend is an idiot." James said. "Which really makes it even harder to digest that he outranks me."

"Haley outranks you too."

"That's kind of hot." He frowned. "But thanks for the reminder asshole."

Maes smiled. "So what is the next item on the schedule?"

"Panic attack?" James asked. "You're getting married in less than three hours."

* * *

Roy sat on a rock and watched her dunk her head under the water and rinse out the shampoo. "Wonder if anyone will see the suds in their picturesque lake and wonder who contaminated it."

She opened her eyes and smiled at him. "You can always join me and help pollute the lake."

He narrowed his eyes at her as she added conditioner to her hair and stood out of the water to reveal her incentive. He thought about it. "I think we have time for that."

"You think?" She snorted and dunked her head underwater to rinse out the hair product. "I'm over here naked in a lake asking you to join me. Are you really Roy Mustang or an imposter?"

He smiled and shrugged off his coat and felt in his vest pockets once more for the ring. He pulled his watch out and checked the time. Then started to hurry to get undressed. "You sort of caught me off guard, I didn't exactly bring protection to the train station with me. In my bags in my room...You're never _that _happy to see me."

"You should, train stations are disease ridden pits second only to hospitals. You should be more careful." She swam closer to shore to watch him undress.

"You know what I mean."

"As long as I have advance notice I can start taking government issue birth control." She watched him kick off his shoes and added. "So now I can tell that James guy how I got to ride my Mustang bareback?"

He shook his head. "I think part of the acting like a normal girl statement was to tone down your mouth as well."

"Give me something else to do with my mouth and I will."

"Did you miss me?" He asked. "Or are you excited by the wedding atmosphere?"

"I missed you." She dunked her head in the lake and rinsed out the conditioner. Then she wiped her eyes and looked at him drop his pants. "For the record, I am pretty sure that the condom package says not for aquatic use."

He laughed and said. "So are you watching out for me or just trying to prevent me getting a girl pregnant so you can keep me all to yourself?"

"There's continued learning conference in Central in a few months, thought I might book you for a rendezvous." She watched him wade into the lake. "Thought maybe you could tutor me afterward on how to play well with others and be all I can be."

He leaned down and kissed her, then lifted her into his arms. "Why wait til after, we could sneak out and do it during the seminar."

"So that's why you outrank me. Good thinking Colonel. Very efficient."

* * *

"Any chance you're bored with the western frontier and want to come closer to me? I think I could get used to this." Roy floated back to shore with her gently kissing his chest.

"Only been six months since the war ended."

"The war ended Haley, maybe Maes is right about leaving it behind us." He didn't exactly want to elaborate about what else Maes had said as it was mainly about suicide and human transmutation. Last thing she needed to was to worry about him more. That wasn't how he wanted to convince her to come home with him.

"Roy, I have my own command away from everything. My own fort, I don't have to answer to anyone on a daily basis because the idiots in Western HQ are afraid I'll expose them for being inept. Cretians occasionally show up and pick a fight. The rest of the time I can just enjoy the peace and beauty of the the open plains." She ran her finger down his jaw. "You can always come out there with me."

"That sounds like hell." He said sadly. "Boring, desolate hell."

"So now you understand why I can't stand the thought of a life in Central."

"I'm not in Central. East City isn't that bad." He replied. "Pretty unstable region. We have all kinds of problems to deal with. You wouldn't get bored."

"Your plans eventually land you in Central. For life."

"Yes but..."

"Fraternization laws get a little more difficult to dance around when we're both in the same region and under the same commanding officer. " She reminded him.

"Right." He looked over at a swan waddling across the beach and sighed. "I guess we have to go back before someone sneaks up on us to announce we're off schedule."

"Yes, I have to be a good girl." She placed a light his lips. "Until I can get you alone again."

"I'll believe that when I see it." He looked back at the swan who was checking his pockets for food; Clearly spoiled by the city goers who liked to feed the pretty animals on their escape to the country. Then he saw a little glimmer of light as the sun reflected on something before the swam swallowed it. "No."

"Ok, I won't behave. You're the ranking officer."

"No." He let her slip from his arms and scrambled out of the water to his clothes. The swam hissed at him and then coughed. He felt for the ring in his vest and found it missing, then the swam coughed again. He lunged for it and the big white bird zipped into the water. "Stop that swan."

Haley frowned. He finally did something odd. She figured it was inevitable that he's want to get a little kinky but chasing a swan naked on the beach was a little disturbing. "Roy, this just got weird."

"That damned bird ate the wedding ring!"

"Why the hell do you have the wedding ring?"

"Not the point Haley!" he ran back to get his gloves and stop the damned thing. "I'm the best man and that ring is inside of a swan!"

She moved to prevent the bird from swimming into the lake from the small cove until she realized how ridiculous he looked standing naked with just his gloves on. Then she realized what he was intending to do. "Roy! It's illegal to kill a swan! Pretty sure barbequing it isn't going to be a loophole in the law!"

"How the hell do I get the ring?" He asked. "Use some of your ninja skills to catch it."

"My ninja skills?" She said dryly. "Seriously? Years of training in fighting techniques of the world and you sum it up as "ninja skills'? I'm going to start calling you the book club president instead of alchemist, how do you like that?"

"Stop the swan Haley! Why do you suddenly choose NOW to develop standards on what to kill?"

"I don't kill animals. Just people."

"That is not in any way, shape or form the high ground!" He snapped back.

"Well I'm not doing anything to this bird while naked." She sighed. "God it just got weirder."

"Do something!"

"Empty my haversack and throw it to me. I'll see if I can't get it over it's head and bring it back to shore. However _you_ handle it from there. Nude swan wrestling is where I draw the line." She waved her arms to scare the big white bird back to shore while she waited for him.

"Ok." He turned and unceremoniously dumped the contents of her haversack on the ground and checked the outer pockets to make sure he wasn't going to get in more trouble by dumping another prize in the lake. Then he gently tossed the bag to her and watched the swan hiss.

"Get dressed Roy." She ordered. "I'm not letting this bird damage something I have intentions of using this weekend."

"Right." He quickly got into his boxers and slipped on his pants, watching her try to be stealthy in the water and sneak up on the swan. He grabbed his shirt and put it on, buttoning it as he watched her go underwater. He stepped closer to the water and waved menacingly at the swan to get it's attention. Someday he might look back on this and find it funny, but at the moment all he could think about was Gracia's wedding ring making it's way into that bird's intestinal tract.

Haley popped out of the water with the crushed haversack against her chest and opened it to capture the top half of the bird. Lucky for her the animal was already way too tame thanks to living at a vacation spot, however it was only half the battle in catching it. Now the huge bird began to flap, scream and kick. "Roy, Help!"

He ran into the water and tackled the bird. If it drowned...how exactly was that his fault? Sounded like natural selection. "How long can these things stay underwater?"

"Don't drown the damned thing." She glared at him. "I'll get your jacket, we'll wrap it up in that and take it back to the barn where I put my horse. I can't imagine it takes that long for a bird this size to crap out what it ate. All birds do is shit."

"Ok." Yes great. Two of Amestris's most promising young officers and that was the best they could come up with for this scenario.

She got out of the water and picked up his jacket and carried it over to him as he struggled with the flapping panicking swan. Then she turned to go get dressed. "Think you can handle that on your own or do you need an accomplice for your swan kidnapping?"

"How the fuck do we get the ring?"

"Maybe next time you will bring a veterinarian as your date and not a ninja." She toweled off and he carried the 30 lb bird to the shore.

"Sorry, with all my book club meetings I have a hard time dating." He sighed.

She had to laugh as he stood there soaking wet with a wrapped up swan in his arms. "You sure do know how to show a girl a good time."

"Sadly, normal girls don't find this to be a good date."

"Well I'll make sure I remember that for my alter ego." She held up her dress and shook off the sand. "Though I think normal girls might have remembered to hang up the dress somewhere to get out the wrinkles first."

"I'll see you in the barn."

"Ready for another ride so soon stud?"

"Hurry, I don't want to tell Maes I lost his ring alone."

"It's not lost. We know where it is." She said and watched him walk off defeated. "We'll figure out something Roy."

"I just ruined my best friend's wedding." He said and shook his head. "Most important day of his life and I ruined it."

* * *

"Why was the ring unsupervised, Roy?" Maes growled.

Roy cleared his throat and closed his eyes. "I didn't realize swans were pickpockets."

"The wedding is ruined." Maes sank to his knees. "Oh my God, what am I going to tell Gracia!?"

James looked over at the girl next to him. "I can't believe I'm the lowest ranking officer in the room. Do they lobotomize you when you become a Colonel?"

"No they take off the chastity belts." She shrugged.

"And you two are war heroes?" James asked skeptically.

"Just him." She said with a smile. "Just that soaking wet man over there with his best friend crying at his feet."

"Mmm." James scratched his head. "So you two are pretty adventurous. First horse theft now swan kidnapping. What do you have planned for the reception?"

"There won't be one! My wedding is ruined!" Maes wailed. "This wasn't on the schedule!"

"We can just open up the swan." Roy said. "You have a good grasp on edged weapons and anatomy, Haley, you can just surgically remove it."

"I decapitate people Roy." She reminded him. "That isn't an overzealous tracheotomy, it's a basic maneuver for demoralization."

"And it's illegal to kill a swan." James added. "So how long do swans take to digest food?"

"You want to give my wife a ring covered in swan shit!" Maes howled. "What did I ever do to you two?! Why would you ruin the best day of my life!"

"I'll make a ring." Roy said. "With alchemy."

"Now you're thinking with the right head." James said and got a glare of death from the other man.

"Well that's great." Haley said. "Isn't there a rule about not using Alchemy to make gold? Doesn't that apply to anything gold related?"

"Well...not really. I mean I can just alter the shape it's not making or destroying anything." Roy began to calculate what he needed to make this work.

"Where are we going to get gold from?" James asked. "They don't have anything like that in the gift shop."

"Problem will be in that gold jewelry isn't pure, so without knowing the composition of the alloy I'm left to guess and well...that's not going to work." Roy finally began to think straight now that he was aware alchemy was his solution.

Haley took off her necklace. "Use this, it's silver. The chain is silver too. Think it will be enough to make a ring?"

"Only one way to find out." He bent down and squeezed his best friend's shoulder. "I'll fix this. In case the swan doesn't pass the ring, we'll have one for you."

"Uh, about that swan." James looked out the window as the groundskeeper chased the swan away from the barn with a broom. "I think he's appealed to the warden and been granted his freedom."

"Shit!" Roy stood up and went to the window. "Haley..."

"I can't get down there in time Roy, the damned thing is going back out to the lake." She looked as the guests watched the pretty bird find it's mate and waddle back to the water. "Make the ring, get dressed. Everything is going to be alright."

"Gracia is going to hate me!" Maes sobbed.

"I'll go talk to her and explain everything." Haley watched Maes's face lift and him glare at her. Those hazel eyes could really be intimidating when he wanted them to be.

"So you're going to go tell her you were having sex with Roy in the lake and a swan stole her wedding ring?" Maes said with a touch of hostility.

"I was going to be honest, yes. It's the only thing I have going for me." Haley replied and watched him stand up.

"So now I have to compete with _that _on my wedding night?"

"I'm really feeling like we can't win here." Roy whispered.

"I can tell her he asked me to wrestle a swan naked. Would that kill the romance of it?" She asked. "Because it sure did the job for me."

"My Gracia is a good girl, I don't need you embarrassing her!" Maes hollered.

"Well I'm sorry I'm sorry your friends are such whores, but I really don't have any other explanation for why the ring changed other than the truth." Haley shrugged as he started to pace.

"And I'm really the lowest ranking officer here?" James asked again and sighed. "Just make the new ring better. Were the other ones engraved?"

"No." Maes said.

James smiled. "There you go. You felt some store bought ring wasn't good enough for your beloved and you had your best friend make you one. Inscribe it with something."

"That's brilliant!" Maes said.

"I try. Clearly not as flashy and dramatic as other people in the room, but I have my talents." James smiled at Mustang who was still dripping lake water on the carpet.

"Tell her that Haley. Just like that and don't add anything else." Maes said. "Or let them know you're a soldier. Or that you just had a premarital sex with Roy. Or...anything about you."

"Yes Maes, you sure do know how to make a girl feel special." She watched Roy look at the necklace and study it. He looked up at her and gave her a concerned look. She knew he recognized it now. She leaned in close, pretending to give him a kiss on the cheek and whispered. "It's fine Roy, about time I let go. Better to be a symbol of happiness than a reminder of loss."

He watched her leave and closed his hand around the necklace that was a gift from her brother Zane when she graduated the academy. A token of protection. A reminder of her brother and the fact that he was killed in action and she wasn't there to protect him.

"That girl really takes good care of you." James said. "Might want to lay off all the kinky shit, I don't think that's her thing."

Roy composed himself and said. "Get me some paper. Sketch out what you want Maes, think of something you want engraved on it."

* * *

"I think that went well." Haley said. "What ever happened to James? I happen to have a secretary spot I need filled."

Roy shot her a scowl and realized he was being watched by everyone but her. He tried to come up with something that didn't make him sound like a jealous idiot. "Are you taking up the family hobby of abusing your power?"

She looked up at his and scrutinized the weird look on his face. "Wow, just a little hostile about that aren't you?"

"I think I'm going to call a tactical retreat before this conversation goes where I think it's going." Riza stood and smiled to them "I'll be in the study cleaning my gun if you need me."

Maes shook his head wondering if he should do the same thing. These two were hopeless. "James left the military a few years ago. Started his own business and it's doing really well. Has a wife and two kids."

"When are you two going to settle down?" Gracia asked and held her tea cup as Roy rolled his eyes and Haley sighed. "Now don't give me that response when you two ended up on the front page of the newspaper this morning!"

"Yes, which reminds me that I have a train to catch and we have yet to discuss how we're saving the world this time." Haley stood and grabbed her coffee. "I'll be in the study."

"What ever happened to that horse?" Maes asked before she could disappear.

"After what I spent on him? Yeah, I still have him. He's my polo pony and I use him to scout." She smirked. "Kicking yourself for not accepting my gracious wedding present aren't you? Never have to mow the yard again."

"No thanks. Allergies." Maes smiled.

"Your loss, Widowmaker grew up and is actually a pretty good warhorse now." She left them to pick on Roy. His best friend; his headache.

Maes stared at his best friend. "Really? You're going to tell that story with a smile on your face and tell me you're letting her get on a train to go back home today? What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing has changed." Roy informed him. "We can't coexist unless one of us gives up our job. Unfortunately that's not an option."

"What's this I hear about you laughing in public last night?" Maes asked and got a glare in response. "What? I do work intelligence you know!"

"I had a little too much to drink before I got to the party and kept drinking while I listened to her father ramble on about what jobs he could could get me if I'd take his daughter off his hands. I laughed at something she was talking to her brother about. Sorry for being human."

"You really don't understand how weird that is for you do you?" Maes asked. "In front of the Furhur no less, in a room full of Central's high society?"

"A room full of people Haley has known her whole life and talks to with a very disconcerting air of familiarity. Even our Furhur. So yes, I drank a little too much and let her air of indifference and insubordination seduce me. Sorry." Roy knew he hadn't had that much to drink and that he just let himself have a bit more fun than he intended.

"You drank too much at a party you invited yourself to so you could rub elbows with the important people in our government to get yourself promoted faster?" Maes rolled his eyes. "I hope you did a better job of lying to them than me."

"Sorry my date was a bad influence." He said dryly. "Clearly I haven't learned my lesson from the ring fiasco. What the hell Maes? I wasn't expecting the inquisition."

"Nobody expects the inquisition." Maes said and let his glasses slide down his nose for dramatic effect. "Nobody."

* * *

AN: Yeah, got to love Monty Python. :) Reviews appreciated. Next 6 chapters already written so they will be posted quickly.


	5. The Battle Plan

_Dogs of the Military_

Chapter 5

**The Battle Plan**

* * *

Haley retreated to the study where Hawkeye was already cleaning her gun. "Riza, mind if I ask you something that's none of my business?"

Riza looked up at her and smiled. "Now you ask permission Colonel? That's a first."

"I respect you too much to be my crass and uninhibited self."

"So this must be about Colonel Mustang." Riza raised an eyebrow as the other woman unceremoniously plopped down in the seat on the other side of the desk. She had brief encounters with her during Ishval and she really wouldn't consider them more than just acquaintances. It was nothing against her, it's just that they never had the opportunity until now to really do more than talk in passing, linked by a common friend who they both worried about way too much.

"Can we drop the formalities? I don't want to feel like I'm filing a psych eval."

"I was friends with him long before you," Riza continued to disassemble her firearm. It amused her that everyone thought she followed Roy out of some intense love for him that could never come to fruition. They had their time together as teenagers when he was studying with her father and she cherished those memories but didn't dwell on them. They were both different people now. "And I didn't make a move then."

"Things change." Haley said and watched her carefully place the gun pieces on a felt mat. "Why not?"

"Why not...what?"

"Why not him? You dedicate your life to watching the man's back and yet don't think it can progress past that?"

Riza shrugged. "Why not you?"

"I asked first."

"He's my superior officer and I want to keep it that way. " Riza took out her cleaning kit and went through the motions without having to think about it. "We have a mission to put him in power and that is first and foremost."

"You're tactfully avoiding my questions." Haley sighed. So much for tact. "So answer me this, will you ever be more than superior and subordinate or friends?"

"No." She said quickly. "That's your job."

"My job is to worry about a man who seems to be rotting from the inside from guilt and I have seen too many men destroyed by that. Guilt leads to a complete disregard for your well being. It's a downward spiral I'm trying to get in front of."

"Because you love him."

Haley rubbed her temples. It seemed to be like talking in circles around here. "I love all my friends as family. That shouldn't be a surprise. I'm protective and I'm worried about Roy. Not just because he's getting himself into a dangerous world of secrets and conspiracies. I'm worried about _him_. Shallow relationships, nightmares...something I can see from the look on your face that you know about."

"Maybe you should tell him this?"

"I try and he gets defensive. He's a stubborn idiot and arguing with him makes me just want to start hitting him. No, I want to know why the hell you haven't made your move? Really woman, are you blind?"

"Perhaps being a higher ranking officer you forget that your transgressions are part of your entitlement and more acceptable than perhaps someone of my rank. I believe in Roy, I believe in his cause. I think what you're seeing is a different kind of devotion, perhaps because your eyes only see him as the man you let get away." Riza smiled and placed light drops of oil in all the important places on her gun before going to reassemble it.

"For good reason." She said. "You saw the effects of his alchemy and saw what?"

"My failings. I was trusted with that knowledge and let it be used for evil." Riza looked up and saw a sadness she wasn't anticipating in the other woman's eyes.

"I saw the most amazing display of warfare I had ever imagined." She shook her head. "Something he saw in my face when he came back smelling of charred flesh and smoke. I liked what I saw. Despite the fact that I am often lax with protocol these days, I am a very much a professional soldier who thrives on the art of war. It's black and white to me, friend or foe. So there is no place for the gray area that so many good people like to dwell in. Roy left Ishval with a purpose, to be a better Furhur than the one who just slaughtered tens of thousands of his own people. I am one of those people who senselessly slaughtered those masses without regret. I am part of the family who helped corrupt this country. Hardly the best fit. "

"So you end up in a frontier fort as far away from Roy as possible." Riza sighed. "That's cowardice."

"It's penance." She said and put her coffee down. "So we're back to the original question. How long is it going to take you to make your move?"

"I had my chance and let him leave to go to the academy where he found you." She said softly and put her gun away to fold the newspaper back up and push the top news story over to her. She pointed to the picture from last night and tapped her finger on it. "So I have to ask you why this whole country is in love with the thought of you beside him and you're not."

"I'm where I belong." Haley said and looked away from the paper and into her coffee. "Where I can be happy killing Cretians and not lose any sleep over it."

Roy walked in to the room with his hands in his pockets and noticed the tension. "What are you two talking about?"

"You." Haley said bluntly.

"Ah." He was ready to get down to business, Maes had already irritated him enough and he wasn't in the mood to discuss his personal life anymore.

"I think you're an idiot who is ignoring the beautiful blond right under your nose. I know you want to be Furhur, Roy, however when it takes a lifetime are you going to look back and regret the life you never lived." Haley looked up at him and saw the anger starting to brew. Maes had him so worked up already now he was about to boil over. Awesome.

"No sooner is our date over than you're trying to set me up with someone else." Roy said, tired of the dance she always did to avoid being attached to him. It inevitable ended with her shoving a more appealing woman at him before she ran away.

"Price you pay for using me to get into Central this weekend." She shrugged.

"Funny thing is if I really wanted to get into Central that bad, you'd be the best choice for the perfect political marriage." He said and watched her reaction to the word marriage. Why should be be the only one aggravated here, she was fair game as well.

"You must have had some great conversations with my Father last night." She sighed. "What did he offer you?"

"You." He said and sat on the arm of the couch. "A house. A promotion. Your trust fund."

"Wow. How lazy can you get Roy? Not even going to work for your promotion?" Haley snorted.

He smirked. "So let's talk about how I get my way into Central then."

"Save the world by shutting down these government sanctioned alchemy experiments and take credit for it. Poof, promotion. Poof, relocation. Poof, popularity polls through the roof." She sat back and looked at her empty cup. "Which is what you already know of we wouldn't be snooping around HQ in formal attire at 3am."

"Maybe I should have realized your lack of ambition back in Ishval and taken credit for your accomplishments instead of letting your bother do that. Maybe then I'd be sitting behind his desk and waiting in line for the Furhur's job." He watched her smile back and not react to that. Well fine, it was time to pull out the heavy artillery and insult her work ethic. "When are you going to stop avoiding promotion and get the hell out of the wilderness and into Pendleton where they need you?"

"I don't like the city."

"You like your job which is why I wonder why you can pretend to be so bad at it." He retorted and caught Riza's questioning glance.

"I'll make you a deal. You get transferred to West City and I promise I'll go take care of the problem in Pendleton and let you take the credit." She winked back.

"Haley, you support me so by getting you motivated enough to get off your ass and go save the border town I can say it's my achievement no matter who you report to." Roy watched her shrug nonchalantly.

"Then we're back to me proving I'm capable of something and in danger of being used again." She rolled up the newspaper and threw it at him for trying to insult her and get fired up. "I've had enough of the spotlight. You tell people whatever you want, I'm going home tonight."

"Did you just call her lazy?" Maes entered his study and closed the door. "Talk about a role reversal."

"He wants me to take over West City so he can have someone else in his pocket." Haley informed him.

"That would be helpful." Maes smiled at her. "You're more than capable of it."

"Thanks, but no thanks."

"What happened to you Haley?" Maes asked. "After graduation the only thing you wanted was your career."

"I still do. I think I did pretty well for myself." She said. "I'm right where I want to be. Decent rank to avoid being plinked around like a pawn too much, veteran staff and command and a perfect little fort where we see enough action to stop me from getting bored. Oh and the distance from Central is a huge bonus."

"Well I'm making my move for Furhur so I'd appreciate if you can be a little more ambitious at some point. I need military strength and the troops at Eastern HQ are Grumann's men." Roy reminded her.

"I'll back you, you question that?"

"No, I just would like to have more than a regiment that is a day and a half a day from anything." He shrugged. "I might as well start my own militia."

"Oh, so after one date I'm supposed to steal and lead your army for you?" Haley cocked an eyebrow and his smirk told her 'yes'.

"So lets talk about these tunnels in Central." Maes rolled out the map. "Shall we?"

"No, let's settle this Pendleton issue once and for all." She put her coffee mug down and stood up to walk over and look Roy in the eye as he smiled at her for taking the bait. She didn't care. Clearly he intended to keep badgering her until she snapped at him and it was best to get it over with. "Don't call me lazy or inept, Mustang, I know what I'm doing. West City is an embarrassment plagued by ineptitude and complacency. The only unprotected front we have that is constantly under attack and we staff our least capable officers there. It's not bad luck, it's protocol. Anyone who shows promise and gets things under control is shipped out elsewhere. Pendleton is an inviting place to attack and I wish to keep it that way instead of opening up our entire border to possible hostilities. I pay attention, I make sure there is nothing more than skirmishes. I raid Cretian supplies and smash their reinforcements but I never press them. Why? Because if I do I have to either go rogue and ignore West HQ or relieve them of their command. Their ineptitude is just mind boggling. If I do that, I'll be shipped out in a week and nobody will be there to watch over things. I have a regiment that is no more than a battalion in numbers. Why? Because I did go in and support them and they used me as a decoy while their guerrilla units botched an ambush. So before you call me lazy or inept, know this: I do protect the border as best I can from ourselves. The numbers behind those walls in Western Command is staggering, however I got bled dry and given no reinforcements or support when I went to help them. You want me to march in and fix this, then you better not be attached to me at all because I will take over and heads will roll right before I roll those tanks across the border and level Cretia. Careful what you wish for Roy and don't you dare tell me how to do my job."

He smiled back at her happy with the tirade. "You have my apologies, Colonel."

"They're preparing for a war Roy. They're waiting for the right time and they're going to start a damned war with Cretia. Ishval was the testing grounds, a trial run. They're sitting on their asses inside their heavily armed fort waiting for a reason to strike. As long as I don't cause too many problems, I'm left to do as I please so I can't raise hell over their policy. "

"I know."

"Why not wait for that?" She said. "My family backed the Ishval war so they could get Sam promoted. You'd come out of a Cretian War a Major General. So why not wait?"

"I'm trying to prevent another war." He responded and watched her shake her head.

"Like this?" She asked and grabbed the newspaper from him. "This is how you want to advance? Kissing ass and looking pretty? For shit's sake Roy, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm trying to prevent a war." He repeated and took the newspaper and looked at their picture for what seemed to be the hundredth time this morning.. "It was time to remind people I still existed. Remind them of how much they liked the notion of us working together."

"I like it too." She said. "We'd be unstoppable and you know it. Which is why you better tread carefully because when they finally look West to see what hell they can unleash, you're going to be the first one they call."

"Try not to sound so excited." He said disappointed.

"I know, sounds like a conversation we've had before doesn't it? Maybe at the end of the last war?" She shook her head. "There you go ladies and gentlemen, the answer to "What happened to you two?". Question of the decade, and it comes down to the simple fact that you see the enemy as human and I don't. Cretia, who's national past time is killing each other. Even they are worthy of your empathy."

"You've made your point Haley." He threw the paper down on the couch. "You need to work for me."

"You need your head examined." She searched his eyes for what he was thinking and found nothing but his sincerity staring back at her. "Or some sense smacked into you."

"You'd never jeopardize my career even if you think you're damned. So work for me and act accordingly." He remained straight faced as she scrutinized him.

"You're serious." She was surprised when she saw his soft eyes and subtle nod.

"Part of why I want to be Furhur is so I can stop these schemes to prolong or instigate conflict just for the sake of rationalizing a huge military force that keeps our Furhur in power not deters our enemies from attacking. So, to be that person that is going to lead this country into that future, I have to inspire those who work for me to do what is right. If I can't help_ you_ do that, how can I expect anyone else to do it for me?"

She shook her head. "Don't do this Roy."

"I made it very clear to those gentleman last night that I had a great deal of influence over you. So from here on out, even if you don't report to me, your actions will irrevocably be tied to me."

"You asshole." She snapped.

"It didn't take much convincing. You showed up on my arm and got me in to a very closed list gala with just a phone call." He shrugged. "It's already done. So surprise them, would you? I'm counting on you to quiet things down out West and pave my way into Central."

He said it so softly that she couldn't react to him. It was apologetic not condescending and she saw in his eyes he was pleading with her to not fight him on this. To rise to the occasion and be a better person. "No wonder you're not married, you are the worst date I have ever had."

He snapped out of whatever negotiating mood he was in and smiled at her. "Let's talk about these Chimera then. I have to make sure you don't outshine me too much."

"The floor is yours, your excellency." She bowed her head and retreated to her chair to sit back and watch as they plotted to undermine the governments secret experiments.

Maes shook his head. "Yeah, still wondering what the hell happened to you two."

"For the record Colonel Whitman, " Hawkeye looked at the other woman's curious face. "Nothing I can do can come close to matching that."

"I want to shoot him, you really want to remind me of that?" Haley asked and grudgingly leaned forward to look at the map of Central command. She tried to calm down and focus, annoyed she started to lose her temper over something so simple as a friendly discussion

"What exactly were you two talking about?' Roy asked.

"Shut up and start your war council. We have trains to catch in a few hours." Haley rested her elbow on the desk and looked at the map Maes had.

"What do you know about the railroad?" Maes asked her and then saw her smirk telling him he'd best clarify that question before she gave him a smart ass reply. "Specifically the lines out of Central Station that could be tied in with the subway lines. Your family owns these lines, right?"

"Yes." Haley leaned forward and pointed to the lines highlighted as part of Central Railway. " They own the commuter lines and freight lines. They lease the strictly military routes to the government, but the military uses it's own trains, tracks and maintains them. They own just about everything in Central, the outlining junctions and less traveled lines are privately owned."

"I looked into that," Maes said. "Who owns Amestris Railway? It looks like a shell corporation, I can't track it to anybody."

She chuckled. "I do."

"What?" Maes said and they all looked at her sly smile.

"I do." Haley repeated. "I am controlling shareholder of Amestris Railway. Zane and I started buying up all the lines that Central Rail didn't control back when we were kids and formed our own company. We used our dividends from our stock in that railway to build our own company and attempt to provide an alternative for transport to passenger and cargo trains since Central lines were almost bankrupting people. We really wanted to stick it to Grandpa, so we tried to get some of the government contracts but ended up getting rejected despite the low bids. Bastard had too many people in his pocket so we couldn't make a dent in his profits, but we still ended up with a neat little business anyhow. When Zane died he left me everything. Guess I should have tried to buy the lines to Hopewell Springs, those idiots couldn't adhere to a schedule if it was glued to their ass."

"You own a railroad?" Roy narrowed his eyes at her and watched her smile.

"Actually Zane owned most of it, you know boys and trains. However with him gone it all became mine. I invested his money in things he would have enjoyed, some of the rail lines lose money but they reach parts of the country that really would be worse off if they didn't have some kind of transport for their products. So I charge the government more to cover that and break even. It's what he would have wanted. " She shrugged. "I also have his stock and mine in Central Railway, I think that comes to about 20% of the shares. Why? You need a train for something?"

"How the hell did I never know this?" Roy asked.

"Roy, our dates are boring enough with the HR mandated material and blueprints, last thing I want to discuss is my investment portfolio." She shrugged. "So why does it matter? You want to sniff around Central Station? I wouldn't recommend it, it's got pretty heavy private security thanks to the sensitive military transport contracts and the fact that private cars of people like the Furhur are kept in the Roundhouse."

"What else aren't you telling me?" Roy asked.

"Why would I tell you any of this?" She asked. "I told you I would support you and I do it in more ways than you know. When you become Furhur you'll be at the mercy of the Whitman held railroad in order to run your government, I'm trying to provide you with an alternative so you can't be manipulated by them. When the time comes, I have land purchased and money set aside to build a new track into Central through the south side that's primarily abandoned and slums. Central Station will be a tourist attraction and my father won't have anything he can hold over you."

Roy's mouth was open and all he could do was stare at her.

"I didn't buy the damned thing for you, I already owned it before I ever met you and all I have done is made some extra purchases along the way to assist you when the time came. My family is part of the reason this country is so corrupt, it's the least I can do to try and help you fix what they have done. A coup de'tat is just the beginning, if you do not have the support to back your new regime than you will fall prey to those who know all too well how to ruin people with good intentions."

"Yes." Riza shook her head. "Nothing I can do can come close to matching that."

"It's only money. I had more of it than I wanted before Zane left me everything he had. I barely use my salary either. What the hell, might as well do something noble to make up for what I destroy. " Haley wondered if he was still breathing as he just kept staring at her in disbelief. "Even better is the military does use my railways to transport materials so if you ever need to see manifests you can check out my warehouse. They can't lie about weights or the train might be overburdened, unable to stop or put bridges in jeopardy. My people check cargo. Can't lie about pick ups or destinations. If they use Amestris Railways to ship, I can find out what is being transport."

Maes cleared his throat. "So, you don't know anything about Subway access?"

"I might own stock, but it doesn't mean I get to walk around the place like I own it. Tight security and quite honestly I never really cared enough to look. I usually just want to get the hell out of town when I'm at the station. " She sighed. "What do you want me to find out? I have to go there today anyhow."

Maes shook his head. "That answered my questions. I thought we'd might be missing a easier way to get into the tunnels but is seems you'll have to go with your route from last night."

"Uh huh." Roy responded.

"About the Chimera." Maes slapped Roy on the head with his newspaper and watched him jump. "Colonel Mustang, would you like to participate in this war council or not?"

"Yeah, the Chimera." He cleared his throat. "There seem to be different degrees of monsters and they are regionally specific to each lab. They're nothing like I saw from Shou Tucker when he bonded his daughter to the family dog. They're functional...not...mortifying. They're also more focused on destruction."

"Are they escaping or being released?" Haley asked.

"Released." Riza said. "We've seen them in waves, too many different types of animals are being used so they don't run in packs. It seems like they just want to open the floodgates and let us take care of destroying the rejects."

"The scientific method right?" Maes added. "Experiment then analysis."

"So are these animals and animals or animals and people?" Haley asked.

"Both." Roy responded. "Depends on the location."

"So who else is involved in this besides us?" Haley asked.

"The Elrics are also keeping an eye on things." Roy said.

"Really Roy? Sending your adopted kids out to play with rabid animals?" Haley snorted.

"They're capable." He said. "Nobody suspects them either. Right now were are gathering information, that's it. We can't do any more than engange the enemy when attacked, anything more will indicate we're actively investigating. So if you hear anything, let me know."

"Well on that note, I'm going to pack and get ready to go home." Haley stood and shook her head.

* * *

Haley looked up from packing the maps as Gracia entered the study. "I wanted to thank you for your hospitality."

"I wanted to thank you for my ring. I had no idea what you sacrificed until this morning. Thank you."

"I'm glad Zane's gift could bring happiness again and that it's a symbol of love instead of death."

"You loved your little brother a lot."

"Yes." She said and watched Gracia turn the ring on her finger. "I should have been able to save him."

"Maes looks at Roy like a brother, so when he pesters him about settling down...he does it because he wants to see him happy." She pointed to the newspaper and smiled. "I've never seen him that happy. Maes said you even had him laughing in public."

"Well...apparently he seems to think being my secretary is humorous."

"You have the ability to make Roy happy. He's a different person with you around. I hope you can see that. I wish you could see how you both looked telling that story this morning. I wish you could see how he looks at you."

Haley felt a lump in her throat and for once really didn't know what to say. She wasn't expecting this out of the woman.

"So keep that picture and look at his smile and remember you do that to him." Gracia smiled. "I hope we'll be seeing more of you."

"Actually I'm off to go start a war." Haley watched her put the newspaper in her pile of papers. "So...don't really think I'll be back unless it's for my court-martial."


	6. The War

_Dogs of the Military_

Chapter 6

**The War**

* * *

_Ishval War 1908_

"Well this is a fun little side trip." Kimblee sighed as he looked out the window in the back seat of the military vehicle. He looked forward as finally something materialized in the form of a camp ahead. He leaned forward between the seats and looked at Whitman's face and added, "I hope your boyfriend appreciates you rerouting your battalion to give him a sponge bath."

"You could have taken your personal protection squad and continued on your way." She reminded him as McClellan drove towards the tent with the most flags designating HQ in this tiny camp. She turned her head to look at his face and asked "So fanboy, who is offering the sponge bath?"

"Fanboy." He laughed. "I'm surprised Mustang lasted this long on the frontlines without a mental breakdown. God Haley, he's a mess. Why the hell are you messing with a hypocrite like him? Especially _you._"

"Want him all for yourself?" She wanted to elbow him in his stupid mouth then and climb in the back seat and strangle him for the comments. However she refused to take the bait and looked ahead as whoever was in charge came out to meet them.

McClellan stopped the car and a baby faced officer looked at them as if they were here to rescue him. Great. Another one fresh out of the academy. "This one looks like he hasn't even reached puberty yet."

Kimblee snorted as he leaned farther forward to take a look at the officer standing in front of his tent expecting to greet some special guests. "Best to keep your distance, this one might not even be weaned yet. He might try to latch on and nurse."

Haley sighed and opened the car door as McClellan muffled his laugh. She stepped around the front of the car as she heard Kimblee open his door. She looked at the insignia on his shoulder as he snapped a salute. "Captain, I'm Major Whitman. I'm looking for a state alchemist named Roy Mustang."

The Captain saluted smartly as another Major emerged and leaned against the hood of the car. "Captain Harvey Tran, ma'am...er... Major, the flame alchemist is in his tent preparing for today's attack."

"Today's attack?" Kimblee perked up. "Do tell!"

Haley shot him a glare. "My troops will be here within the hour, don't go jumping into someone else's fight!"

"Trust me, Mustang won't mind. I might even be in store for that sponge bath if I beat him to it."

"Can you have someone show me to Major Mustang's tent, please?" Haley asked the Captain who seemed a bit too happy to see a higher ranking officer, or two.

"Captain Hughes!" Tran hollered. "A visitor!"

Haley turned to look, dismissing the possibility that it was the same Hughes that was Roy's best friend. Nope. There was no mistaking those hazel eyes and glasses. "I'll be damned."

"That's a given." Kimblee snorted and went over to the now ignored Captain. "So tell me more about your agenda for the day, Captain."

"One damned hour Kimblee!" Haley turned back to him and hollered as Hughes reached them.

"Is that really you Haley?" Hughes trotted over, his enthusiasm startling the already startled Captain Tran. "I mean, Major Whitman?"

"It's been a while Maes." Haley smiled at him and decided to ignore the fact that Kimblee ducked into the tent and drug the Captain with him. "I heard about Roy, is he Ok?"

Hughes raised his eyebrows. "You came all this way..."

"I was in the vicinity and we're on our way back to the main army. My orders were vague, so I thought I'd make sure no assistance was needed." Haley could see he didn't buy that line of shit even if she had every intention of writing that excuse in her reports.

Hughes grabbed her arm and started dragging her towards Roy's tent. "You couldn't have arrived at a better time. Haley, he's worrying me. I have to drag him out of his tent to go to work. He's getting bitter and questioning orders, hell this morning he questioned me!"

"He was shot, it sometimes leaves people shaken."

"His pocket watch took the bullet." He informed her. "He's shaken, but it's not because of that. His fire attacks are destructive and cruel, it's taking it's toll. Talk to him, please. I'm afraid that he's just going to refuse orders one day. That day might be today."

"What?" She slammed into him as he stopped and lowered his voice.

"Haley, he's going to either kill himself or get executed. I almost strangled him this morning. He'll listen to you."

She felt him shove her towards the tent and tried to prepare herself for a reunion she had hoped would be under better circumstances. She cautiously pushed back the tent flap and ducked inside, trying to let her eyes adjust to the darkness.

"I'm not going Maes, just fucking shoot me."

Haley raised her eyebrows as the voice came from a figure squatting beside a camp desk in the corner. A familiar voice, though sad and worn down. Downright pitiful was more like it. "Roy?"

He looked up as the voice seemed out of place. Great now he was hallucinating!

She stepped closer to the hunched man and squatted down in front of him, then she reached forward and pushed the hood off his head. His eyes lifted to hers and she saw glistening dark eyes and a reflected flame from the lantern on the desk. "Roy, say something."

"Haley?"

She ran her hand down his cheek and smiled. "I heard you got shot, I came to make sure you were alright. What's going on Roy?"

"I'm a coward Haley." He whispered and closed his eyes. "I can't kill these people anymore. Exterminating our own citizens. I can't do it any more."

"Moral outrage and cowardice are two entirely different things." She knelt down in front of him. "Talk to me, tell me what happened."

"I'm a hypocrite. The man who shot me, was a classmate I once defended. He was right to shoot me, for having no standards. For going against what I believe in, destroying these people with the alchemy I learned to help the people."

She was about to say something and then the ground shook. She jumped to her feet. "God dammit Kimblee!"

"Kimblee?" He asked.

"Son of a bitch." She heard a explosion and ground her teeth. "He's going to be lucky if I don't leave his body under the rubble today!"

Roy stood and was surprised when she leaned forward and kissed him. He blinked at her as she held his face in her hands and offered him an apologetic smile.

"I have to go after him. He's got no support and unfortunately he's my responsibility. So, please don't quit your job or anything before you talk to me again? Ok? Promise me that?"

"Yeah." He was surprised to hear himself add, "I'll come with you. It's my job he's doing, I best get out there and do it."

She nodded and he pulled her back for another kiss.

"I wanted to be worthy of you."

"Let's make it to the end of the day before you start worrying about who isn't worthy of who." She said .

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kimblee took off his tunic and threw it on the empty chair, enjoying the freedom from the stifling heat of the wool uniform. He sat down and propped his feet up on the table and looked up at the canvas roof of the tent fly. "Glad we came."

"Fuck you." Haley snapped and glared at him as he lounged there in his wifebeater degrading any shred of respect she could muster for him as a superior officer. The seniority thing was a bitch, damned near everyone could pull rank on her even damned Alchemists who missed most of the war.

Roy sat quietly to her left. He knew most of the State Alchemists were attached to a unit, though most operated semi-independently with a squad of their own men. Captain Tran never expected him to do anything but whatever orders were from above. Hughes was an intelligence agent and did have men to command, but wasn't considered a fighting force. Haley however appeared to have different orders and Kimblee seemed to have a little more say in daily operations than he did. Then again, he was hiding in his tent when he wasn't required to be killing people. He looked up as the young and somewhat hesitant Captain reappeared, thrilled to have someone else who he could shuffle his burden on to.

"Major, we have two cowards that need to be dealt with. "

Haley looked up from the map at Captain Tran. "Your men?"

Tran nodded. He hoped that she wouldn't berate him in front of the alchemists about taking care of his own problems.

Haley already knew the answer, she had weeded out the cowards and shirkers ages ago and hasn't seen reinforcements in months. This kid however had new recruits and little respect. "Tell them they have half an hour to write a letter to their families explaining their cowardice and pack their personal effects to go with it. Anything they don't want sent home they have the opportunity to destroy or give away. Put together a burial detail. Ask them if they want blindfolds, cigarettes, a last drink or a preacher."

He nodded again, thankful that she seemed content to just take command of everything. "How do I select men. For the...uh..."

"Leave the execution to me."

"Yes sir."

Roy looked at her, knowing that there was a reason that seemed like a practiced speech. He wanted to go back to his tent a curl up in a heap and try to drink away the smell of flesh clinging to his nasal passages but he couldn't today. His ex girlfriend had come to his rescue and deserved some support. Even if it sickened him that he outranked her. He sighed. Damned near everything was wrong in this world.

Kimblee tapped his fingers on the table as he watched Mustang silently debate something. Perhaps it was time to poke the fire and see what flared up. "We'll this just keeps getting more and more interesting."

She watched his flip open his watch. "Now you remember how to use that thing?"

He ignored her and smiled at Mustang. "Forgot your watch is broken. Ill make sure you don't miss this."

"Why the hell would I want to watch a firing squad?" Roy glared at him. "What are you implying?"

"Ask me again in half an hour." Kimblee looked back to Haley. "Nice of you to make that kid feel like he's in charge."

"It's called developing officers, you might want to try it sometime." Haley went back to writing the after action report and ignored his attempt to draw her in on the conversation.

"Oh, so are we going to pretend your not going to absorb his company into your battalion?"

"Are we going to pretend your not a psychopath?" She glared at him and said. "Or that you've stopped wearing clothes?"

"It's hot." He replied.

"You're not, so please put a fucking shirt on." Haley rubbed her temple.

"Speaking of hot..." Kimblee smirked as Mustang continued to just stare at him with those sad little eyes and sunken shoulders. He remembered him from the initial training camp when they first arrived in Ishval. They had been tent mates then and he recalled the same look after their first mission. Apparently he had been right in assuming the man wasn't going to get any better. "So Roy, nice display out there. I'm impressed."

"Am I supposed to return the compliment?" He narrowed his eyes at him as Haley continued to review casualty reports and scratch out notes before diligently working on her required paperwork. Probably needing to make sure it was all perfect so she could avoid being accused of let her feelings interfere with her job; her feelings for him when he sat here wanting to crawl under the table and drink himself into a stupor. He snapped out of his depression and decided to not be such an embarrassment. "Well I won't. I find it disturbing and appalling that you would implode a church during worship and crush the people with the walls of that sanctuary."

"They were going to meet their God soon enough, might as well have been on their knees talking with him already.". He shrugged. "Better than being burned alive."

Roy ground his teeth.

"I'd honestly like to know why I'm taking casualties when the two of you have blown up or burnt down damned near everything in that town." She shoved the casualty report into the middle of the table. "Oh and Kimblee, my men are still having to put people out of their misery from that church incident. Don't go chalking that up as a win."

"Oh, and they're not having to humanely destroy burn victims then?"

"Missing the point, asshole." She growled. "I'm sick of cleaning up after you."

"Then don't." He countered. "That's not part of your job description. Eliminate Ishvalians, those are our orders. Not spare them their suffering when they aren't killed instantly."

"When they get up and start shooting back at us from the rubble, yeah I do have the finish the job for you." She made some more notes and looked over her shoulder at Lt. Grimsley to come get them.

"Good thing I don't answer to you then." He reminded her.

"We're packing up tomorrow and moving out to rejoin the main force. Hopefully you can find yourself a new babysitter once you get back to your superiors." Haley replied dryly.

"Major, the men say their ready now." Tran returned.

"Their choice." She gathered her paperwork and set it under a rock to make sure it wouldn't blow away. She looked up and saw the burial detail. "Alright, lets get this over with."

"Lead the way Captain." Kimblee smiled and stood. "Coming Major Flame?"

"I'll accidentally discharge my weapon at your head Kimblee if you keep this up." Haley turned and hissed at him and tried to avoid looking at Roy.

"I think your boyfriend needs to see who really has the balls in this relationship." Kimblee winked at her.

Roy watched her spin on her heels and Kimblee flash him a smile. He wasn't going to ignore the invite, he already was feeling like half a man and the other alchemist wasn't going to ease up on that. He followed the small group of officers as the Captain lead them to the outskirts of camp. Two men stood in front of them hands bound. One was beside them as a sentry and no other soldiers were nearby other than some men milling about pretending not to watch. He didn't see firing squad.

Haley removed her pistol from its holster and worked the slide to chamber a round. "You two are being charged with cowardice in the face of the enemy, anything to say about that?"

"No Major." answered the youngest.

Soft sobs came from the other man.

"Then you are both found guilty of violating section 217 of the Amestris military code of conduct and the punishment is death." Haley looked at them. "Do you refuse blindfolds?"

"No."

Without having to be told the gravediggers stepped forward to place makeshift blindfolds on their comrades. She took a step back and waited for them to clear before raising her firearm and shooting them both. One body crumpled the other fell backwards. She heard the Captain gasp and turned to look at him. "I won't place this burden on the men I command, they are already asked to do way too much in service of their country. I cannot ask them to execute their brothers in arms. Captain, I am taking your command and adding to to my battalion. If you can not follow me and work for me knowing how I expect my officers to act than we will arrange for you to find a different command when we rejoin the main army in three days. Bury your men, sir."

Roy's looked at her as she turned around. He hoped that it wouldn't be him one day in front of her getting that speech. He couldn't fault her for what had to be done, even if her eyes apologized for making her see how she worked. He never doubted her strength. Under any other circumstance he would have been happy to tell her how proud he was of the officer she had become, however all he could do was think about the waste of two more lives.

* * *

"Did I show you the picture of my beautiful Gracia?"

Haley almost fell over backwards as a picture was shoved in her face and Hughes bounced around like a happy puppy. She leaned back and pushed his arm away so she could actually focus on the picture. "She's a beautiful girl, Maes."

"I'm going to ask her to marry me when I get home!"

Kimblee rolled his eyes and doodled in the sand. "What about you Mustang, you got a picture of a girl in your wallet?"

Roy felt the stares as he looked up and everyone at the campfire was holding their breathe. "Nothing I'm planning on sharing."

"Really?" Kimblee looked over at Haley. "That risque?"

"Yes, and if you promise to get transferred you can have a wallet sized nude photos as well." She winked at him as he chuckled.

"You'll have to clarify who these pictures will be of, since last time I agreed to that I ended up with a photo of a hairy geriatric pervert touching his nipples and blowing a kiss."

She smiled as she thought of McClellan's picture and the look on Kimblee's face. "Learned your lesson though."

Sgt. McClellan added. "Bonus is I can brag about a girl a third my age paying me to pose for nude photos. Bet none of you boys can say that, can you?"

Haley stood and stretched. "I need coffee, anyone else want something before the storytelling begins?"

"I could use something to throw at that old bastard if he starts mewling like a cat in heat again." Kimblee jumped up and followed Haley to the next campfire where coffee was still brewing.

"Why am I not surprised you don't know what an orgasm sounds like, Kimblee?" McClellan shouted.

Kimblee ignored the old idiot knowing he was protected. "We need to talk about sleeping arrangements."

Haley sighed. "What now Solf?"

"I actually want to sleep and I can't because Mustang is sobbing when he finally comes to bed and then wakes me up all night long with nightmares. You take him."

She frowned. "Yeah, we can do that."

"He's cracking Haley."

"Let me worry about him. You worry about convincing Captain Tran he wants to demand a transfer."

"I figured he already had the paperwork filled out."

"I don't think he knows how to do it. Just tell him how to go and say he can't fight for a woman. He needs to sell it instead of looking like he's scared of me. "

"I can do that." He smiled. "So are you looking for that promotion so I can't have seniority over you anymore?"

"Looking for my reinforcements since ill never see any. War is coming to a close, we deal with what we have from here on out." Haley rubbed her neck and sipped the coffee.

"And what about Mustang?"

"Just because he has a conscious doesn't make him weak."

"This is why you left him, isn't it?" Kimblee asked.

"Kinda a weird question right after you demand I sleep with him tonight." Haley looked up at his scrutinizing eyes.

"Just wondering who was trying to change who."

"War changed us." She stood and looked him in the eye. "Any other questions or demands?"

"How did you like his performance?"

"He always left me smiling."

"Not what I was talking about."

"You should know better than to be vague with statements around me." She shrugged and walked back over to the campfire where McClellan was preparing to read "The Fisherman's wife"

McClellan cleared his throat and found his pitchy woman's voice to begin the tale of a young girl and her first experience with a tentacle monster.

Roy looked up as Haley came over and sat down beside him. Maes was already laughing as McClellan's storytelling and voice acting made the situation far less awkward. "So this is what you do at night? Listen to some old guy read you porn?"

"It would only be wrong if I read it." She nudged him with her elbow. "Want to stay with me tonight?"

"So this is a really good selection then?" He asked with a slight smile.

"I really miss you." She admitted and he reached over on the log and grabbed her hand where nobody could see it.

McClellan threw a rock at his commander. "Haley, if you're not going to pay attention then go somewhere else!"

"Dan, I've heard this three dozen times." She snorted.

"I have a new captive audience and they have not heard how much this young lady enjoys tentacles probing her orifices, so you're excused!"

She laughed. "Enjoy gentleman. Don't be surprised when the coyotes howl when he fakes his orgasm."

"GIT!" McClellan cleared his throat and went back to his story to try and draw his audience's attention away from his commander and her ex-boyfriend sneaking off into the dark.

"So that's the famous McClellan." Roy shook his head. "I really hoped you had been exaggerating when you described him in your letters."

She smiled. "Yeah, he's quite unique."

"So, those letters you sent me...inspired by these nightly campfire sessions?" He asked as several were borderline erotic novels.

"Just cause I'm a girl, doesn't mean I don't get lonely."

"I missed you too Haley."

"So where do we stand now, after you've seen me execute men? " She couldn't drum up an ounce of pity for the people they were exterminating out here, but she worried that he would find that lack of humanity appalling. Clearly she had fucked standards.

"Really, you still think I question your stability?" He asked. "You found me cowering in my tent, watched me melt people..."

"My purpose has always been clear to me. To kill. Efficiently and maintain a force capable of doing so. You never expected to have to use your art on people, Roy. Never did you expect this. Even I didn't think this was coming." She hated that he was here. His purpose in life was never to be a weapon of war, that was teh job she had accepted to protect people like Zane and Roy. To do the dirty work so people she cared for could not lose sleep at night.

He let her pull him into her tent and he looked around to see it simple for the rest stop on the night march. A cot, a lantern and a small box she was using for both desk and file cabinet. "I expected you to be a great officer, in two days I've seen you handle Kimblee and me, hold that Captain's hand and your men's dedication to you is evident. I know if you were a man you'd already be a Colonel."

"Shh...don't tell my brother that." She unbuttoned her tunic and threw it on the chair happy to shed the wool layer. She turned to him and saw that lost look, a look of a man who hated himself and had no idea what he stood for anymore. She walked over to him and took his face in her hands. "Your alchemy is incredible. How did you come so far in just three years?"

"It's not mine, it's Master Hawkeye's. I convinced Hawkeye that I wanted to use it to help people." He leaned away from her touch and sat on the cot. "Help them experience hell before they died a senseless death at the hands of their own governement."

She sat beside him and pet his hair. "You have to stop saying that aloud."

"Ignore the truth?" He said. "Maybe you have changed."

"I didn't say ignore it, just be a little more careful with who you say it to."

"Like you?" He looked at her. "Do you have to march me out back and shoot me for cowardice now?"

"Maes is one thing, but even he's clearly struggling with it. Kimblee however..."

"I didn't say anything to that asshole."

"You apparently kept him up last night." She informed him and watched his eyes close.

"Shit."

"Talk to me Roy, we have another day together until we meet up with the main force and go off to god knows where. Talk to me, there is nothing you can say to me that will make me doubt or hate you."

"Later." He said quietly and leaned close to her and placed a kiss on her lips. "Right now, I'd really like to feel human again."

She smiled and stood to blow out the light. "I wouldn't mind taking your mind of things for a little while."

He winced as he heard a pig squeal come from outside and some laughter. "What the hell was that?"

"The sound a young girl makes when she falls asleep on a pier and wakes to find a tentacle monster probing her mouth."

"So this is your life now?" He asked as she spread out a blanket on the ground and he fumbled to take his boots off.

"Yeah, long way from the Whitman estate but I like it." She sat down and started to untie her boots. "So you want me to push to have you reassigned to my unit?"

"So you can prevent me from having a breakdown?" He knelt down on the ground next to her. "I think that would be a bad idea. I need to quit leaning on everyone else to compensate for my weaknesses. I also...am not proud of what I do."

She leaned forward and kissed him. "So about that offer to make you feel human again, anything you want to request?"

He cringed as this god awful howl broke the night's quiet and laughter ensued. "What was that supposed to be?"

"The tentacles are roaming." Haley informed him. "Which makes me wonder why your hands are just sitting idle and not helping me get undressed."

"Sorry." He smiled and began to unbutton her shirt. "So...don't mean to kill the mood or anything but...have you been..."

"Nobody since you, no." She felt him get more enthusiastic about getting her undressed and tried to help him get rid of his shirt. He reached over and gave her a much more intense kiss signalling to her that he was well past the need to talk and more interested in action. Her heart began to race as his fingers touched bare skin and reminded her how damned much she missed him.

* * *

"What the hell are you doing here?!"

Riza raised her eyebrows as she wasn't exactly expecting those to be the first words from Roy's mouth. Especially after her unceremoniously yanked her into his tent. "I enlisted."

"Are you fucking stupid?"

She wasn't expecting that to be the second thing he said either. "I went to the academy and they needed more soldiers, so they sent us to the field. Some were graduated early, however I guess I wasn't one of those lucky enough to be commissioned before reaching the battlefield."

"Lucky?" He ran his hands through his hair and stared at her. "Riza, what have you done?"

"My duty." She said coldly. "Roy, I won't have you talk down to me like I'm a child anymore."

He stared at her hoping this was one of his nightmares. One of the last people he wanted to see here, not only because he wanted her to be safe from it but because he had failed her as well. "Please, just call in a favor from your Grandfather and get the hell out of here."

She was about to inform him that she wasn't in need of 'favors' to get her anywhere and that she was here of her own merit. However they were interrupted as another officer burst into the tent and looked right past them in search of someone else. She raised her eyebrows when she realized it was a woman officer.

"Where the fuck is Kimblee?"

Roy wasn't in the mood to deal with Haley at the moment and coldly replied. "I'm not his babysitter, you are."

She suddenly focused on the new person in the tent who had come to attention and was saluting her. "Shit, sorry Roy. If I knew you had a cute blond in here I would have waited another half hour."

He ground his teeth. "Major Haley Whitman, Cadet Riza Hawkeye."

"Cadet?" Haley snapped. "What the hell is going on! We haven't ruined enough lives that we need to go dragging schoolkids to war now?"

"What the hell is wrong with you!" Roy hissed. "Try and act like a goddamned officer, would you?"

"I'm sorry Roy, go back to _educating_ your cadet." She turned and the tent flap pulled back.

" What's with all the yelling in here?" Kimblee ducked inside his shared tent with Mustang and chuckled. "Oh...you finally pushed her limits with a threesome huh?"

Roy opened his mouth to say something but Haley's next move stopped him in his tracks. In an instant she had her hands around Kimblee's throat and threw him down on the ground.

"You fucking bastard. I'll deal with your goodamned shit Solf, but you've crossed the line dragging my brother into this!"

Kimblee tried to free himself from her death grip but she was a great deal stronger than he thought. He couldn't use alchemy without injuring himself so he was left with his human strength which he now realized wasn't what it should be anymore. He gasped for air as he looked into those eyes and saw the look he was all to familiar with. He slapped the ground at Mustang, trying to call for help from the imbecile just standing there watching him be choked to death.

"Just a coincidence that my little brother is slated to be your apprentice now after they graduate him early and push him through the state alchemist exam? You think I'm going to let that slide, Solf? Really?"

Kimblee began to see black dots and wondered why Mustang was taking so long to stop his murder.

Roy finally realized she wasn't going to back off and tried to pull her off Kimblee. "Haley, let go of him. You're going to kill him."

"That's the idea." She said coldly.

Roy couldn't pry her hands off his throat and watched the man begin to turn blue. "You kill him and it's going to be your execution!"

"They'll never find his body." She hissed. "Just like all those bodies under the rubble he leaves in his wake. A nameless corpse..."

"Hawkeye, hit her."

Riza stepped forward and hit the other woman with the butt of her rifle. It drew blood but the grip didn't loosen.

"Again. Harder." Roy ordered and watched the rifle hit her skull and finally the pressure on Kimblee's throat released as Haley fell off to the side unconscious.

Kimblee sucked in precious oxygen and stared at the other alchemist who had just saved his life.

"Not a word." Roy glared at him. "Whatever the hell you did, I'm sure you deserved worse. Not a damned word."

Kimblee coughed and sat up. "I didn't...do anything."

"I find that very hard to believe." Roy scooped up his unconscious friend and placed her in his cot. He looked up as Riza set her rifle down. She pulled her scarf off and wet it with water from her canteen, then tried to clean off the wound she inflicted. He sighed. So her first day on the front lines and he orders her to attack another officer. Nice.

"So...this new kid." Solf sat up against his cot and reached for his flask. "Is her brother? Lightning Alchemist is a Whitman?"

Roy looked up as he heard a light knock at his tent pole. "Shit."

"No, it's Maes. Can I come in?"

"Why not?" Roy sighed and Hughes stepped into the already crowded tent and his eyes grew wide. "Kimblee tripped..."

Kimblee coughed and shook his head. "It was erotic asphyxiation gone wrong. Want to tag in, I've had enough of the kinky shit."

Hughes looked around the tent and wondered how the blond girl fit into all this. "Uh...so I guess you heard that Zane Whitman's been certified and commissioned and is here."

"Yeah, I think I might have overheard that." Roy looked up at his friend who gave him an apologetic smile.

"He's also outside."

"Any more people in this tent will deplete it of oxygen." Roy said and stood up. "I'll show him around."

"Good, he's kind of a fanboy." Maes informed him.

"Great." He looked down at his cot and cleared his throat. "Hawkeye I'm sure you have other things you're supposed to be doing. I won't insult you by making you tend to the wounded."

"Sir." She stood and snapped a salute.

"Best you not be here when she wakes up anyhow." Kimblee coughed and crawled onto his cot.

"Clean that blood off your rifle." Roy suggested. "Blame everything on me if you're questioned."

"I'm not going to ask." Maes said as Hawkeye slipped out of the tent to rejoin her sniper unit and Roy reached for a drink.

"Just when this war couldn't get any worse." Roy mumbled and finished off his whiskey. "Can you have her staff retrieve her? I think they do better damage control than anyone."

"Sure." Maes nodded and looked at the still winded Kimblee lying on his cot trying to fumble with his holster to get his service weapon. "Do you even know how to use that thing, Major?"

Kimblee glared at him. "Leave her here to wake up and you'll find out."

Roy tossed the flask into his pile of dirty clothes and ducked out of the tent. A bright eyed young man in a clean uniform smiled back at him. His perfect parade ground salute made Roy want to vomit.

"Major Mustang! Sir! Major Zane Whitman reporting for duty!"

He wished he could muster more than a sloppy salute in return, "At ease Major."

"Sir, it's a real honor to meet you!" Zane chirped and followed at the other alchemists side like a happy pup.

"Save it kid, tell me what the hell you're doing here. Your sister's already on the warpath."

"Yeah...Haley gets a little protective." Zane looked around. "Surprised she hasn't found me yet. I guess she's probably taking it up with the old man and getting slapped for it. Some things never change."

"I think you'll find that everything is about to change." Roy looked at the young man sadly. "So Lightning Alchemist?"

"Well...the thing is...I'm not quite there yet. More like the...Defibrillator Alchemist at the moment. The full electric charge isn't very consistent and about all I can muster consistently is to zap and throw off heart rhythm."

"In humans?"

"In pigs."

He sighed. "You're not here to help the cooks process pork, you're here to kill people. You understand that don't you?"

"Yes sir." Zane wondered why the older alchemist was walking them away from the camp. "Where are we going?"

"You need to show me what you do." Roy replied and kept walking towards the hospital where there would be plenty of bodies piled up behind the tents to use. He used to feel bad, like the were descrating soldier's remains...but most of the bodies were civilians and indistinguishable. He also wanted this kid to see the disgust and hatred the soldiers and doctors had for them. "You also need to be careful with Kimblee."

"Well my father said he would be able to help be with my research. That he would understand what I was trying to accompish and how to hone my skill and work. He's something of a philospher too, sounds like an interesting guy." Zane said and lengthened his stride to keep up with Mustang.

"He's a sociopath and a cold blooded killer." Roy said coldly. "Don't let him talk you into thinking he cares about anything other than himself or toying with you."

"My father said that he and Haley work well together. "

"Your sister has an incredibly high tolerance for insanity thanks to being a Whitman. Something I hope you inherited as well."

"Where is she?"

"She's recovering from having her head smashed in because she tried to choke the life out of your new mentor." Roy turned to the kid who didn't seem surprised to find out his sister was capable of that. "So when you look at the bruises on that lunatic's throat, remember Haley was trying to protect you from him."

"Ok." He nodded. "Good to know."

"Don't die out here kid. Keep your head down, do the minimum amount of work needed and go home to a life of a research alchmist. I've seen a lot, I've done horrible things...but I worry about what I'll see if Haley loses you."

"I'm not as helpless as my sister makes me out to be."

"You just told me you defend yourself by giving people heart attacks." He sighed. "Something Haley does by opening her mouth and telling the truth."

"Well...we both had lessons with my alchemy teacher and he instilled in us a great respect for truth. Is it not what we alchemists seek? "

Roy turned and pointed to the pile of bodies down the road about a quarter of a mile. "That is truth. That is what we do."

Zane wasn't sure what he was looking at. "A landfill? I hardly expected you to be an enviromentalist. "

"They're bodies and limbs, kid. The ones who made it back partially dead and didn't make it." He watched the kid's eyes grow wide and took out his gloves. "And it's my job to incinerate them. So if you would be so kind as to show me what it is you do with your alchemy before I take away our corspes, I'd appreciate it. Maybe I can help you instead of letting you go to war with a mad man."

"That's from this battle?"

"That's from this morning." Roy replied and watched the kid pale. "Come on, time to show you exactly what it is we do. The glorious job of the State Alchemists. "

"Why do these people look at you like you're the enemy?"

"You'll see."

* * *

Haley squinted as she reached her father's tent and looked at the Colonel in charge of his staff. "I'd like to speak with my Father."

"Well, Major..." Colonel Routhy began and saw the eldest Whitman child wave him off.

"I'll handle it Colonel." Colonel Sam Whitman narrowed his eyes at his little sister and frowned. "Do you have a hangover?"

"No."

"You look like you do."

"Well I'm glad that you have some basis for that random question Sam." Haley's head throbbed, her brother's voice just seemed to iriate it more.

"is that blood in your hair?"

"Surprised?"

"Not really." Sam sighed. "Let's walk."

"No." She hissed. "I'm here to take it up with him."

"Lt General Whitman isn't here Major, so why don't you report to your own commanding officer and do something by the book for a change?" Sam said and wrapped his arm around her shoulder and walked her towards the shadows of the other wall tents so she could stop looking like she had a migraine. "Leave it alone, Haley."

"Really?"

"What's done is done. Zane isn't a baby anymore and you need to quit treating him like it." Sam replied calmly.

"I'm not here about that. I'm here about Kimblee."

"Who looks like someone tried to choke him to death. I'm sure you don't know anything about that, do you?" Sam asked and she responded with a shrug.

"He likes kinky sex shit, who am I to stop him from screwing around while in camp?" She wondered how his uniform was so clean. Did he never set a foot outside his tent?

"Right." Sam sat down and looked at her. "So you want me to what? Reassign Zane to your boyfriend?"

"No. I'll protect him, thanks."

"So what? Just here to curse out Dad and get yourself demoted? Why are you here and what the hell happened to your head?"

"If he was a soldier...that's one thing. However you and I both know that he couldn't have passed that certification test without help. What exactly is it he does? Shock livestock?"

"Best way to research is in the field." Sam shifted on the crate and watched her shoulders slump. "You look like hell Haley, go back to bed and get some rest. You're marching out in two days and I'm assured that you're really close to a promotion. So keep Kimblee in check, watch Zane and keep doing what you're doing. The war is almost over."

"The war is almost over." She snorted. "Six years ago it was only supposed to last a month. Then it's always almost over until someone decides we haven't added enough to our resume and then we throw another Whitman into the fire. Don't I do enough to make you look good, why the hell do you have to drag Zane into this? Ugh...the war's almost over. We could have spared him this."

"Where else is the world going to see what strength I have in my siblings if not at war? Anywhere else it's just murder, here it's for the glory of Amestris." Sam watched her dump her canteen over her head and frowned. "Maybe if you had secured the Flame Alchemist for us we wouldn't have had to bring Zane into this."

She glared at him. "Fuck You Sam."

"I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. Shit Haley, Mom is ready to offer him anything to take you home. Anything."

"You know what I want Sam?"

"Afraid to ask."

"There's a woman sniper I want reassigned to his unit. I want her watching him. Name is Hawkeye." When Haley had come to Maes explained the situation and she wanted to know who the girl was and her record. She was impressed and that was the person she wanted watching him. Someone who wasn't jaded yet, someone fresh.

"Ok, why her? We have a ton of male snipers..."

"He gets moody and I'd like an option to fall back on if he's not attentive enough."

Sam blinked. "Are you implying that..."

"I'm telling you that apparently I like blonds. So can you make that happen because I'm really getting tired of him being too depressed to be horny." She rubbed her eyes.

Sam cleared his throat as she stood up. "Ok."

"Thanks." She rubbed her head and winced. "Ok, tell the old man I'm still not dropping Roy in their laps and I'm not going to forgive them for doing this to Zane. "

"Really? A girl?"

"I'm game for a threesome if I can convince him to try it, but I'm told not everyone is as sexually liberated as we Whitmans."

Sam blinked as she walked off rubbing her head.

Haley stumbled through camp, trying to keep her eyes down and avoid direct sunlight as her throbbing headache made her want to vomit. She made her way over to where the snipers made their camp and waved at the only woman there. What a morning.

Hawkeye closed her eyes. Of course she just had to make her life more difficult by attacking an officer on her first day. Since being a woman in camp wasn't bad enough. She made her way to the Major and saluted. "Sir."

"Look, I won't babble about first impressions because I really am that bad. I'm sorry I insulted you, it took me a while to place the name. Hawkeye, shit. You're really the daughter of Roy's sensei?"

"Yes."

"You're not here to tell him he's failed your father and shoot him are you?" Haley watched her reaction.

"No." She gasped.

"Good. I had you reassigned to his unit so you can make sure the dumb shit doesn't get himself shot again. I'm going to have my hands full with my own alchemists and I can't be worrying about him."

"How did you..."

"I told my brother I wanted to sleep with you and potentially lure you into a three-way. So if that comes up or it offends you...sorry. Only way my brother would agree to that was if he was thinking about you naked."

"Major, I have a hard enough time being a woman in the military without that." Riza wondered if there was truth in that.

"Eh, he'll keep it to himself. " She groaned as her head began to throb more. "Well maybe between him and his hand."

"I'm sorry about hitting you."

"Sorry about hitting on you. Beat the living shit out of Roy if you have to. Just keep him alive." Haley stood up straight and gave her a smile. "Hope we meet next time on better terms. I'm sorry we couldn't end this damned war before you got pulled into it."

"Major, I think you need to see a doctor."

"Good Luck cadet." Haley saluted and nodded as the slightly younger woman looked at her like she was insane.

"You too Major."

"We were supposed to end this war already." Haley sighed and hung her head, ready to stumble back to her tent and bed.

xxxxxxxxxxx


	7. The Cross-Country Porn War

AN: Doujinshi is part of any fandom and quite honestly I love to embrace it's quirky and wonderful ways. Roy Mustang the porn star is amusing as hell to me. I apologize for how long this chapter got... I got carried away.

Sorry about formatting errors. I swear, ever chapter has some issue that ends up clumping everything together and having to be reedited.

I know I'm shown up late to the party in this fandom, however if there is a forum or fanfiction group out there I can join please send me a PM and let me know. Love to bounce some ideas off people and have more than the FMA wiki as a resource for info.

* * *

_Dogs of the Military_

Chapter 7

**The Cross-Country Porn War**

* * *

Lt. Matthew Grimsley stared at the allocations paperwork and looked over at his commander who was busy at her desk scribbling away at whatever report she was trying to finish. Two weeks ago on the Monday after the great formal event in Central, she didn't show up for work just called early that morning to tell him she had somethings to take up with command in West City. She would need him to compile a list of candidates who would be able to handle their own small command. He didn't ask much other than, 'Why?'. The answer was simply, "Because I'm taking control of Pendleton and everything in-between on my way back home."

Ok. So he was used to her methods and he wasn't all that surprised that she'd do it. However when she arrived home two days later with Pendleton and two new forts under her command she casually mentioned that it was Mustang who pushed her to do it. He was worried now. He wasn't blind to the man's ambitions; Mustang had made Full Colonel so young and even had the celebrated Fullmetal Alchemist as a feather in his cap. Now he had a Lt. Colonel in his pocket who swept through and took over the entire Southwestern string of the border on her way back home from a widely publicized date with him. Not just any field commander either, a Whitman. The one Whitman who wasn't under the family's thumb, a family that owned half the country. He knew he was up to something, it worried him that he was involving his own Colonel in his schemes especially when it looked like he was about to make a play for power. If a meager staff officer saw it, how the hell could the top brass not? Someone in Central had to see this was a classic pincher attack, even if it was only two Colonels playing the board they were both commanders who had loyal soldiers under them. He respected Mustang, but he also felt he was young and cocky. He hadn't been humbled by setbacks or loss, he still felt invincible and his career had been on a steady rise since the war. He was jarred out of his thoughts as the door to the office swung open and McClellan arrived with the day's mail. He's have to take this up with her later, from the looks of it they were going to have a new story to listen to around the fire tonight.

"Look what arrived today." McClellan grinned like a jackal as Haley looked up at him and saw the plain brown envelope that his adult books usually arrived in.

She leaned back at her desk and shrugged. If it was yet another copy of her picture from the Central Times she was just going to shoot him. He was too happy for that so she decided to play along. "Something inter-racial? Amestrian/Ishvalian porn?"

"No, Mustang/Whitman porn." McClellan responded and purposely ripped the brown bag to reveal the cover of his latest prize doujinshi, _Flames of Passion_.

"You're shitting me." She said as her eyes took in the colorful cover art as he placed it in front of her. It was something simple enough on the cover, they rarely got too graphic so that the stupid books could still sit on the shelf in the store. She had to chuckle, the artist drew Roy in one of his cocky attack stances and he had that irresistible smirk on his face. She was rather busty, which was not anything she would complain about though it took some work to show that in their uniforms. "Oh my god! I'm a porn star!"

"Someday I'll have a professional work atmosphere." Grimsley shook his head and watched Lt. Hope look up a bit too excited. Well there went his chance to talk about the recent events that most definitely needed to be discussed.

"Holy shit! Look at my boobs!" Haley flipped to the first page and looked at McClellan who was now over at her side of the desk bouncing back and forth like a happy puppy. "Where did you find this?"

"I have a guy in Central who looks for these kinds of things." McClellan informed her.

"Kinds of things." Muttered Grimsley. "What other porn do you have of our boss, Dan?"

Haley started flipping through not really interested in the storyline as she was curious to see what happened to her. "Why do they blur out the penises?"

"Cause nobody is reading this to look at him." McClellan growled. Last thing he wanted to see was Mustang's privates.

"Bullshit. I bet this is a top seller. Hell I bet this was commissioned by a creepy old lady." She giggled. "I hope you ordered more copies, I have to send this to him."

"I bought one for you and me. Remember my salary isn't that great and these damned things cost too much." McClellan responded.

"I'll give you money, we need more of these. Hell I'll just buy the publishing house." Haley chuckled as she flipped to the next page. "Oh this is priceless."

"Do you really cry like that while he's branding his alchemist superhero symbol on your ass?"

"Only because his blurred penis can't be doing much. But I love the nipple detail." She looked up and smiled. "Has the mail left yet?"

"No, supply truck is still here. Driver's getting food and fuel." McClellan smirked knowing her next move.

"Get me an envelope. This has to go out today."

Grimsley sighed. "One day I won't have to worry about my superior officer being fired for using the military postal system to send porn to her lover."

"Shhhh!" She pointed at him. "Don't ruin my fun with your professionalism!"

McClellan laughed and handed her an envelope. "Autograph it."

"Oh hell yes!" she grabbed a marker. "What do I write?"

Grimsley sighed. He couldn't believe he was going to contribute. "To an old flame."

Haley cackled. "Prefect!"

"Glad to be of service, sir." He returned to the reports. Well no matter how good that man was at tactics and strategy, he was never going to see this coming.

"Quick, get that in the mail." Haley stood and then added. "And bring that other copy. We have to go inspect all these damned forts I just commandeered and I could use something to entertain us on the drive."

"Will do boss!" McClellan darted out the door.

"How long will you be gone?" Grimsley asked. Commandeering forts was one thing however now it was getting serious as a cross-country porn war was about to start and he wondered if she even realized what that meant.

"Eh, a few days. I already drummed out the lackeys, I'll just make sure the men I put in charge are loyal to me for the efforts and are doing what I told them. Otherwise, I'll call you for some officer transfers." She looked to Lt. Jenifer and said, "You're coming too."

Grimsley nodded. "So you'll be back by the time that present arrives in East City?"

"Of course! I wouldn't miss that for the world!" She grinned. "Can't wait to see what he sends back!"

"I bet $100 he won't play along." Grimsley said.

"You're on."

* * *

Roy stared at the Xingese word and then reread the sentence to try and use context clues to figure out what it meant. As with most languages the older the books got, the more the vernacular distanced itself from the current spoken dialect of the country. Xingese was a more complicated language, characters could have several different meanings depending on the inflection, more so in the ancient texts where the language wasn't as uniform. Really it was just a huge pain in the ass. Whatever that word was seemed to be the key to the sentence and he didn't have a damned clue what it meant. Would it be the information he needed to figure out how Chimera were made, doubtful, but now it was taunting him and he hated that. He was concentrating on it so hard that he didn't notice Hawkeye come up beside him.

"Sir, you have mail from Lt. Colonel Whitman." Hawkeye smiled as he jumped and broke his concentration. Instead of being his often moody self when something aggravated him he simply sighed and set the book down. It was a change for him, he wasn't nearly as tense after his weekend in Central and the stress of everything happening in East City didn't seem to be hampering him as much. Paperwork still wasn't getting done, but his desk was covered with Chimera related information and research on Scar. There was a tremendous workload now but he didn't seem to be bitching about it, breaking pencils or threatening to light people on fire. No, right now he was burying himself in work like a true alchemist trying to find answers and completely refocused. Riza smiled, no sooner did Whitman gobble up half the Western border than Roy shifted into overdrive to match her workload. She was glad that Roy had someone of his own rank that he could finally connect with. Something about the burden of command that only those of equal rank could understand helped take a weight off his shoulders. Either that or he was still in a good mood from whatever she did to him at that party. Whatever the reason, the entire staff was ready to send a Thank You card to Whitman for making him this happy, especially for it lasting over a week.

Roy looked up surprised that she'd send him something to his office. "Thank you Lieutenant."

Hawkeye sat down at her desk and watched his face as he opened the envelope and removed a...comic book? His face went from curiosity, to confusion to annoyance as he started flipping through the pages. In fact she thought she saw a blush form before he threw the book down and grabbed the phone and angrily started dialing someone.

_"Sgt McClellan speaking, how may I direct your call?"_

"Put your Colonel on the phone, now." Roy growled.

_"Oh, is that you Colonel Mustang? I mean...THE Colonel Mustang of Flames of Passion a love story like no other?"_

Roy ground his teeth as he heard laughing and snapped. "NOW Sargent!"

_"So, I guess you got my present?"_

"Haley, what the hell were you thinking?"

_"I didn't draw it. Apparently we're inspirational."_

He heard the laughing and felt his blood begin to boil. "Are you insane? Why would you send this to me, HERE?"

_"Page 16 is work related."_

"Haley, this isn't funny."

_"It's...recreational reading. No, No...it's study material for when you apply to be my secretary."_

He covered his eyes with his hand. This wasn't happening. She was aware that mail was being opened and read and phone conversations tapped. What they hell was she doing? Was this payback for telling her to take Pendleton? "You do realize that this has probably all over Central now, right?"

_"Of course. Porn addiction is becoming an epidemic."_

He cringed. He heard her laughing and groaned. "This isn't funny Haley."

_"Clearly you haven't seen page 22."_

"I'm burning it."

_"NO! Roy! Come on, lighten up! You have to read it, my tits are works of art and you have the abs of a god! Clearly, not someone who's actually seen either of us naked. I mean, you never get out from behind a desk and I can't even find my nipples unless it's cold. So Enjoy it!"_

"Enjoy my career being flushed down the toilet?" He hissed.

_"How exactly does that happen? It's not like we posed for this. Stop being so dramatic!"_

"Well that's just great, when we're both fired for this at least we have a budding career in pornography!" He snapped and got everyone's attention. Dammit, this wasn't happening. This had to be just one of his nightmares! She could have just sent this to his apartment and he would have found it a rather enjoyable read, but no...not Haley. She wanted to stun someone who was watching him, get their minds off what was really happening and perhaps flush out the individual who was keeping tabs on them. He hated that she was a damned Lt. Colonel some days, she would never consider running her actions by him and would simply act on anything she could dream up. Her initiative and audacity could be infuriating when it wasn't inline with his own plans. Sadly, it rarely was and that's why she was on the other side of the country right now.

_"Who the hell do you work for that is going to stymie your career because of a hentai doujinshi that half of Central is probably masturbating to? God Roy, stop overreacting and live a little."_

He slammed the phone down and looked up at his staff who was just dying to see the book on his desk. "What the hell are you all looking at?"

Hawkeye glanced at the guys who seemed to be mentally cataloging this for later investigating. Roy Mustang, porn star. Now that was something she had to admit was sort of funny. Odd that he'd be so upset considering the womanizing reputation he had established for himself, though he did seem to like to remain a 'gentleman' despite being a philandering bastard. She looked up as the phone rang and Mustang grabbed it on the first ring.

"I swear to God I will castrate that perverted sergeant of yours next time he's in range!"

_"Good to know Roy, but I don't think she's going to appreciate that kind of attention from you."_

Roy closed his eyes. "Sorry Maes, I thought you were someone else."

_"Yeah, I can guess who."_

"Ugh." He slammed his head into the desk. This was already all over Central then, spreading like a wildfire.

_"Really, not exactly the most risque piece I've had cross my desk, but..probably the most awkward. I think you're going to have to burn my couch next time you're in town."_

"Alright, I'll just have to burn every last copy of this damned comic with it!"

_"Well, thing is that it's already on the third printing. You might just have a second career here."_

He smacked his head on the desk again as he heard his best friend chuckle. Third printing!? Were they handing it out as required reading material? It had only been two weeks since the ball, how the hell did someone draw this, get it published and distributed so fast? Whoever that person was should be the one running the country. "Find whoever did this, Maes. Please."

_"I already did. Apparently it was commissioned by some old socialite named Louise Haverton? Know her?"_

"She pinched my ass at the gala and asked me how hard it was to get Haley pregnant. " He sat up and glared at his staff who was avoiding looking at him and trying to hide their smiles. Then he heard Maes start to laugh and slammed the phone down. "I need new friends."

"Sir?" Hawkeye said and tried to hide her smirk. "I doubt we have a requisition form for that. Would you like me to start taking applications or just draft likely individuals into service?"

"Aren't you funny." He said dryly. "Well now the gossips won't be talking about our alleged office romance, huh?"

"Exactly." She grinned. It did get old, having damned near everyone in the building looking at her with that suggestive smile and a wink thinking she followed around Mustang because she was in love with him. Now there was a new woman, who apparently didn't care about the gossip and embraced it. "Lt. Colonel Whitman can have you sir with my compliments."

Havoc lit a cigarette. "Don't know what we're going to do with all our spare time if we're not answering questions about you and the Lt, Chief."

"Can this day get any worse?" He grumbled and looked up as the door to the main office swing open and a gray haired old man entered the room with a smile on his face. "Yes. Yes it can."

"Hello General Grumman." Hawkeye said and watched him walk over to Roy's desk and his face lit up.

"Oh, so you do have a copy!" Grumman picked up the doujinshi. He chuckled. "What an original way to increase your popularity! Ha! _Flames of Passion,_ that's pretty clever!"

Roy wanted to scream. The eccentric Grumann wouldn't hold this against him. He looked up as the man chuckled and frowned as he realized he was flipping through the hentai. Yes, now it was much worse. It was creepy and so much worse! Now he kinda wished he did reprimand him for it as the last thing he wanted was to hear about this every time they played chess.

"I don't recall Colonel Whitman being this well endowed. Artistic license I guess..."Grumman mumbled.

"Lt Hawkeye?" Roy asked.

"Yes sir?" Riza looked up at him, trying to avoid seeing Grumman's face as he looked at the book. His eyebrows wiggled as he chirped a girlish giggle. Ugh, too weird.

"I'm going to need you to shoot me."

"Going to have to deal with this sometime, Mustang." Grumman raised his eyebrows. "Well that is an interesting position...hmpf. Forget you're so young and flexible and apparently educated in many arts. Anyhow scandals and such are part of the political world."

"This isn't anything but someone's imagination." He growled and felt like he needed a shower. Hawkeye's grandfather just complimented his flexibility? He looked to her and she was hiding her smile behind a folder. "It's a damned comic book!"

"Is Colonel Whitman upset?" Grumman asked. "I doubt it since she signed the book for you. She's pretty witty too. Those fire puns never get old."

"No, she thinks it's funny." Roy mumbled.

"Then you should marry that girl because any other women would kill you for bringing this home." He chuckled and dropped the book on the desk. "I remember when Madam Christmas and I...well...lets just say it brings back some memories. Oh those were the days..."

Roy felt the bile begin to rise into his throat. It was bad enough Grumman was looking at a sex comic of him but to mention his Mom? Did he die and go to hell last night?

"By the way, there is a growing fangirl horde on the steps of HQ and apparently they're here to see you." Grumman smiled. "I'd like you to disperse the crowds please, Colonel, it's against protocol to have people loitering outside."

"I'm sorry, a what?" Roy asked as Grumnan left the room laughing. Fangirl horde? What the hell was that?

Grumman popped his head back around the door frame and said. "Oh, almost forgot. The Elrics are here too! I had to help them get passed those rabid fangirls, apparently Ed is quite the heartthorb too."

Hawkeye watched Roy's head hit the desk again and cringed. "Sir, please. If you suffer brain damage you're going to be defenseless against those fangirls."

"Wow, is this this a bad time or something?" Edward Elric walked in with his hands in his pockets and watched Mustang bash his head into his desk again. Grumman let loose a hearty laugh as he walked down the hall and it echoed back into the room. He just wanted to file his report and go, now it seemed like Mustang might be having seizures which delayed the process. "Did I walk in on the middle of your mid-life crisis Colonel?"

Roy looked up at the kid and gave him a death glare. Then he heard Grumman holler something about still being young and flexible and he felt the color drain from his face. To make matters worse Alphonse arrived and stood next to his annoying brother and spoke up.

"Cheer up Colonel! I hear your book is sold out! You have people waiting outside for autographs! I reserved my copy, can't wait to read it!" Al clapped his hands and wondered what secrets the book would hold.

Hawkeye couldn't help herself and a laugh escaped her mouth before she could suppress it.

"My book?" Roy asked hesitantly knowing the answer.

"_Flames of Passion_!" Al chirped. "We've read all the alchemy texts I can't wait to read yours on flame alchemy!"

"Couldn't have come up with a better name, Colonel? Sounds like you read too many romance novels." Ed said as the man twitched and cursed under his breathe. "What is wrong with you? Can't handle the pressure of being a best selling author, war hero and THE flame alchemist? Oh and lets not forget showing up on the front page of the newspaper with your prom date who happens to be a General's daughter and from one of the richest families in Amestris. Yeah, must be a rough life for you."

"Oh Colonel! Are you getting married!?" Al asked and gushed. "Is that why you're acting crazy?"

"Everyone out of my office NOW!" Roy stood and slammed his fist into the desk.

"Geez." Ed shook his head. "You might want to have your medication adjusted. I just want to file my report asshole!"

Roy glared at him and the kid stood his ground. "What report!?"

"The special assignment? _Pest Control Problem_?" Ed snapped back. What the hell was wrong with him? "You senile now too?"

Hawkeye smiled as the phone rang and Roy's fists clenched. She stood and walked over to avoid him having a meltdown. "Colonel Mustang's office?"

Roy took the interruption as the break he needed to refocus. Ed was here to report on the chimera and he had to calm down. Chimera were the priority. Scar too, but he was busy fighting the damned creatures himself. _Thanks a lot Haley, I don't have enough shit to do._ "Right, your report. I hope you didn't write it in crayon."

"I'll tell him, thank you Captain." Riza hung up and looked over at Roy. "Sir, the Front gate needs you to deal with the crowd outside. The fangirl horde seems to be growing exponentially."

Roy nodded and threw his new doujinshi in his desk drawer. "Take a seat Fullmetal, I'll deal with you later."

"Really? Simplistic power play? Thought that would be beneath you, making me wait just so you can make yourself feel superior." Ed snorted and plopped down on the couch.

Roy regained his composure. "You would have the most experience being inferior, so you can wait."

Hawkeye knew if it wasn't Ed he was addressing he's make some off-color comment about the girls begging to be the ones beneath him. However he strolled out of the room with his confidence restored and went to deal with the fangirls outside. She should probably be by his side to ensure they didn't get too out of hand, but she kind of felt he deserved it.

"Awww...I wish I had a copy of the book for him to sign." Al pouted and sat down beside his brother as the rest of the staff shuffled around and declared they were going to lunch. Havoc and Hawkeye stayed to keep them company.

"Can I get you something to eat Ed?" Hawkeye asked.

"Doesn't the Colonel get extra copies as an author? Do you have any copies?" Al asked innocently and looked to Hawkeye. "The reviews have been really favorable!"

Ed was getting tired of hearing about the damned book. Sure he was dying to read something new on alchemy too but not at the expense of Mustang's already inflated ego getting a boost. "He probably wants to make you buy a copy so he gets his money from it."

Havoc lit another cigarette to hide his smile with smoke.

Al kept prodding. "The guy at the store said it was 18 and over material because it was a graphic novel."

"Graphic?" Ed said curiously. "Like graphs and charts?"

Riza knew they would inevitably get their hands on a copy but until they did..."Descriptions of the effects of his...skill is quite graphic. More than some young readers can handle."

Havoc coughed as he sucked in way too much smoke with that comment. Mustang totally deserved this.

Al sighed. Oh the dark side of alchemy, they knew that well. "Oh. That's understandable. So who is the co-author...Whitman?"

"I recognize that name." Ed said and when through his mental catalog of alchemists. "Lightning Alchemist! I thought he died though."

"Oh..isn't that the Colonel's girlfriend too! The one he took to the dance?" Al looked over to Havoc who was still hacking and then turned to Hawkeye. "Did she help him with his research?"

Riza nodded and covered her mouth not wanting to have the poor kid see her smile. "You could say that."

"So Mustang dates a dead alchemists sister so he could get his hands on research? Sounds like him alright. What a dick!"

Havoc stood and knew he was going to have to leave the room. He coughed and wiped away a tear, this was priceless. He was going to have to give the Colonel a hand with the situation, clearly he was going to be back to dating every woman in town again if he didn't.

"I'm not waiting on him," Ed stood and pulled the report out of his pocket then marched over to the Colonel's desk and dropped the paperwork on it. "Tell Colonel Bastard he can come find me if he has any questions. We actually have work to do and he clearly is pretty good at avoiding do any of his."

Hawkeye nodded. It would probably be best if the Elrics waited for Mustang's temper to subside anyhow. "I will let him know."

* * *

Havoc walked into Mustang's office confidently until he saw those dark eyes lift from his paperwork and lock onto him. He smiled and tried to relay that he was a friend not foe, but Mustang's glare didn't change. "Hey chief, I've been thinking about this morning's mail and..."

"I swear to God if you ask for my autograph I will incinerate that book under your arm and you with it."

Havoc swallowed hard as the icy tone noted his boss was in no mood for pranks but he felt he was going to change his mind so he continued. "It would be a shame to let Whitman think she won. We should strike back."

Mustang watched the brown paper bag drop on his desk and heard Hawkeye sigh next to him. He cautiously opened the bag and took out the book and his mood instantly changed. "Hmmmm."

Hawkeye looked down at the book _Morning Frost._ General Armstrong and Colonel Whitman were apparently going to have some adventures in this comic. She knew it was pointless but voiced her opinion anyway. "Don't start this sir, take the high ground and don't retaliate."

Mustang smiled as he leaned back in his chair and glanced up at her. "Get me a pen and an envelope."

Havoc avoided Hawkeye's glare and watched Mustang start flipping through the yuri doujinshi.

"Planning to send out invitations to your funeral as well?" Hawkeye asked. "You know the Colonel's next move will be to forward that to Briggs."

Mustang chuckled. "Good. That will come back on her tenfold when Armstrong sees how she uses ice cubes."

Hawkeye shook her head. And this was the man who she was hoping would lead the country one day. She opened his desk drawer and handed him a marker.

Mustang closed the book and thought about what to write, then grinned and wrote "Tit bit nipplely in Briggs 3 Roy." And went back to reading. "Well done Havoc, now find me more because this battle has only just begun."

Hawkeye watched Havoc leave and left them alone in the office. "Sir, perhaps you should send your new girlfriend a real gift instead?"

Roy snorted in amusement. "What do you suggest I buy the railroad baron, porn star, ninja Lt. Colonel who just stole two forts and a small town?"

"Something." Riza said and watched him look up at her with amused eyes. "We like seeing you happy sir and it would be a huge hit to your reputation if you lost your girlfriend to General Armstrong."

Roy chuckled. "Doubtful. She hates being cold."

She sat down and smiled as he didn't try to hide his amusement at all. It wasn't going to be her place to point out that he didn't argue with her about calling Whitman his girlfriend.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Haley burst out laughing and McClellan snatched the comic from her hand before she could do more than read the front cover. "Matt! You owe me $100! I told you he'd play along! Get me an envelope, this goes to Briggs!"

"This must be from a local doujinshi circle in East City." McClellan scrutinized it. "Haven't seen this one or this style before. Nice. You and the ice queen, can't say I haven't thought about you dominating that woman and shutting up her bragging about Briggs soldiers."

Grimsley shook his head as she pulled out an envelope and started to address it. "So General Armstrong huh? Are you sure you want to involve her in this?"

Haley grinned. "Yup. And Roy was dumb enough to sign the cover too. She can't fucking stand him, this is going to be awesome!"

"Shit, she completely dominates you in this." McClellan frowned. "Damn her and her ice cubes and your cold intolerance."

"She probably would, Olivier is a little intense. " Haley shrugged as McClellan handed her the doujin to read before mailing North and starting a war for him on a whole new front. "What do we have in our arsenal to fire back at Camp Mustang?"

McClellan pulled out his knife and opened an envelope addressed to him. He took out the invoice and looked at the handwritten note to him, "My source says its a real pain in his ass that you don't want alchemist porn because there is a ton of Roy and Ed."

"That's weird. Ed's just a frickin kid." Haley shook her head.

"We'll I have..." McClellan took out his three choices. "Mustang/Hughes, You/Mustang and Mustang/a suit of armor...oh and Bradley and Mustang."

"Bradley?" Haley asked and he gave her the comic. "_To Serve Man._..sounds like a cookbook. What's he do to him? Serve him as a human sacrifice with delectable spices and a delightful side dish? Or is it to _service_ man...an instruction manual.."

McClellan shrugged. "I don't read that kind of porn."

She raised her eyebrows. "Well apparently Roy is playing hard to get because the Furhur has to pin him to the ground with swords. Through the hands! Naughty Roy, what were you doing with those hands? Wank too much and it will make you go blind...clearly evident by this last panel..."

"Don't read that stuff aloud. It's gross." McClellan informed her.

"I didn't realize there were sexual transmutation circles, makes me wish I paid attention when Zane was getting alchemy lessons. Send this one, probably the most disturbing use of an empty eye socket in the history of mankind." Haley chuckled. Where did these people come up with this stuff?

"We'll just save the others for next week." McClellan replied as her face betrayed how weird the doujinshi really was. "Way to escalate the porn war."

"That's how I play. We'll exchange volleys but I'll move to the heavy artillery as soon as I can. Let's see what you can find to counter this Mustang!"

* * *

Roy cringed as he looked at his latest gift and Riza cleared her throat. "I told you so."

He looked up at her and frowned. "This is just wrong."

Riza chuckled. "_To Serve Man?_ With a title like that it sounds like it could either be a revolutionary doctrine or a cannibal cookbook."

"I don't think I can ever look at the Furhur again." He frowned and shuddered thinking about it.

"At least he keeps _that_ eye covered." Riza chuckled as she looked at the rather detailed drawings. "If it's so bad why can't you stop reading?"

"I'm not reading it I'm trying to read the transmutation circle." He snapped and wished he could cover up the image of his own mortified face as he was pinned to the ground by a rapist Bradley. "This is real."

"Maybe you should quit playing this game before she finds something even worse." Riza suggested and he looked up at her and snorted.

"Seriously? Back down now?" He put the doujin down and frowned. "Find Havoc, tell him we need something much worse than the ice cube thing. Even if he has to draw it."

"I doubt stick figure porn is going to be considered a viable attack, sir." Riza said dryly.

"Help him then." He replied with a smile. "You wanted me to send her a special gift, go ahead and do my shopping for me."

"No." She said and pulled a magnifying glass out of his drawer for him. "She's already hit on me and your girlfriend does not need more encouragement."

"Not surprising, she really likes you." He said and put his hand over the drawing of him and tried to figure out what he was lying on top of. "So how about you go issue Havoc his new orders?"

"To find more porn of your girlfriend."

"Exactly."

Riza sighed and left the office to go interrupt Havoc's lunch. Instead she ran into him in the hallway with a huge grin on his face. She sighed. "The Colonel wants me to relay his orders to find more porn."

"Oh?" Havoc said, excited with his find. "What did she send back?"

"Furhur Bradley is apparently very creative with his reprimands of Colonel Mustang."

Havoc laughed. "That's sick! He must be pissed!"

Riza shook her head. "And what did you find?"

Havoc grinned and opened the door to the office. "Sir! I found something!"

Riza leaned against the door frame and waited. Roy had a disgusted scowl on his face as he apparently wasn't able to effectively cover up the artwork in order to read the text.

"_Internal Combustion_, Whitman/Kimblee."

Riza was surprised when Roy seemed to not change his expression immediately, then put on a fake smile as Havoc presented him with the comic. She knew his expressions well and for some reason this concept bothered him.

"Good work! Find me more!"

Havoc retreated and left Riza to watch him ignore the comic. "Sir?"

He looked up at her and frowned. "I don't even have to look at it to know what situation it's about."

"Ishval?"

"Maybe that present isn't such a bad idea." He sighed. "Can you go buy me some fancy coffee? Some of that stuff Auergo imports."

"Of course." She said. "Anything else?"

"A silk thong with drawstrings."

She frowned. "For you? Going to pose for your own porn now?"

"No." He said and watched her smirk, clearly everyone was having fun with this porn war and it was nice to take the edge off at the office. Between Scar and the Chimera, everyone had been overworked and stressed out. "It's a gift."

"Shouldn't you buy it then? I think this qualifies as abuse of power."

"You won't raise any suspicions going into a lingerie store on your lunch break."

"You however might get raped." She sighed imagine how the girls at the underwear store would start to salivate when Roy walked in the door, last thing he needed now was being caught having women 'model' products for him. "Fine, I'll do it just this once for you."

"Thanks." He grinned. "I'll autograph a copy of my book for you."

"Not quite sure I need another cookbook."

He watched her smile as she left and looked down at the other doujin that Havoc had found. He reached for it and hoped it wasn't as detailed as some of these others, an active imagination could make something of an after action report but details meant someone was there. Neither of them talked about that day, unless Kimblee was the one who drew it in prison. He was over reacting, he just looked at the cover and was already jumping to unfounded conclusions.

He opened to a random page and his breathe caught in his throat. Details were as clear as his own memory as Haley wrapped her belt around Kimblee's throat and pulled him off the top of the building. There he was in black and white...his fingers poised to snap, a snap that never came as the two plunged into the smoke and debris below. He flipped through a few pages, trying not to focus on the panels as they diverged from the path of reality and into fantasy. However he couldn't help but notice that his own face was somewhere in each panel, watching everything play out. Of course Havoc wouldn't have read the damned thing, probably just flipped through it to make sure it wasn't completely horrible. Doubtful he took notice of the uniformed man in the corner crying into his gloves. Yeah, if he took the time to look there would be all kinds of subtle things that were a dead giveaway as to the author of this particular piece. He was sure the dialogue would be scathing too.

So the question was, who the hell provided a sketch artist to an incarcerated war criminal since nobody in their right mind would give Kimblee a writing utensil?

* * *

"Wow." Haley raised her eyebrows. "I didn't think Alex had sparkles down there too."

Grimsley shuddered. "I can't believe you are actually reading that."

Haley cocked her head to the side. "It's funny. Just be thankful that in real life when Major Armstrong rips his shirt off he stops there. Oh look, I have cute little anime hearts in my eyes! I'm totally entranced by his sparkly balls!"

Grimsley shook his head. "Glad your boyfriend at least sent you coffee with it, even if he wrapped it in a thong. Is that his version of a filter?"

Haley snorted. "Strong arm alchemy apparently extends to the other appendages as well! Who knew you could bounce a girl on your..."

"Ugh!" Grimsley threw a stapler at her. "Dan, tell me you have something just vile to send back please!"

"Running out of new pairings. Just got a Whitman/Mustang short blow-job one." Dan gave her the comic and she frowned. "What?"

"He's going to take that as an offer. ". She flipped through it. "Not really looking to turn him on, this is a battle Dan."

"Then your options are Hughes or Kimblee cause everything else is with his sidekick Ed."

"Give me the Kimblee one.."

"So what's wrong with the blow-job one?" McClellan watched her face, "You've never done that so why would he take it as an offer."

She shrugged. "I would if he asked I'm just not really into the selfless sex acts when I have limited access to a partner."

"You would?"

"Sure." She looked up and saw their faces. "What? I lost my virginity to the guy why wouldn't I pop that cherry with him too?"

Grimsley shook his head. "I wish you'd just marry him already."

"Why? Because I'm on my knees under his desk in a comic and can't rule that out as an option?" She asked and McClellan put his hand on her shoulder. "What?"

"Haley, you'd tell anyone else to bend over and suck themselves off but all damned Mustang has to do is ask and you go to a party, take over the entire southwestern string of out border and apparently top it off with fellatio. Shit kid, the guy is a bigger idiot than you for not seeing what he has."

"Saying I'm whipped?"

Grimsley rubbed his eyes. "We're saying that after this next war, we are done. Dan and I are ready to retire. You need to go be with the man you love who you trust and will do anything for. Anything."

"You haven't been this happy in a long time." McClellan said and slapped her shoulder.

"I don't think I want to share with you guys anymore." She frowned. "What the hell has gotten into you two!"

"Mustang got into you." McClellan said quietly, "And you came back different. Something we both agree is a nice change."

"So you two spend your days talking behind my back about this and planning your retirement party after you walk me down the aisle? What the fuck!" She threw the comic at her best friend who simply shrugged as he caught it.

"Come on, this cross country flirting campaign has you contemplating...well this!" McClellan dropped the comic on her desk again and watched her react. "Shit Haley, we like seeing you happy!"

Grimsley watched her posture change and knew this intervention wasn't going the direction they planned. "Dan..."

"Look," McClellan leaned on her desk. "You did this in Ishval too. Think I didn't see that happening? Think I didn't see you thinking about the end of the war and having someone to go home to? You wrote him every day, then you started getting a little smile on your face when you started writing and I knew it wasn't just battle reports. You wanted to go home to him...had he never come to Ishval you would have done it too. Instead the bastard had to go and get inspired to change the world and you panicked and ran to the ends of the earth with us in tow. Look around Haley, this place suck! You want to die out here?"

"Clearly I am reusing some tactics." She shook her head. "You're right, we've been down this road before and it's a dead end."

"Now you've done it!" Grimsley snapped

"Forget the mail, let them win." She stood and pushed the books back to the side of her desk.

"Goddammit Haley..."

"No." She looked at both of them. "You have no idea how important this is and I've let this go too far. This isn't about Roy's ambitions, it's a far greater thing he's doing. You're right, I'm leading him on and that's going to stop. I can't be beside him for this battle, he needs someone better than me to keep him on course or nothing will change. We're done discussing this."

"Haley..."Grimsley watched her go to the door.

"You two are blind. I am the problem. People like me are the fucking problem. My family has destroyed this country from the inside, rotting it with corruption and greed. I can only support someone better than that, someone who can change this rotting world...otherwise I'll corrupt him too. Let them win, I'm done. That's an order. Time to get back to work. " She opened the door and slammed it before they could say anything.

"Disobey orders. Get that shit shipped out ASAP and get me a home address for Mustang." McClellan said. "She can just execute me if she wants, I'm not letting her bury this again."

"What the hell was that about? What the hell is he up to?" Grimsley asked, now more concerned than he was before about the man.

* * *

Roy looked at the handwriting on the envelope and looked back at the postage again. He frowned. It wasn't Haley's handwriting and she wouldn't dictate his home address to someone just to send him a package. He closed and locked his mailbox and walked up the stairs looking at the envelope as if it would give him an indication of what was going on without opening it. He finally made it to his apartment and let himself in, closing and locking the door behind him.

He was quick to drop the rest of his mail on the counter and open it. His eyes falling on one thin doujinshi before he threw the envelope on the counter top. The artwork was hardly the best but clearly it didn't take any kind of talent to sell a comic to Sgt McClellan. Stick figure porn would have done the trick. Roy's eyes quickly scanned the brief comic and knew Haley hadn't sent this. If she was that interested in offering her oral services she would have used her writing talents to inform him of that instead of some poor quality drawings. She would have sent this to his office deeming it 'work related'.

He was worried now. It wasn't some code it was an idiot pervert trying to start something. An idiot who loved his commander and risked feeling her wrath to do something stupid like this. He walked over to his phone and called her office, the number memorized now that things had once again been rekindled. He listened to the ringing, it was late but her room was attached to her office so he knew eventually she would answer. She was practical, the only woman at Fort Recovery and she wasn't going to make a separate dorm to adhere to military code. She would just sleep in her office. Talk about someone who needed a lecture about separating work from home life.

_"Whitman."_

"Haley, its Roy." He paused and looked at the envelope. "Got your gift today...at home"

There was a sigh and a thump on a wooden structure, probably her fist hitting her desk. _"I'm going to kill him."_

He heard her frustrated tone not one of mischief like he would expect with something like this. "Everything OK?"

_"I'm going to need a new staff sergeant."_

He wished he could have a genuine conversation, but he knew lines were tapped and he still had to be careful. He sat down on the arm of his couch and wished they didn't have to be so damned far apart. "Pretty impressed with the progress you've made out there."

_"We'll its about all I'm good for. I'm glad you're pleased."_

He felt pained, knowing that they had been at this juncture before and something triggered her to push him away again. "I hear that things have settled down a bit thanks to your efforts."

_"Roy, its late and you need to leave work at the office. If your lonely then go fish around the local bars for a woman."_

"You're working"

_"I'm not you, I'm one of the little worker bees who do your work for you."_

He bit his lip. What the hell happened out there? "Well I wanted to thank you for this gift and I'm flattered." He heard her start to say something than stop. He quickly added, "What are you doing this weekend?"

_"Not you."_

He raised his eyebrows. That was quick and harsh.

_"Sorry...forget I said that. I got work to do since my command just tripled and I have to get inspections done across the entire southwestern front now. Western HQ is trying to bury me under the paperwork for all three forts to punish me for kicking out their inept personnel. I don't have time to entertain you right now. Not unless you want that secretary position or want to help me with the incident report in the morning when I shoot my staff sergeant for treason."_

"Sorry to burden you."

_"Nothing I can't handle, just please disregard what my fucking idiot best friend sent you. He's doing his best to cope with his own fears of dying alone and apparently finds you attractive. That bachelor image seems to convey a different message to my lonely and disease riddled whore of a sergeant."_

"So what are you doing this weekend?"

_"Goodnight Roy. Go out and find a warm body to keep you company I have my work to keep me up all night."_

"Haley...I was just thinking about Ishval. That first time we saw each other again." He heard a heavy sigh and continued. "Don't make me come out there and revisit that discussion with _you_ this time."

_"Yeah, I've been thinking about the war too. Victory day. When you...made it obvious to me that I was everything you hated in this world. That I could never have your back because I always wanted to do the wrong thing."_

"I never said that, you did. Sucks being responsible dear. We all have to curb our desires and act like responsible human beings. Sometimes that means not doing everything we want too." He wished he could say more on the phone. Though 'remember when' always seemed to do the trick as far as code was concerned. They really did keep having the same conversations over and over. He knew this was inevitable, that sending her back to battle would do this. That once again she'd point out she had no place in his life because she had been raised to be a weapon of war nothing else. "Don't dwell on the past too long. Maybe you should go take a break and take that pet pony of yours out for a ride and clear your head before you murder your best friend."

_"I'm sure you wanted to shoot yours for the very same reason."_

Roy raised his eyebrows. So McClellan was actually trying to push them together? He looked down at the envelope. Huh. So he wasn't the only one having a hard time keeping his mind off their weekend. "Go ride your horse and take the night off, you need a break. Got to focus on what matters before things escalate. That's an order."

He heard her grunt. Understanding that his mentioning of the animal was key to reminding her of the chimera issue he was currently dealing with while she had everyone distracted with gobbling up forts. "If you want, Maes is forcing me to stay with him this weekend for some special party for Elicia. I forget what event they are commemorating, she might have sneezed or laughed or something like that. Could use some back up, if you want a little stress relief."

_"Can't. Have to fix these derelict bases before someone decides to inspect them. Sorry."_

"Bullshit." He snapped. "You took over those forts in a week and I know you had your improvements listed and scheduled right after you assumed command. You only would trust competent people in charge so they can handle whatever the hell you have remaining like dusting, decorating or painting the flagpole."

_"Doesn't mean I am going to take a vacation."_

"It's a weekend away which it seems like you might need since you're being such a bitch to me and threatening to kill or court-martial your best friend."

_"So you want me to change location and be a bitch to your face and threaten to kill your best friend instead? Wow. Much better. I think I'll just go to Pendleton and make some officials shit themselves and do their jobs."_

"Fine, I'll come visit you. I have vacation time accrued."

_"No...what the hell would you do that for?"_

"It's a threat Haley. You come with me to a little girl's party this weekend and I won't have to come out there and embarrass us both with a sexcation that the entire country will be talking about come Monday. Good luck extinguishing _Flames of Passion_ with _Morning Frost_ after that."

_"You're an asshole, you know that?"_

"So are you, so I'll see you this Saturday? Want me to pick you up at the train station?"

_"No, I'll find my way there."_

He heard the click and wished he could be more excited about the meeting, but he knew it was going to be a lot of work this weekend. This is why he was a bachelor, because it was way too much work to maintain a relationship with everything else going on.

He froze in place as he realized what his own thoughts just implied. He stood up and went to get a drink, clearly he was going to have to figure out what he wanted before this weekend as well. He looked around his dark and quiet apartment and couldn't help but wonder if everything would be a little bit easier if he had someone to come home to. Other than Jack Daniels.

* * *

AN: Sorry for the delay in updates. Chapters are written but I have been editing them and reworking a few things. Chimera are coming...I'm just long-winded and like to goof around with my characters too much. Also been chatting with a fellow author who I wrote this for and we've been talking about the direction this story should go. I always write out some tangents to get them out of my head and I have a few endings. I'm looking to go RoyxRiza with this eventually but I'd like to hear feedback as that wasn't really the original request. (though someone is very kind to let the story take it's own life and go where it may. :) ) We're both writing to be better writers and hearing what readers want helps immensely. So, send a Pm, review or check my profile for a poll if you'd like to help settle a debate between two over thinking fanfic writers. :)


	8. Chimera and Fangirls

AN: I fight with the doc manager on my final proofread as well as every upload with format problems...in addition it appears words are going missing. Saves are not saving. I swear I'm not that lazy about my editing, I'm just struggling with this site saving changes.

Shorter chapter than I wanted to post, but I'm struggling on the direction I want to take with this.

* * *

_Dogs of the Military_

Chapter 8

**Chimera and Fangirls**

* * *

Roy sat down on the bench and rubbed his temple. Nice serene day in the park and here he was ruining it by having a meeting with the Elrics. He really liked the kids but they could seriously try his patience. "I swear Al, I am not trying to keep you from learning anything about alchemy. I just don't think you realize what that..graphic novel contains."

Ed growled. "Shut up already Al! For God's sake! It's just a damned book!"

"It just seems to have made so many people happy!" Al hollered back. "The girls at headquarters were giggling and talking about their favorite parts and there is this silence and reverence when the Colonel passes..."

Roy groaned. He never wanted kids. If this was how damned awkward it felt trying to discuss porn with a 13 year old he never, ever wanted to have kids. Then again, delegation was one of his strong suits and clearly he could shuffle this burden onto the poor woman he married. Haley could easily...

"Colonel, you having a heart attack now?" Ed asked. "You have a weird look on your face. Like your constipated and your lungs stopped working."

"I'm fine." Roy composed himself. Where the hell was his mind recently? A few weeks ago he went out on a date with the woman and now he was thinking about coming home to her and having kids. Maybe this was a mid-life crisis. With the amount of stress in his life right now he was seriously wondering if he'd even live to 60. Damned Maes calling every day was beginning to warp his head. The weekend needed to hurry up and get here already.

"Can we just talk about the Chimera please?" Ed begged.

"But..." Al whined.

"About your report..." Roy saw his way out of the situation. "I'm concerned about your findings."

"If this is another way for your to bitch at me for my misuse of semi-colons..." Ed growled.

"No, we're talking about the Chimera now. It seems like what your finding indicates evolution."

"How can they evolve when they are created?" Al asked.

"Evolution in the process of creating them." Roy sighed. "I wish I could go out there and look at these things with you but I can't draw any attention to myself. I wish Scar didn't blow up everything he touched, we could really gain a lot from a qualified necropsy."

"We just haven't had any luck catching them." Ed said quietly. "Al got pretty smashed up trying to wrestle the man-bear-pig."

"Man-bear-pig?" Roy asked. Well maybe when it was time for the kid's re-certification he'd have to help him with his research submission if he was going to be so eloquent with his findings.

"He was very preachy." Al said. "Said that our industrial society is going to lead to the end of the world by polluting our environment."

"You had a conversation with it?" Roy asked incredulously. "They are capable of coherent thoughts now?"

"Not just thoughts, educated debate." Al said. "He was trying to maul me but at the same time was screaming about taking action and leaving a smaller carbon footprint. I was unaware of the waste that is the by product of the steel making process. He encouraged me to recycle my body when I'm done with it and then got mad when I told him all bodies were recycled eventually."

Roy frowned. This was not good at all. "Ed, when you file a report I would like you to actually include _everything _you found."

"Well when I come to file a report it would be nice if you weren't such a condescending asshole."

"My job isn't exclusive to babysitting you." Roy reminded him.

"You have enough time to write a book..." Al pouted. "A best seller, sold out and nobody willing to sell used copies."

Ed ignored him. "Well we've been pretty busy handling the Chimeras for you so you could sit at your desk and write your masterpiece and go to Central and party. I didn't have time to write a damned report so I condensed it."

"You used bullet-points and drawings." Roy growled. "If I were to go off your report I'd be leading an army against exploding Hello Kittys. Why is it that everything you draw looks like a cat?"

"I draw transmutation circles not animals!" Ed hissed. "I'm an alchemist not an artist!"

Roy reached over for his cup of coffee and wished he had some drugs to ward off the inevitable migraine that was coming. He let that smooth and delicious java roll down his throat and closed his eyes. He really wanted to set Ed's cloak on fire, watch him run around yelping in the park while Al chanted something about stop, drop and roll. However he had to calm down if he was going to get anything out of these two. Where the hell was Hawkeye? She was so much better at dealing with this impetuous idiot than he was. "Let's try to focus on the Chimera. Not their political views, not your piss poor artistic representations...just the Chimera. In two weeks we have gone from what you called the "Poodle-rabbit-midget" and "llama-lizard" to a much more advanced creature with the ability to engage you in conversation."

"We're pretty worried too." Al said. "Man-Bear-Pig was not very open minded."

"Colonel, we're going to have to do something soon." Ed sighed. "With the rate of advancement...it's looking like they'll have a much more human-like chimera walking around by the end of the month."

"I'm going to put in a request to do some research in Central this week so I can get back there and look in those tunnels." Roy sighed. "I wanted to let the dust settle a bit more but it seems like I don't have much of a choice."

Riza approached carrying the food from the street vendors for lunch. She was surprised they were all sitting there quietly and nothing was smoldering or shooting up out of the ground. "Maybe I should go get you all dessert, I expected this park to be a war zone when I got back."

Roy smiled as she handed him fresh coffee and took his old cup. She also dropped two pills in his gloved hand for the headache she knew he's develop. He swallowed the pills and drank to wash them down. The coffee was a bit more flavorful than what they had at the office and he gave himself a second to enjoy the distinct flavor that had a little more bite than normal.

"Colonel Mustang!"

Roy's moment of solitude was ruined as a young girl rushed up and squealed. He looked at the book in her hand and wondered how many more pills Riza was willing to give him. "Yes?"

"Would you sign my book!?" The happy teenager blushed and handed him her copy of _Flames of Passion_. "My name is Darcie!"

"Everyone has that book but me!"Al crossed his arms and huffed. "Any chance you'll sell it?"

Darcie handed the Colonel her pen and then turned to the weird guy in the armor. Her demeanor changed to something more vicious, like a rabid dog. "You'll have to pry it out of my cold dead hands."

Roy drew one of Ed's prize cat drawings on the cover instead of incriminating himself by autographing this underage girls porn. He felt like the texture was wrong as he doodled. He opened up the doujinshi and noticed that Darcie had cut out photos of herself and glued them over Haley's face. He closed the book and handed it back to her along with her pen. A piece of paper that had been wrapped around the pen, fluttered to the ground and he saw a phone number written on it. Great. An ancient old hag commissioned the damned book, teenage girls were defiling it and the woman he was portrayed molesting wanted to break up with him because he was too good for her. Yeah, it was great to be him.

Riza shook her head. When she was that girl's age she actually had Roy in her bedroom. Back then if he laid eyes on that book his cheeks would have been crimson and he would be stuttering and trying to explain his way out of it. She had to wonder if she did take him up on the offer to leave with him when his training with Father was complete...no. Back then she knew they were just kids and too young to make lifelong commitments. He was brilliant with an incredible future ahead of him and at a crossroads where he had to pick his own path. The last thing she wanted was to hold him back, he needed to make decisions for himself and not both of them. Despite the fact that he was being hit on by a cheerleader in the park, she was actually pretty proud of how he had grown up. Had she clung to him, he would have been rotting away in her father's study instead of trying to save the country from itself. "Sir, perhaps we should eat lunch before it gets cold."

Darcie let out a "Squee!" when she saw the adorable little cat he had drawn for her. She skipped out of the park and over to her group of friends who also let out a fangirl "squee!" before running down the street.

Roy snapped his fingers and burned the piece of paper with the phone number on it. "Where were we?"

Ed had already stuffed half of the beef brisket sandwich in his mouth and could only offer Mustang a shrug in reply.

Al watched the girls chirp and giggle and bounce off happily with their treasured copy of _Flames of Passion_ and took the opportunity to mumble. "I can't believe you won't share that joy with me Colonel."

Roy choked on his coffee. He coughed and leaned forward to hack up some liquid from his lungs and Riza slapped him on the back to help. He sat up and cleared his throat. OK, it just got dangerous to keep information from the younger Elric. "Alphonse, it's not an alchemy text. It's...a damned hentai doujinshi."

"A what?" Al asked and watched his brother's eyes grow wide.

Riza walked around to Roy's side and smiled. She wanted to have an unobstructed view of the conversation. Then Ed started to hack up his lunch and ended up spewing half eaten chunks of brisket and bread all over the lush green grass in the park. A few pigeons flew over thinking he was trying to feed them.

Ed hacked again as the few bits of lunch he managed to swallow came back up and he spit it on the grass. He rolled away from the bench and wiped his mouth as he looked at the Colonel to see if he was joking. The man was expressionless, but the Lieutenant was trying to suppress a smile. "Oh my God!"

"Keep your voice down." Roy growled.

"You were in a porno!?" Ed screamed and the pigeons that had started to creep up on their location to feast on his lunch spooked and flew off.

Roy watched a woman across the way pick up her child and run away with a look of horror on her face. "It was a damned fan comic."

"Flames of Passion..." Al squeaked. "Oh...I get it now. That's actually...kind of witty."

"You had someone draw a souvenir so you could remember your date! You sick old pervert!" Ed hollered.

"I had nothing to do with that being created." Roy hissed. "So stop screaming like a fangirl!"

"So who drew it? Your girlfriend?"

"No. She can't even draw a straight line. We might have inspired it but the person who had it made was an old lady with an active imagination." Roy said. "As creepy as that sounds, it's really much worse."

"I hope that this doesn't mean your girlfriend is mad at you now." Al said.

Roy wondered how these two could be brothers sometimes. "She has a great sense of humor."

"Good. You guys are very cute together." Al said.

"Al! Seriously!"

"Brother, I like seeing people happy. Like Mr. Hughes." Al explained.

Roy sat back on the bench and drank some coffee, actually letting to go down his esophagus instead of his trachea this time. It was a much more pleasant experience. Of course mentioning Hughes triggered a thought. "Why can't you two take pictures of these monsters for me instead of practicing your cat drawings?"

"I don't have a camera." Ed shrugged.

"Considering how often you break your invincible automail, I doubt a camera would survive long anyhow." Roy realized they were probably on a tight schedule now. He wanted to see what degree of hybridization they were dealing with, the descriptions from the Elrics were on par with what he expected out of Elicia Hughes. Then he heard another fangirl "squee" and looked over his shoulder. Hmmmm..."Lieutenant, the doujinshi circles that draw those things, did Havoc contact them when he on his mission?"

Riza nodded. "I believe so. He mentioned something about his retail experience from working in the family business made him rather exceptional at dealing with distributors. I think he cut out the middle man and went directly to the source."

"Great." Roy smiled. "We're going to need him to take Ed and Al to meet these artists. Perhaps those people are talented enough to provide a sketch from the descriptions these two spit out. Something better than their Hello Kitty fanart."

Ed paused as he attempted to take another bite of his sandwich. "Are you suggesting what I think you are?"

"That we use the people who draw doujinshi to draw your chimera? Yes."

"I just lost my appetite." Ed threw the sandwich at the pigeons. "You make me sick. Chimera porn? Really?"

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Ed. These people won't draw that unless you describe it and quite frankly if I get anything that resembles Chimera porn I'm going to demand a psyche eval, demote you and put you in counseling."

"It would be helpful Brother." Al said and watched the pigeons fight over the sandwich. "The sooner we stop this the sooner we stop these horrible things from happening to those innocent animals and people."

Ed frowned as he realized he didn't get to eat any of that delicious sandwich. "Fine. Get us the sketch artist and well get you a Chimera encyclopedia."

* * *

Roy leaned back in his office chair and swiveled back and forth. "Hi Maes!"

"_You're in a good mood."_

"Think I'll come visit this weekend."

There was a pause and he could picture his best friend's eyes light up and him hunch over the phone. As if getting closer to the phone would help him detect something he would miss out on otherwise. _"Oh? Want me to tell Gracia to get the guest bedroom ready?"_

"Nah, I like the couch." Roy said and heard the snicker on the other end. He knew he'd need to make sure they was an extra place setting at the table too.

"_Why are you sending your adventure novels to my office now?" _

Roy chuckled. So now his pornography was a "adventure novel" in addition to "alchemy text". Well at least things were more interesting and less depressing around here. "I thought you'd enjoy _Internal Combustion_. It's...very detailed. You're meticulous and I thought you'd like the story."

"_It's eye-opening."_

"Thought you'd be able to look into it for me and see if they author wrote any more books? It's a unique style and I'm curious if there are any other titles to his name."

"_I'll check out the bookstore for you."_

Roy hung up and hoped that Maes wouldn't find any more books. He really didn't want to know what Kimblee was doing with all his free time. He looked up as Ed and Al burst into the main office and ran into his.

"We got one!" Ed said triumphantly.

"One what?" Roy asked and waited.

"Chimera!" Ed said. "We caught one!"

Roy stood. "Are you serious?"

"Show him Al!"

Roy turned to the younger Elric and suddenly saw that he was carrying a box of some sort, covered with a cloth. He paused, expecting something magnificent when Al finally pulled the fabric away. Instead he saw some weird marine creature swimming in the small aquarium and his shoulders slumped. "What the hell is this?"

"We're calling it Octo-pussy." Al said and reached down to pet the little kitten head that was attached to the octopus legs. It meowed back and flapped it's little octopus tentacles around.

Riza walked over and looked in the tank as the weird aquatic animal meowed. She and Roy both bent down to look at the animal from the side of the tank. It's octopus tentacles flitting under the water to keep the kitten head in the air. "Thank God they stopped here before they went to that Doujinshi shop."

Roy nodded. "I was thinking the same thing."

"Meow." replied Al's new tentacle monster chimera.

Roy straightened back up. He rubbed his eyes. Seriously, Octopussy? Were these two screwing with him or just that naïve? And people wondered why they made all those sheep jokes about Risenbool natives. "OK, well since we have this live version then you don't need to have the artists draw it."

"Admit it, it looks just like my drawing." Ed snapped. "Say it!"

Roy flopped back into his chair and looked at the thing on his desk. Maybe he shouldn't send these two to the doujin shop, Havoc had informed him that there was a huge selection of books dedicated to what fangirls thought he did with his little apprentice. He also apparently _really_ loved Maes. Yaoi was something he never wanted to hear about again, especially the term 'bros before hoes'. Having them in that shop, talking about how they just gave him "Octopussy" was going to probably kill a few fangirls from nosebleeds and start a whole new series of comics. "Un-fucking-believeable."

"Thank you." Ed said.

Riza shook her head. She would have smacked Roy for the curse but was thinking the same thing. The Elrics really didn't look at any book that wasn't about alchemy, did they?

"Meow."

Al placed a small sardine can on the Colonel's desk. "Will you watch him for us? Promise you won't have him dissected?"

"Lieutenant..." Roy glanced at her.

"I have a dog sir."

"I'm not a cat person." Roy said.

"You wanted a gift for your girlfriend." Riza suggested with a smile.

_Yeah cause giving Haley Octopussy right after the blow-job hentai incident isn't going to make shit any weirder._ Roy wanted to smack his head on the desk. What the hell was wrong with his life that he was actually having to think that sentence? "Where did you find this?"

"I thought the cat was drowning in the sewer overflow." Al said.

Roy closed his eyes. "OK, now we're getting somewhere. Which storm drain?"

xxxxxxxx

AN: Yes, Man-Bear-Pig is a South Park tribute. Couldn't resist. Octopussy is a given, I mean how could I not use that? It's perfect for a anime chimera.


End file.
